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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girls' school girls dating other girls

166 replies

DoingItForTheKid · 15/05/2021 16:45

My Y7 DD at a girls' school has at least 4 year group mates who are dating another girl.

My DD has asked if I would mind if she was bisexual. Of course I don't mind but I can't help think that this is just a fad to fit in.

What is the correct thing to say?

OP posts:
murmurflation · 15/05/2021 17:11

I think it's great. When I was at school (in the Dark Ages) lesbianism was something to snigger at. If teenagers see homosexuality as just another possibility, that's much healthier all round.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/05/2021 17:12

Obviously only statistically

Would be great if she was

LoveFromDeauville · 15/05/2021 17:12

Seems very young for dating regardless of sex.

warmandtoasty2day · 15/05/2021 17:21

what is dating at 11 anyway ? hanging out together, cuddling ? kissing ? i wouldn't be at all cool with anything else, and i would judge someone who gave the nod to the physical side, because that comes across as some sort of child abuse removed imo. [i'm stately homes survivor]

Hallyup6 · 15/05/2021 17:25

You say 'that's nice, dear' and then you ignore it. She's in year 7 ffs. She hasn't got a clue and her mates are just displaying learned behaviour. Don't encourage it but don't say anything negative. She'll find her own way eventually.

warmandtoasty2day · 15/05/2021 17:32

@Hallyup6

You say 'that's nice, dear' and then you ignore it. She's in year 7 ffs. She hasn't got a clue and her mates are just displaying learned behaviour. Don't encourage it but don't say anything negative. She'll find her own way eventually.
THIS.
HellonHeels · 15/05/2021 17:36

@Adventureswith

It’s not a ‘fad’ so don’t say it is. Tell her you’re fine if she’s gay or bi or straight and let her crack on with it.
Let her crack on with it? She's 11! Isnt that a bit young for dating and relationships?
PhatPhanny · 15/05/2021 17:36

You tell her that she never has to ask your permission for her sexual preference and you love her regardless.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/05/2021 17:38

My DD said she was gay at 10. She has no interest in the boys at school.
She hasn't had a gf either she is 12 so I expect she'll meet someone then.
I was a bit shocked but proud she could talk openly with me.

Clumsyvolcano · 15/05/2021 17:43

I knew my sexuality by that age. It’s normal to be testing for the water by then, relationships maybe not, but I doubt her idea of ‘dating’ is within the true sense of the word.

warmandtoasty2day · 15/05/2021 17:51

majority of my younger daughters declared they were bi/gay/binary when she was in college, even she went through it. i told her she'd work it out for herself.
She has a boyfriend although at 16 she swore blind she was gay.

Brefugee · 15/05/2021 17:54

What's the problem if it's a fad? And maybe she's gay or bi or anything else.

If that would be a problem, maybe time to work out how you're going to handle it.

Thinkaboutthings · 15/05/2021 17:55

I think it’s bad advice to say ‘ignore it.’

Relationships in this age group can be complicated with lots of angst and falling out online and they can become sexual without parents knowing (not often but occasionally.) I am a secondary school teacher (and a parent of teenagers whose classmates are ‘dating’) and there is a lot of fall out from relationships amongst younger pupils. I would be keeping a close eye on how it develops as a parent.

3scape · 15/05/2021 17:56

It's fairly common in mixed schools (At least in the two I'm familiar with). Do you have a problem? You can't make yourself be a certain sexuality but being bi has historically made it easier to "pass" as heterosexual. I think it's great that it's not an instant freeze out offence to be attracted to other girls in a girls school now. I was there in 80s to 90s.

optimistic40 · 15/05/2021 17:58

My dd aged 10 has started "dating" a girl. She's not at a girl's school. I just reacted the same as I would if she'd said it's a boy. I don't think she even knows about sex properly yet anyway.

BiBabbles · 15/05/2021 18:08

When my DD1 was about that age, there was a big thing at her school about having a label and there were a few who were being a big deal about 'being' or 'acting' that label.

MIndful of that, when she started to discussing "I think I might be a lesbian", I told her yeah, she might be, she'd been one to give very detailed description of other girls for years which apparently she hadn't noticed she did. I had to laugh because I've sat through so many times of her describing someone's hair in excruciating detail while I've had to smile and nod and not give give her father too many Looks or her getting mad because her brother hadn't noticed this girl she wants to talk to him about and me having explain it's okay that they both notice different things. I supported her, but also wanted to give her space and assurance that if that didn't end up the right fit later, that's also fine and part of growing up.

At other times, we've discussed how her father and I figured out our own sexualities at different ages (we're both bi), how part of adolescence is figuring things out about ourselves and her sexuality is a trait like her having green eyes. Some people might make a big deal about it, she might even want to at some points in her life, but it's equally fine and normal for it not to be a big deal and whoever she loves, there will always be more to her and that won't affect my support of her.

LoveFromDeauville · 15/05/2021 18:18

I despair. Dating at ten. Come off it. What are we doing to our children?

Carouselfish · 15/05/2021 18:32

I almost think going over the top with declarations of pride and love is unnecessary. Things are only truly accepted if they're a non issue. I'd shrug and say, okay.

Silvercatowner · 15/05/2021 18:36

Another slightly envious elderly bi here. No hint of lesbianism at my girls grammer in the early 70s Sad.

KaleSlayer · 15/05/2021 18:37

I’d say it’s not for me to ‘mind’ but at 11, you’re too young to have a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Damnloginpopup · 15/05/2021 18:40

My reply to my daughter was "thank god for that, I thought you were going to tell me you were vegan."

And it was the correct response.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/05/2021 18:41

@LaurieFairyCake

It's obviously a stage/fad

But you don't say it

You just say crack on darling, whatever you want sweet cheeks/we love you whatevs

90% will unfortunately be straight by 15 HmmGrin

Agree
PlanDeRaccordement · 15/05/2021 18:45

I have had this exact thing. I’m bisexual myself, so not unexpected.

So, what we did is tell our DDs that it doesn’t matter whether they are straight bi or lesbian. We also told them that teens it is normal to explore your sexuality and while some people know from a very young age what they are, it is also normal for some people to be unsure until late teens or even 20s. Tell her it’s good to be thinking about her sexuality and you are there for any questions she might have or to be a good listener as well.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/05/2021 18:50

I agree 11 is far too young to be dating or doing sexual things...it is true that at that age it is common to have crushes on boys/girls and start being aware of physical attraction. So, yes don’t encourage dating. That is too much pressure.

EllaPaella · 15/05/2021 18:52

I'd say that at age 11 they shouldn't be 'dating' anyone either make or female.