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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband playing golf at the weekend pisses me off

165 replies

MrsTumbletap · 15/05/2021 09:39

Just looking for opinions and thoughts on this issue as I know a lot of women on here have partners that play golf or even play golf themselves.

DH didn't play golf when we got together he took up this hobby a few years ago. He plays in week on his day off when I'm at work, DS is at school, fine, no issue with that.

DH also works 1 day every weekend, so me and DS spend a lot of time together just us, which is lovely, but he does say a lot “Daddy is always at golf, why does he go so much?” And I'm always trying to explain that he wants his own time etc. We have 4 days a month as a family. He likes to play golf on two of those.

Then chuck in the 4 day golf weekends a couple of times a year and it feels like he is taking the piss.

AIBU to moan a bit that he isn't around that much as a dad and part of the family? That he is missing the memories of when kids are little and fun?

Is it the same if your husband is in to going to football matches, or going to the gym 4 times a week, or fishing etc?

I have my own hobbies, my own friends, I'm busy, I'm happy, but the days a month where we are all off school and work to me seem like we should be together.

Golf one sunday a month would be fine but every other? It just seems like he is shirking his parental responsibilities, he thinks aibu and I shoul be fine with it.

I need wider opinions.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 15/05/2021 10:28

@Sometimesonly

Is it the same if your husband is in to going to football matches, My husband has a season ticket so goes to all home matches (or went pre-Covid!) and that is basically two hours a week every fortnight. This sounds a lot more time-consuming and I would not be happy!
Do you actually live in the stadium. The match takes 1 hour 50 minutes so that leaves 5 mins travel timeSmile Sure it's not nearer 4 hours?
Aprilx · 15/05/2021 10:33

He is taking the mickey, not least because a game of golf doesn’t take all day anyway. I once had a boyfriend that played and on a Sunday he would get an early tee off time and would be back for 10-11am leaving the majority of the day for us both.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 15/05/2021 10:35

Yup it's shit really isn't it OP.

My DH doesn't play golf but he does cycle. So half a day each weekend and several cycling race weekends a year. Doesn't sound much but if I then took half a day each weekend to myself we then only have one day a week as a family.

Not sure what the answer is though. I fully understand the need for time to do things you enjoy as an adult separately from your partner. But if we all did that then family time would be non existent.

I have no answers but understand you 100%.

RightOnTheEdge · 15/05/2021 10:37

Babystepstinyshoes that's the saddest thing really isn't it? When you stop caring, it's too late.
My ex always had something more important he needed to do whenever the kids asked him to come to the park with us or parents evening or play in the garden with them.
Since all the lockdowns he's tried to be around more because he's bored or lonely or whatever but none of us are bothered anymore.
He gets offended now when my son doesn't want to go to his house or out for a bike ride.
They don't miss him or ask about him when they don't see him.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/05/2021 10:40

He's opting out of family life...

My dad did this.... Its hugely damaging...

It's healthy to have separate hobbies... But... It has to be proportionate when you have kids... Otherwise how is he parenting adequately?? He's not.... He can't be... Especially when every summery day, golf comes first....

Babystepstinyshoes · 15/05/2021 10:41

He gets really offended when the kids don’t want to do something with him. He’ll announce ‘daddy’s not playing golf this weekend!’ - which only happens if his golf buddies can’t play for some reason and the kids are just 🤷🏼‍♀️

yoyo1234 · 15/05/2021 10:41

Just looked up the lyrics to "The Cats In The Cradle" and it brought tears to my eyes. Your husband is so stupid losing so much time with family over a hobby.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 15/05/2021 10:41

@Babystepstinyshoes I notice you call him h not dh

There is no way I would stand for this. My dh had a hobby that took him out of family time for whole days on a weekend. He was supposed to be home by 1pm one Sunday so we could do something as a family. He wasn’t home by 2pm so I threw the hugest strop and left (the house, not him!) without telling him where I’d gone or when I’d be back. He found me and I made him see how selfish he was being, that I never got any downtime, he cut right back. Still did his hobby but was a lot more appreciative of me and thoughtful about doing it.

mainsfed · 15/05/2021 10:47

So he just assumes that you will be taking care of DS those days?

Chemenger · 15/05/2021 10:48

DH played golf this morning and has been back for half an hour. It doesn’t take all day, unless you want it to by having a coffee and a bacon roll before you go out, warming up on the range for half an hour then drinks afterwards. He’s out and back by 10.30 at the latest three days a week. His mates prefer early morning because it’s quick; no slow players out first thing.

waitingforthenextseason · 15/05/2021 10:55

I'd be furious. YANBU.

Why does he get to assume you will be available to do all the childcare so he can have all those weekend days 'off'. Selfish wanker.

Babystepstinyshoes · 15/05/2021 10:57

It’s been this way forever - he’s always been the same. Stressful week at work, needs to play golf every Saturday. I rarely ever have a day off from work / the kids. If I’m not at work I’ve got the dc. It’s extremely extremely rare for me to be off work and not have them. Only if my parents have them for the day really, but then I tend to use my holiday for when they are off so it means that I want to then be with them.
I would like to have a day occasionally where I could do something that wasn’t especially dc friendly like going to a gallery (if anything ever reopens) and having a relaxing lunch (not one with someone moaning every three seconds, having to take someone to the toilet, someone knocks over a glass, someone does like what they’ve ordered, they finish after three mouthfuls and are bored etc) with friends. Dc2 is 6 and whilst I appreciate pandemic has made things rather difficult if I think back I think possibly only 3 days since she was born? One last summer, and then a couple of half days when she started school but I was working fewer hours.

EasterEggBelly · 15/05/2021 10:59

@IND1A

So can I just check I understand correctly ? You get 8 days off work a month and you spend 6 of these looking after your child alone and 2 days looking after your child with your husband.

He gets 8 days a month off and spends 6 of these doing his own hobby and two of these with his wife and child ?

Is that right?

If so your problem isn’t golf. Your problem is that your husband is a selfish arsehole of a husband and a poor apology for a father.

This is the crux of the issue. How old is your son?
CandidaAlbicans2 · 15/05/2021 11:02

The fact that your DS has often said, “Daddy is always at golf, why does he go so much?” means it's probably damaging him. He'll realise that golf is his dad's priority not him which is awful. What does your DH say to this?

Sometimesonly · 15/05/2021 11:04

Do you actually live in the stadium. The match takes 1 hour 50 minutes so that leaves 5 mins travel time

Actually, yes! Grin I live 5 minutes from the stadium. Even if we stay at home we can hear when the local team scores from the roar. Fair enough though, for most people it would take a bit longer!

GabsAlot · 15/05/2021 11:14

if your son has commented then its too much he never sees him-whats the point of him being there at all

Parky04 · 15/05/2021 11:15

He is extremely selfish as he already plays in the week. Why on earth wouldn't he want to spend time with his son? My dad was like this and when I was 15 I went no contact and haven't spoken to him for 35 years. He died last week and I felt nothing.

user1487194234 · 15/05/2021 11:18

When mine were little my DH got an early tee time and was home by lunchtime
Would never have stopped him playing,good for his health
He goes away twice a year for golf weekends
I just arrange lots of visits to and from family and friends
I have my own hobbies and go on girls weekends a couple of times a year
We are married not surgically attached

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2021 11:19

How much time does he spend with his son each month?
And how much time do you spend the three of you, doing stuff together?

If it really is only once a month, through choice, then I'd argue that he's checked out of family life completely.

Its up to you to decide what you do going forward. But you can't expect him to change

Hankunamatata · 15/05/2021 11:21

Friends husband starts really early like 7am so back by 10ish

OccaChocca · 15/05/2021 11:21

@IND1A

So can I just check I understand correctly ? You get 8 days off work a month and you spend 6 of these looking after your child alone and 2 days looking after your child with your husband.

He gets 8 days a month off and spends 6 of these doing his own hobby and two of these with his wife and child ?

Is that right?

If so your problem isn’t golf. Your problem is that your husband is a selfish arsehole of a husband and a poor apology for a father.

^ this which doesn't even mention the four day golf weekends and tournament.

My friend's DH is a golf bore. In fact, I thought it was her when I started reading this thread! I can't actually work out what she gets from the relationship personally.

I agree with another poster that you need to either accept it or leave. He'll be playing far less golf if he has to have DS every Sunday.

Hont1986 · 15/05/2021 11:23

If you're at work and DS is at school then you aren't really noticing the day he goes during the week. The crux is whether the two Sundays a month is too much. I don't think it is really. People are acting like he never spends time with his children outside the weekend but the OP doesn't say that. What else would they be doing on a Sunday, lounging around at home probably? I don't think it makes much difference.

OccaChocca · 15/05/2021 11:26

I would actually plan some great days out with DS on a Saturday and stop organising 'family time'. Give him a taste of what it will be like to be separate entities and see how he likes it.

museumum · 15/05/2021 11:27

Acouple of posters have said ‘be equally as busy at the weekend’ which I can do, but it kind of defeats the family time that I'm talking about if you see what I mean.

I do get this but also I think your dh needs an intensive course in fatherhood and some solo parenting time will be good for his relationship with his child(ren?). Family time is good but if you do 90% of the parenting then in family time the kids will see him as tagging along not as the “parent in charge”.

VodkaSodaLime · 15/05/2021 11:28

Does your husband not take your son with him some times? It’s my DH and DS “boy time” once a week. They really enjoy the time with each other, and I get a peaceful sat morning to myself!

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