My husband playing golf at the weekend pisses me off

[MrsTumbletap]

Just looking for opinions and thoughts on this issue as I know a lot of women on here have partners that play golf or even play golf themselves.

DH didn't play golf when we got together he took up this hobby a few years ago. He plays in week on his day off when I'm at work, DS is at school, fine, no issue with that.

DH also works 1 day every weekend, so me and DS spend a lot of time together just us, which is lovely, but he does say a lot “Daddy is always at golf, why does he go so much?” And I'm always trying to explain that he wants his own time etc. We have 4 days a month as a family. He likes to play golf on two of those.

Then chuck in the 4 day golf weekends a couple of times a year and it feels like he is taking the piss.

AIBU to moan a bit that he isn't around that much as a dad and part of the family? That he is missing the memories of when kids are little and fun?

Is it the same if your husband is in to going to football matches, or going to the gym 4 times a week, or fishing etc?

I have my own hobbies, my own friends, I'm busy, I'm happy, but the days a month where we are all off school and work to me seem like we should be together.

Golf one sunday a month would be fine but every other? It just seems like he is shirking his parental responsibilities, he thinks aibu and I shoul be fine with it.

I need wider opinions.

@Hont1986

If you're at work and DS is at school then you aren't really noticing the day he goes during the week. The crux is whether the two Sundays a month is too much. I don't think it is really. People are acting like he never spends time with his children outside the weekend but the OP doesn't say that. What else would they be doing on a Sunday, lounging around at home probably? I don't think it makes much difference.

The Op is looking after her DS 8 days a month. DH is involved 2 days per month possibly less if you factor in golf weekends/tournaments. I would hazard a guess that she is doing all the thinking and planning for those 2 days as well.

Playing golf twice a week when you work full time with a child is pure selfishness.

Going against the grain here, but if he's contributing at home in other ways (helping with son in the evenings, household tasks etc) then I wouldn't mind OH playing golf as you've described. I'd just do my own thing with son, my friends etc on those Sundays. In fact, I'd make sure those days were extremely fun - OH's problem if he doesn't want to join in. Would also make sure to book the odd weekend away with my friends etc. I think people should be able to do what they want, so long as they are not creating an unfair burden for their partner.

There's a reason for the term 'Grass Widow'. I don't know what it is about golf but I think those who play do get obsessed by it. My Ex would go and socialize at the golf club every Friday evening. Play from 7:30 to 5:00 all day Saturday (two rounds) and Sunday 7:30 until 1:00! And there would be committee meetings a couple of times a month during the week.
To be fair, he did want me to play and socialize too but I was in my twenties, had zero interest and the sole topic of conversation at the club was golf. Factor in weekends away golfing several times a year plus whole weekends spent watching the big tournaments on TV and I could almost be classed as single.
As a consequence, I built a whole life for myself away from him spending time with my friends and family. It wasn't the only reason the marriage didn't last but it was a contributing factor.

Golf on his day off is more than enough

My exdh was similar at the weekend but not with golf. When he left and dd was 8 she said that she was glad daddy had gone as she now saw him more!

Tell him your son's exact words or ask him to repeat it with your husband in earshot

Is he out all day? Can he not get a round in early and be back for family time from say 10/11am? That's a fair compromise surely otherwise he's just a part time dad!

Somethings not right here, why does a round of golf take him a whole day? My husband plays every weekend, leaves at seven, does eighteen holes, he’s back by about 12.30. He’s only out longer if he sits in the club house and has lunch.

If he’s taking a whole day something else is happening.

Somehow its always OK for Dads who Golf,Cycle,whatever .IF Mums spent EOW shopping with the girls ,going to Art classes whatever WTF would happen then? Your DS is obv missing him .Some men dont seem to realise that before they know it ,said DC are Teenagers and not interested in hanging out with DP! Maybe speak to his parents or BIL/SIL whatever .At the end of the day he is the one missing out big time!

It’s sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with his family.

DH plays hockey. An away match can easily take a whole day. Since we had DS he’s stuck to training and the odd home game when it suits.

Your DH has got a weekday to himself. He sounds really selfish.

If you leave the selfish twat and he had D.C. eow then he’d see them more. That’s so sad.

Son is 6, and DH knows what DS says, he says it to him too, he’s not bothered. Says their relationship is fine.

Conversation earlier and DH says he wants his ‘freedom’ and to be able to ‘see his mates’. He sees them most weekends. As is going away with said mates for 4 days on a golf weekend.

I am so done with these conversations about being around for family time. We see it so differently.

He stroppily said earlier “fine I will never play golf at the weekend ever again, but you are never ever allowed to ask for me to help with DS if you ever want to go shopping. It's all or nothing”.

Marvellous.

YANBU, and tbh it does sound fishy that it is taking all day.

Have you discussed the compromise, ie how others in the thread who have their DH play but get back for lunch? It sounds like meeting in the middle may be the only way out of it.

Maybe one of the family days could be some crazy golf with his son 🤣

I would leave him. Selfish bastard and shit Husband/Dad

@MrsTumbletap

Son is 6, and DH knows what DS says, he says it to him too, he’s not bothered. Says their relationship is fine.

Conversation earlier and DH says he wants his ‘freedom’ and to be able to ‘see his mates’. He sees them most weekends. As is going away with said mates for 4 days on a golf weekend.

I am so done with these conversations about being around for family time. We see it so differently.

He stroppily said earlier “fine I will never play golf at the weekend ever again, but you are never ever allowed to ask for me to help with DS if you ever want to go shopping. It's all or nothing”.

Marvellous.

What a twat he is. As for the comment about letting you go shopping just tell him it won't be an issue as you actually enjoy going out and being with your child. I can't believe how angry I feel about his attitude.

He stroppily said earlier “fine I will never play golf at the weekend ever again, but you are never ever allowed to ask for me to help with DS if you ever want to go shopping. It's all or nothing”.

What an arse!

I’d just focus on building your life up without him. He doesn’t give a shit.

Golfers give me considerable rage.

Me too! His attitude pisses me off far more sometimes than the golf. It's the “I am allowed to do what I want, I want my freedom, I want to see my mates, I dont want to be controlled, I will ido what I want or I will screw you over attitude”.

And then the sulking if I have a problem with him planning time for himself constantly.

It's not just the golf weekends either it the hours and hours of sitting on his phone planning the bloody weekends, constantly on their phone group chats talking about it, sorting out hiring buggies, etc etc. It's takes over his brain, so even when he is here, he isn't here!

But the different perspectives on here do help, as lots of people think it's fine, so maybe it's a compromise that needs to be made with tee off times or late afternoon games.

@EugeniaGrace ditto! What is it about golf that is so annoying?!

Sounds like a complete arsehole.

DH used to go to football (home or away) one day at the weekend and golf the other. He thought I should be happy as he played golf very early and was home by lunchtime to spend the rest of the day with us. (Asleep on the sofa!)

After a while I told him I was leaving him and he could do exactly what he wanted but only every other weekend when he didn't have the DC.

To be fair I hadn't addressed it before and he was horrified I felt like that so cut right back and appreciated that he was being a thoughtless selfish idiot.

Your DH seems to be ignoring the fact that this is negatively affecting both you and your son and he needs to decide whether his hobby or his family is more important to him.

Has he ever looked after DS on his own OP?

He sounds like he just doesn’t get it.

I had a really heartbreaking chat with my NDN recently, she’s in her 70s now and was talking about the real sadness she felt when their kids were young and her DH was just never there. He was always off playing golf.

She said she used to look longingly at other families all happy together at the park or etc and she was always there just her and the kids. Yes she liked being with her kids but she always felt on her own. Even all these years later she had tears in her eyes thinking back to those days.

It’s not just unfair that he leaves you to do all the childcare, it’s unfair that he doesn’t think being with his family is as good as sodding golf.

Do you not want to leave him?

My mate's DP is like this about football. Now she has two family members who are really ill and her DP can't be trusted to care for the children adequately while she cares for them.

It's fucking pathetic. Men who derive all their internal self-worth from sports and their friends while neglecting their children. Eternal teenagers.

He sounds incredibly boring apart from anything else.

Is he at least rich or amazing in bed?

My two cents: Honestly I don't think it's worth divorcing someone over, especially if there is a child involved. Posters on here leap to LTB pretty quickly as though breaking up your family is simply done and always better.

But if I was you I'd adjust my expectations, not because he's being reasonable but because he sounds hopeless. Fill your life with other people, events and things.

Your son will be fine. It's sad he's missing out on family time but one loving engaged parent plus a stable home and a somewhat involved dad is more than a lot of children get and they turn out fine.

Also- FWIW No judgement from me if you happen to shag a handsome postie while DH is busy golfing. He can't expect the world to wait around for him.