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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Girls' school girls dating other girls

166 replies

DoingItForTheKid · 15/05/2021 16:45

My Y7 DD at a girls' school has at least 4 year group mates who are dating another girl.

My DD has asked if I would mind if she was bisexual. Of course I don't mind but I can't help think that this is just a fad to fit in.

What is the correct thing to say?

OP posts:
DancingQueen85 · 15/05/2021 20:42

Out of interest; what do people whose DC have said they are gay do about same sex sleepovers?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/05/2021 20:47

I wouldn't call it a fad but it might be a phase of experimentation that teenage girls at all girls school are more likely to try than those at mixed schools.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/05/2021 20:56

@LoveFromDeauville

Seems very young for dating regardless of sex.
Indeed. I'd probably encourage her to focus on her school work and hobbies for now. Fine if she's gay, fine if she's not, but at her age there is plenty of time for her decide on all that later on.....
PerspicaciousGreen · 15/05/2021 21:02

I am a bit Shock at 11 year olds "dating". I assume it means holding hands and calling each other "girlfriend"? Please, no one disillusion my tender, naive heart!

OP, what good would happen if you said "of course I don't mind, darling, but I think it's just a phase you're going through to fit in, you'll grow out of it"? Serious question. Thinking through the pros and cons of saying it, the cons are numerous (centering around your daughter's hurt feelings and disinclination to confide further in you) and the pros are... uh... I'm struggling here.

If it is a phase, then she will grow out of it in time. If it isn't, then wow, she's never going to forget what you said when she came out. I cannot imagine a scenario where she immediately thanks you for your wisdom and turns back towards the acne-ridden males she truly yearns for, with no hard feelings - just gratitude for her wise mother for setting her immediately back on the straight and narrow.

Maybe there is a pro to telling her it's a phase. But I can't think of one.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 15/05/2021 21:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SisterBeaverhausen · 15/05/2021 21:14

I had "boyfriends" that young. We hung out at lunch and probably had a kiss or two.

It never lasted more than a few weeks each time.

I also knew around that age that I liked girls too but didn't find myself interested in any girls at school.

They weren't serious relationships but I never discussed it with my Mum as she didn't want to know.

So just be there for her. Tell her it's okay to like who she likes. As long as she focuses on school work and is nice to her friends. When she's a bit older she may change her mind, she may also not.

I'm 29, due to get married to a great man and pregnant by him but I'm definitely still bi. I just happened to fall in love with a man.

flashylamp · 15/05/2021 21:15

It makes me feel sad the amount of posters saying it's just a fad. Even in 2021 we still see dismissive and negative comments when someone mentions being gay/bi.

How awful. I thought we had progressed as a society, but the majority would be dismissive of their own children here Sad

toocold54 · 15/05/2021 21:18

This is quite normal. It’s a bit like when 5 year olds have boyfriends/girlfriends it doesn’t actually mean much.
I’ve noticed the girls date girls when they’re not into boys yet and more often than not they end up straight. It makes me feel a bit sad that they feel they have to fancy and date someone at that she even when they don’t have those feelings but I do love how normal it is to be dating the same sex as it takes away that stigma or potential bullying if she was gay.

crosstalk · 15/05/2021 21:28

Girls boarding schools - lots of "pashes" at 12/13. With other girls. Never came to anything and by 16 all bar one were straight.

Was slightly sad when a 10 year old girl at one state school my DC attended suggested they all had boyfriends/girlfriends which was far too early and caused upset.

Stellaroses · 15/05/2021 21:31

I'm surprised at all the posters who are surprised at 11 year olds "dating". I had boyfriends at that age back in the 80s, it was basically role playing "boyfriends", we held hands at lunchtime and very occasionally snogged. I would have LOVED to think I could have identified as bi back then. I was actually one of the v few "out"ish girls in school - and I was barely out, just kind of known that I often kissed girls..!
Another 🖐🏻 to the previous poster who said "only one of them is gay now". I married a man but it doesn't make me straight.

Siepie · 15/05/2021 21:36

I'd be happy that her school was an accepting enough place that the pupils feel able to be openly bisexual at school.

My parents thought me being a lesbian was a phase. I'm now married to a woman and NC with my parents (not just because of that comment, obviously). What good do you think calling it a fad would do?

JackANackAnoreeee · 15/05/2021 21:41

I don't think it matters whether it's a phase or not. As a teenager I dated guys because they seemed cool to friends or just because I wanted a boyfriend or other stupid reasons. As long as it's safe and age appropriate it's all part of the learning curve.

Stopsnowing · 15/05/2021 22:08

Interested to know how people handle same sex sleepovers when dd has said she is gay. I wouldn’t let her have a sleepover with a boy she was sexually interested in, so wonder if I should also be cautious about sleepovers with girls she is interested in..

CatsArePeople · 15/05/2021 22:15

I don't know why the rush to dismiss this as a fad/phase though. Nobody says to a young teen who is interested in the opposite gender "that's nice it's probably just a phase though" do they?

If an 11yo says they're in love with someone opposite sex, you would take it with a good pinch of salt and certainly wouldn't encourage to explore sexuality. You'd most likely tell them to grow up a little.
I used to hate boys at 11. Even a thought of kissing one seemed gross.

Branleuse · 15/05/2021 22:21

Shes not signing a contract. Nothing wrong if she wants a girlfriend at school. Makes no difference if she does or doesnt feel that way later.
Its nice that theres hardly any stigma about it now, compared to when i was at school

Needawantaholiday · 15/05/2021 22:21

This reply has been deleted

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CatsArePeople · 15/05/2021 22:30

Always amazes me how accepted it is (on MN) for parents to encourage their children to embark on sexual relationships.
Only if they're "queer", because its so woke and trendy.

Cherrysoup · 15/05/2021 22:33

One of my Year 7s told me yesterday that she is pansexual (then went on to clarify her meaning in case I, as old fogey form tutor, was out of the loop) She then told me her ex-girlfriend is now going out with another Year 7 girl but that her other friend’s straight relationship was ‘toxic’. I did wonder of she’d been reading mumsnet or perhaps watching Naked Attraction.

In 25 years of teaching, this is the first time I’ve heard this. I think children are far more aware of the variation of sexuality these days and fortunately, her peers are-mostly-accepting, although some are still very innocent or unaccepting when it comes to this topic, of course.

90% will unfortunately be straight by 15

What a weird thing to say.

flashylamp · 15/05/2021 22:39

Always amazes me how accepted it is (on MN) for parents to encourage their children to embark on sexual relationships. Isn’t this illegal.

Who the fuck is encouraging children to have sex?

KaleSlayer · 15/05/2021 22:40

I did wonder of she’d been reading mumsnet or perhaps watching Naked Attraction.

🤣🤣🤣

EmeraldShamrock · 15/05/2021 22:43

One of my Year 7s told me yesterday that she is pansexual (then went on to clarify her meaning in case I, as old fogey form tutor, was out of the loop) She then told me her ex-girlfriend is now going out with another Year 7 girl but that her other friend’s straight relationship was ‘toxic’. I did wonder of she’d been reading mumsnet or perhaps watching Naked Attraction.
🤣😅
DD told me at 10 she was gay, by 11 she was non binary, she isn't non binary anymore but dresses alternatively she is interested in womens rights and transsexuals rights, she's pan-sexual but only attracted to girls she's 12.
I don't doubt she is gay she hasn't had any relationships yet.
I think she is lost in the ever changing world if I question her she gets defensive Sad

BiBabbles · 15/05/2021 23:12

@DancingQueen85

Out of interest; what do people whose DC have said they are gay do about same sex sleepovers?
From the start, I had all sleepovers in the front room and had a policy that guests upstairs meant bedroom doors had to be open (the latter more came about because my children share bedrooms and younger siblings getting shut in a room with a sticking door or siblings stuck out of said room became an issue, but it seemed handy to continue it into older years). I've yet to impose any sort of sex-based rules on sleepovers, but they've become a lot less common as my children have got older.

Always amazes me how accepted it is (on MN) for parents to encourage their children to embark on sexual relationships.

I don't encourage dating with my children, my DD1's discussion about her sexuality wasn't related to any sort of dating. It was just talking about what she was thinking about herself. I do encourage open conversations on that when my children want to do so.

I also don't assume crushes or a child 'dating' is automatically sexual. In fact, I actually really dislike the social shift that affection or crushes with children has to be linked to anything sexual, that adult emotions are put on small shoulders that pushes that sort of expectation.

I had crushes in kindergarten. When I was 6 I put a huge pile of valentines in a classmate's desk. I had a 'boyfriend' around the same age as the OP's child, and beyond sitting together at lunch & on field trips and going to a few of his church events, the entire thing was the social status of dating someone and feeling nice about being picked by someone else. None of those were sexual in any way and I really hate the feeling that my or my children's emotions, even when using sexuality terms they're taught to use, would be as heavily sexualized as I see on MN.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/05/2021 23:14

Not to be rude but I think a lot of young people do this to test out how liberal/tolerant their parents are and to try and provide good dinner time conversation.

Not saying you can't be gay, bi, trans or pan sexual (*googles term) at a young age. Just that the vast majority who question their sexuality during puberty, when hormones are rife, end up straight.

I think ultimately it's best to make it clear that you will support them whatever their sexual preferences but at age 10/11 you expect them to make sure they work hard at school and pursue their hobbies. Relationships of any kind can wait!

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 15/05/2021 23:17

My DD’s are both like this and they’re only 8 and 9 so personally think it’s far too young to even contemplate a relationship or a crush. Maybe I’m old fashioned, I don’t know but it just seems too young. They both seem to think it’s cool to like girls, I do think it’s a ‘fad’ as you say rather than an actual preference. Just say ‘that’s nice dear’ and let her find her own way as she grows up.

DoingItForTheKid · 15/05/2021 23:28

I wonder how seriously they are taking it as 2 girls are engaged now apparently.

There's certainly a lot going on in her year in terms of choice and gender, with girls identifying as each of the various orientations mentioned above, a girl changing her name to a gender neutral one, others using neutral pronouns and twins, one of which identifies as a boy and the other non-binary.

All good I guess as long as they are happy.

OP posts: