My husband playing golf at the weekend pisses me off

[MrsTumbletap]

Just looking for opinions and thoughts on this issue as I know a lot of women on here have partners that play golf or even play golf themselves.

DH didn't play golf when we got together he took up this hobby a few years ago. He plays in week on his day off when I'm at work, DS is at school, fine, no issue with that.

DH also works 1 day every weekend, so me and DS spend a lot of time together just us, which is lovely, but he does say a lot “Daddy is always at golf, why does he go so much?” And I'm always trying to explain that he wants his own time etc. We have 4 days a month as a family. He likes to play golf on two of those.

Then chuck in the 4 day golf weekends a couple of times a year and it feels like he is taking the piss.

AIBU to moan a bit that he isn't around that much as a dad and part of the family? That he is missing the memories of when kids are little and fun?

Is it the same if your husband is in to going to football matches, or going to the gym 4 times a week, or fishing etc?

I have my own hobbies, my own friends, I'm busy, I'm happy, but the days a month where we are all off school and work to me seem like we should be together.

Golf one sunday a month would be fine but every other? It just seems like he is shirking his parental responsibilities, he thinks aibu and I shoul be fine with it.

I need wider opinions.

He wants his ‘freedom’? Well tell him to fuck off and go and get it then as he clearly doesn’t want a wife and child.

My partner goes skating but he takes the kids with him ahaaaa! Get him to take your son, he’s probably really enjoy it!

@AmandaHoldensLips

What is it with men and their fucking sports? Does my head in.

This. ^ And as a pp said, it's very often sports that enable them to opt out of family life. Golf, fishing, cycling footie, whatever... It doesn't matter as long as he doesn't have to bother sharing the domestic duties and childcare.

Imagine if women took up hobbies that took the vast majority of her spare time? Who would look after the kids then? Nope, this would never happen, because it would not be allowed. What kind of mother would fuck off out 90% of the time and leave her kids for someone else to look after? Not much of a mother is she? (Is what many people would say.)

Yet men seem to get away with it. Constantly. How many MEN would put up with their wife/the mother of their children fucking off out every weekend and leaving him with the kids? None I'll bet. Yet men do it all the time. Then they wonder why the children are closer to their mother when they're older.

My niece is living with a man who plays golf every weekend, and also football, AND he is in a fucking cycling club. She doesn't see him til 9pm half the week, and she rarely spends 2 full weekend days with him in any one calendar month, (out of 8, 9, or 10.) Me AND her mother (and several other women) have warned her that he will not change, and if she has kids with him, she will be looking after them 90% of the time.

These men are the same type who, if they get bored with the wife and kids (before the kids grow up and leave,) and they find another woman, they will never take the kids with them. Can't have as much fun when they're having to take care of the kids. Yet imagine if a woman left her husband for another man and left the kids?! She would be labelled as cruel and evil. MEN are just labelled irresponsible if they do it.

Also, yep, I have ALSO heard the in-jokes from men doing certain time-consuming sports, doing them to get away from the wife and kids. Sooooooo not funny! If they're THAT much of a fucking burden, then leave. (As @DungeonKeeper said!)

Funnily enough, many of these same men will suddenly drop these hobbies when the kids leave home, and you can't get them out of the fucking house then! Once all the hard work is out of the way, they want to stay in then.

@MrsTumbletap YANBU, and you have my sympathy...

@MrsTumbletap, my EX dh had a very similar attitude but with the gym as his excuse for getting out of any child rearing responsibilities. More concerning (as it is so familiar to me) is his ridiculous throwing of the toys from the pram when you dared voice your concerns and opinions. He sounds like a petulant preschooler instead of someone capable of holding an adult conversation with his partner. My condolences, it is very lonely and infuriating when they purposefully miss the point. My ex doesn't get it at all when his kids don't want to spend time with him (as a direct result of his treatment of them in the past and almost absent caretaking in terms of the day to day feeding/bathing etc.). He chose not to bother building a relationship with them and is now reaping the results.

If he wants "his freedom" so much let him have it.

Tell him to move out and he can have his freedom 50:50 and he'll have to sort out childcare etc.

It's not ok. DH always had hobbies involving evenings and weekends. When the
DC were young probably 6 weekends a year so 12 days out of 104. Your DH is already offering you a maximum of 24 family weekend days and then even if you use up 12 what's that 1 per month as a family maximum.

He is even using up his annual leave so can't make the most of school holidays.

He clearly isn't invested in his marriage and being a family.

@MrsTumbletap

Son is 6, and DH knows what DS says, he says it to him too, he’s not bothered. Says their relationship is fine.

Conversation earlier and DH says he wants his ‘freedom’ and to be able to ‘see his mates’. He sees them most weekends. As is going away with said mates for 4 days on a golf weekend.

I am so done with these conversations about being around for family time. We see it so differently.

He stroppily said earlier “fine I will never play golf at the weekend ever again, but you are never ever allowed to ask for me to help with DS if you ever want to go shopping. It's all or nothing”.

Marvellous.

He's not fucking "helping" you, he is being a father!!!

He would no longer be my husband and would then have ds, eow

What a waster.

Your poor son having such a selfish arse as a father.

Please don't inflict him on another child.

I would be so furious at my child being so dismissed by his father.

He's utter scum.

I think you know that.

Your son will realise too.

Poor mite.

Yanbu. My partners football monopolises our whole life. He's missed the kids birthdays, we work holidays around it, he even went while I was in hospital for a week with our 6 week old ds.

Although he is contracted to play football.

Read this to DH. He said "what an absolute twat." If he wanted loads of free time he shouldn't have had a child. You reap what you sow; he will regret it when he's old and alone.

Just read your update @MrsTumbletap. I’d let him have his freedom. You and your ds deserve better

I had a friend whose situation sounds similar to yours. Her DH played golf all day first Saturday, and then Sunday morning- which became until 3pm. He worked long hours all week, and had minimal time with his Ds. He wouldn’t listen to her requests he spend time at home.
She discovered he was having an affair, using some of the golf time as cover, and they divorced. Not saying your DH is doing the same, but all day at the club sounds a. It suspicious

@Sloth66 All day at the golf club isn’t suspicious. It’s around 4 hours for 18 holes and then socialising in the club house afterwards. It’s easy to make a day of golf last all day.

[quote Jen6827]@Sloth66 All day at the golf club isn’t suspicious. It’s around 4 hours for 18 holes and then socialising in the club house afterwards. It’s easy to make a day of golf last all day.[/quote]
Yeah it IS easy to make it last all day. Which some men do when they can't be fucked with their family.

Men who actually give a shit will come home by lunchtime.

My husbands colleague plays and was on the course for 6am and home for 11am.

He loved it but knew that was what he had to do to fit in with family life.

They're are loads of men who use golf all day saturday to avoid family life.

He's selfish and he thinks he's OK to live the single life while having all the benefits of a family .
I have no advice op as my ex was like this , but he had no redeeming features . His new fiancee has just had a baby and now he's playing golf week nights to escape responsibility!

What is the actual point of being married to him. You only see him for two Sundays a month and spends a lot of those away.

Why doesn't he take his son with him? Kids can start golf quite young I think.

Is it the same if your husband is in to going to football matches,
My husband has a season ticket so goes to all home matches (or went pre-Covid!) and that is basically two hours a week every fortnight. This sounds a lot more time-consuming and I would not be happy!

Do you actually live in the stadium. The match takes 1 hour 50 minutes so that leaves 5 mins travel timesmile
Sure it's not nearer 4 hours

We are the same as this poster.

Watching football match in our local stadium 2 hours for us.
We do actually live 5 minutes from the stadium. In fact i can see it from my house :)

Might take an extra 5 minutes depending on how busy the stadium is to get out but yep we are home 10 minutes after the game has ended

My DH has played golf for over 20 years, YANBU.
The final straw for me was ten years ago when we were invited out to a friends house for a meal, arranged to meet there and he turned up over an hour late.
My foot went firmly down, I told him I was not to prepared to be humiliated by him or take second place to his bloody sport any more.
Fortunately he had a moment of clarity as I shouted at him and myself and the family were put first.
So YADNBU, these days together when your children are children are important and there will be time when he is older to indulge in golf.

My husband now works at the golf club and I start work there in a couple of weeks, my grown up children and my grandchildren go up and play and hit balls on the range, we all go to the social events that they put on.
We are lucky to have a golf club that welcomes family and non members.
Ironically I will be spending more time there than him 😂

A football match takes 90 minutes

YANBU OP. I am in a very similar situation. Our family life has always taken a second place to his hobbies. I'm at the stage where I feel he'll reap what he's sowed.

Yes it does. I forgot about half time.just woke up lol.

OK so its more like 2.5 hours out the house.

Its still 5 mins travel time though or so that still stands

Sorry I've only read the OPs posts but honestly YANBU!

Luckily my DH isn't into group sports but I have a friend whose Husband is a keen golfer, when he and his friends all started having families they moved their tee time to 6am on a Saturday meaning they are home but 10.30/11am ready to start the day with their family.

His lie in day is Saturday and he chooses to play golf, he then gets up on Sunday with the children so my friend gets her one lie in day.

He does this as he values his activity, but he values his family and relationship more. They are equal partners.

Your Husband is telling you what he thinks of you and his family.... Listen to him and plan accordingly!

If you separated he would have to have your son on his own every other weekend. Does he think about that?