My husband playing golf at the weekend pisses me off

[MrsTumbletap]

Just looking for opinions and thoughts on this issue as I know a lot of women on here have partners that play golf or even play golf themselves.

DH didn't play golf when we got together he took up this hobby a few years ago. He plays in week on his day off when I'm at work, DS is at school, fine, no issue with that.

DH also works 1 day every weekend, so me and DS spend a lot of time together just us, which is lovely, but he does say a lot “Daddy is always at golf, why does he go so much?” And I'm always trying to explain that he wants his own time etc. We have 4 days a month as a family. He likes to play golf on two of those.

Then chuck in the 4 day golf weekends a couple of times a year and it feels like he is taking the piss.

AIBU to moan a bit that he isn't around that much as a dad and part of the family? That he is missing the memories of when kids are little and fun?

Is it the same if your husband is in to going to football matches, or going to the gym 4 times a week, or fishing etc?

I have my own hobbies, my own friends, I'm busy, I'm happy, but the days a month where we are all off school and work to me seem like we should be together.

Golf one sunday a month would be fine but every other? It just seems like he is shirking his parental responsibilities, he thinks aibu and I shoul be fine with it.

I need wider opinions.

@DifferentHair

He sounds incredibly boring apart from anything else.

Is he at least rich or amazing in bed?

My two cents: Honestly I don't think it's worth divorcing someone over, especially if there is a child involved. Posters on here leap to LTB pretty quickly as though breaking up your family is simply done and always better.

But if I was you I'd adjust my expectations, not because he's being reasonable but because he sounds hopeless. Fill your life with other people, events and things.

Your son will be fine. It's sad he's missing out on family time but one loving engaged parent plus a stable home and a somewhat involved dad is more than a lot of children get and they turn out fine.

Also- FWIW No judgement from me if you happen to shag a handsome postie while DH is busy golfing. He can't expect the world to wait around for him.

That's an interesting take on it. Guaranteed to end well. Not.

His day off in the week is like your weekend day, where you share house stuff and childcare ? But he spends it doing his own thing?

Then the days when you do have a shared day off, he also spends half of them doing his own thing?

He's taking the piss.

I am so done with these conversations about being around for family time

Just my opinion OP, but the phrase 'family time' is somehow a bit heavy and whiny. If my OH were constantly after me to spend more 'family time' with him and the children, it would rub me the wrong way.

Maybe you could phrase it differently?

Figure out what precisely you object to. Is it OH not spending time with son? Is it that the three of you almost never do thing together? Is it the expectation that you are always available to be an unpaid child minder? If it's the first two, there's not a huge amount you can do about it. If it's the last one, you need to tell him you are unwilling to carry on as childcare on the weekends and that he will need to sort out a babysitter on the Sundays he plays golf.

@MrsTumbletap

But the different perspectives on here do help, as lots of people think it's fine, so maybe it's a compromise that needs to be made with tee off times or late afternoon games.

Bear in mind those saying it's 'fine' probably have DH's that don't work Saturdays & do early T'offs when they play and likely weren't getting a mid day day off too

What does he do around the house?

He sounds selfish & spiteful. - what are you getting out of this marriage? (Now, not in the past)

DS would see him more if you separated & you would be free to have a relationship with someone who cares about you.

Doesn't that sound appealing?

This is not about golf.

This is about him being a selfish bastard.

He wants to be single but with only the benefits of having a wife and children. He wants none of the shit work or problems, just wants your input and for you to be there for his needs when he feels like it.

Fuck him.

Leave his arse.

He can then see if his mates or his golf clubs will shag him, cook for him, clean for him, wash his clothes or say, "love you".

I am presuming you do all this because it's sounds like he is never in the house long enough.

I don't believe the posters on here saying it's fine that out of their 2 non-working days:

Parent A: Takes one full day for their hobbies every week, plus one every other week.

Parent B: One full day of being solely responsible for childcare every week plus one every other week.

Even if OP wanted equal time for her hobbies, it wouldn't be possible as her husband won't be there to look after their child.

So I call bollocks to anyone thinking that is fair.

Your husband sounds like a selfish arse and more so with his sulking.

I would say to him to plan how you can both have the same amount of time to have hobbies and see friends etc.

Maybe when he realises it's not possible, he might see how selfish he's being.

[quote Fireflygal]@GoddessKali, quite agree. It is very unsexy and people who play tend to be so boring about it. Some men who practice golf swings in the office always seems like twats.. can you imagine any other sport doing that??

Op, upshot is your husband is showing you his priorities. I think you can either try to persuade him to change his priorities, force him to share 50/50 or accept this and realise he is the one losing out.
Men get validation from other men for competing in sport and this trumps family life. How often do men acknowledge other men for choosing family time? It doesn't happen. Tbf some level of sport is healthy but golf seems to involve a full day which is why it's so disruptive to family life[/quote]
To be fair, I used to work with a bloke who would stand up at his desk and do the most bizarre little foosttepping things, obnoxiously and irritatingly, until eventually someone would ask what he was doing and he would announce he had a big (football) game this weekend and needed to keep his "mind/foot connection strong'. Such a knob!

It wasn't playing golf that pisses me off, so much as it took all fucking day. He used to piss off at the crack, breakfast, 9 holes lunch, 18 holes then prize giving. A whole Saturday on my own and the kids tucked up nicely in bed when he came home.

Men are selfish bastards

Yanbu and thanks for just saying what the hobby is which is mn rarity.

@MrsTumbletap

But the different perspectives on here do help, as lots of people think it's fine, so maybe it's a compromise that needs to be made with tee off times or late afternoon games.

Is he going to compromise though? From what you have said about him so far it seems unlikely.

I wouldn't put up with it myself and would be getting my ducks in a row/working out what I want. You currently have a situation where everything is on his terms. That's not a partnership and both you and DS are suffering. It doesn't matter whether other people think this is okay. It's how you feel that's important.

I've started playing golf and am absolutely hooked, and 6 is a great age to take it up. My original suggestion was going to be why not make it into something you do as a family, but from what you've written it's not golf itself that's the issue, it's your DH being selfish and inconsiderate, and if it wasn't golf it would be something else.

Golf is a lot of fun - maybe you and your DS should take it up on your own and leave him a golf widower

My DH plays golf straight after work on a Tuesday afternoon and then Saturday and Sunday. He has two golf holidays a year although these are usually only for two or three days. Luckily he only started this when DS was a teenager as he enjoyed spending time with him when he was little.

I'm ok with the golf as we are now both late 50's, retirement is on the horizon and DS is now 21 and doesn't want to do much as a family. I am happy having time on my own. However, If something comes up like a family event or something I particularly want to do then the agreement is he doesn't play that day without an argument.

Having said all the above I would have been furious if my DH had done this when DS was younger. They are young for such a short time and to miss out on that is insane. I also think there is something fundamentally wrong when you have to ask a person to spend time with you.

I will be not happy. My dp plays golf maybe twice a month.
They book starts early morning and is usually home around 10:30 and 11:00 (18 holes rounds), so we usually get to spend the whole day together.
Only once a year he would spend the whole day at golf with his brothers to celebrate his dad's birthday.

OP you haven't said if he helps out during the week in the evenings?

My DH loves golf, DS also plays, so they go together. DS started playing about 9. I love that they spend time together, in the fresh air. It’s a great sport. But if it’s upsetting you, you need to discuss it and compromise.

“Golf”

You’re a golf widow you’ll either need to accept it or move on.

Once men are into golf there’s no turning back and it takes over all their spare time.

How will he manage all this golf when you split because of his behaviour, and he has sole 24/7 care of DS half of every week?
Ask him that!

My DH has played golf since he was a teenager, long before I met him. He's always liked to play in the club competitions on Sundays and before DC he would practice for a couple of hours maybe twice a week. The practice sessions have now almost disappeared. He just doesn't have the time. Occasionally in summer he will get up absurdly early to go for an hour before work, getting back about 7am before going to work.
When he does play on Sundays he gets one of the earliest tee times he can so that he's back at a decent time. He would love to play more than he does, he absolutely loves the game, but he loves us more.
He has never been on a golfing holiday, not even a weekend. If we go on holiday in the UK he might put a couple of clubs in the car and hit some balls if there's a big enough grassed area somewhere.
DD1 (14) now plays with him (in fact they're there now). Hopefully DD2 (8) will join them soon.
I hate how golfers are always thought to be selfish gits on mumsnet. Not all of them are. It's not the golf that makes them that way, I bet they're like that in other ways as well.

It would be completely unacceptable to me, and it is not okay that he is checking out of parenting every single weekend.

Totally unacceptable.

@MrsTumbletap

Son is 6, and DH knows what DS says, he says it to him too, he’s not bothered. Says their relationship is fine.

Conversation earlier and DH says he wants his ‘freedom’ and to be able to ‘see his mates’. He sees them most weekends. As is going away with said mates for 4 days on a golf weekend.

I am so done with these conversations about being around for family time. We see it so differently.

He stroppily said earlier “fine I will never play golf at the weekend ever again, but you are never ever allowed to ask for me to help with DS if you ever want to go shopping. It's all or nothing”.

Marvellous.

help with the DS?

He doesn't see himself as equally responsible for his own children; he sees himself as reluctantly helping you when you can't do it.

He's a twat. I'd tell him straight out that your marriage won't survive his shitty attitude and behaviour.

@GroovyClementine

This is not about golf.

This is about him being a selfish bastard.

He wants to be single but with only the benefits of having a wife and children. He wants none of the shit work or problems, just wants your input and for you to be there for his needs when he feels like it.

Fuck him.

Leave his arse.

He can then see if his mates or his golf clubs will shag him, cook for him, clean for him, wash his clothes or say, "love you".

I am presuming you do all this because it's sounds like he is never in the house long enough.

This.

What does he say when you ask about whether he wants to do something as a family?
Honestly, what do I get out to this religion?
Do you ever do stuff as a couple?

@AmandaHoldensLips

What is it with men and their fucking sports? Does my head in.

This. ^ And as a pp said, it's very often sports that enable them to opt out of family life. Golf, fishing, footie, you name it... It doesn't matter as long as he doesn't have to bother sharing the domestic duties and childcare. These

My dh used to spend one day of the weekend on the golf course too, which annoyed me a lot. Since the kids were small he tends to tee off about 8am or late afternoon in the summer so we at least get half the day together. I’m happy with that as it’s good for his stress levels so therefore good for us all!