Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

YANBI didn’t move DD until 15 months as she wasn’t ready before and once she is in a bed instead of a cot, if she chooses to come back in to my bed that’s fine.

It’s a very odd notion that babies should be independent.

Ummm, my 11 month old didn't start sleeping through until I put him in his own room at about 7 months. 3 days later he was sleeping 7-7.

My now 8 year old was the same, barely slept until he was 1 when we put him in his own room out of desperation.

If my children come into my room at night (it's rare) i budge up and welcome them in though. But none of us would get any sleep if we were all in together.

As I’m sure you’re aware, the sophistication of Japanese loos makes ours look like a long-drop.

🤣

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Because having children isn't about letting them have everything their way. It's about doing what's best for them. Sometimes what's best for them isn't what they want. Being able to sleep independently is a good skill. If it isn't introduced they will struggle with bedtime come older years when they don't want to sleep with mum anymore, and sleep deprivation is extremely detrimental to children, especially in older and teenage years when they're at school the next day.

Also, parents are human too and should have the right to a child-free bed. It's important to teach kids that their parents feelings matter as well.

This. Couldn’t have worded it better.

I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed.

They do. You can imagine from a child's pov wondering why they have to sleep alone when mummy and daddy have each other and get to sleep together or in the case of a single parent, why mum/dad get to have someone to stay with them at night while they (the child) don't.

It does make them feel lonely, if not unwanted, till they become conditioned that it's the done thing and learn from everyone else in the culture that it's normal.

So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?
Culture, tradition and it's born from selfishness (I don't mean this as a bad thing necessarily) - needing your own space, needing space for sexual activities, needing time to rest and relax from taking care of them. It's definitely not for any child benefit reason.

"To get them to be more independent", my fat arse! What, at 2/3/4... years old?

Children generally tend to move away from wanting to sleep in the same room as their parents after a while and they also have very similar reasons as the adults, which is that they need their own space but adults generally don't wait to get to that stage because of the culture.

I'm co sleeping with my 20 month old. He goes to sleep in his own bed but comes in with us later in the night. My back aches as a result and I have about 3 inches of a king size mattress to balance on. My pillow goes on the bedside table and I sleep at an angle. It's horrendous. I cannot wait for him to drop some of the night wakings. But his sister was the same. I reckon it'll be another year

My dc do share a room though until they want separate rooms.

ds went down in his own bed but most nights/early mornings would come through and sleep, he would sneak in and sometimes we didn't even realise he was there until morning - this is where the extra space in superking beds are brilliant! He stopped it eventually.

Most people I know had didn't "sleep train" their young children, they encouraged them to sleep in their own room but either let them come in or went to their room if they wanted some comfort during the night.

I'd say it's easier for them if they have siblings to share a room with because they, too, aren't alone at night.

Some will still go to their parent(s)' room even if they have siblings and this can be because the parent(s) presence bring more comfort.

From a personal point of view, I can't sleep in the same bed as anyone - partners included - and prefer my own space and silence when sleeping. My own concession to this has been when they were still waking for feeds in the night and it was easier to sleep close to them.

I once spent two hours from 4am in a hotel room with toddler DS gently fondling my face and cooing to me. Which was lovely, in a way, but also one of several reasons why he went into his own room

Because the needs or wants of a child shouldn’t always come first. DC3 at 18 months absolutely did not want to sleep in his own bed or room, but he wouldn’t sleep the night through in my room either. I’d be breastfeeding from 7pm-11pm some nights to get him to sleep and the second I moved away from him because I needed the loo or a bath or 5 damn minutes to feel like I wasn’t a robot there only to feed and cuddle him, he’d wake up. And he’s wake up repeatedly through the night to feed. It mentally broke me. I no longer felt human, I resented every feed, every touch (from everyone, I’m still not fully recovered from feeling touched out almost 2 years later), being woken up 5+ times a night. I could not take it anymore.

Best thing for the both of us was him sleeping in his own bed. He suddenly slept through the night, was sleeping in under half an hour of being out to bed and started coming on leaps and bounds in the day. My mental health improved, I finally started feeling human and that caused massive improvements in my own life.

It’s not wrong to put your own needs first if it’s going to benefit your child too.

Because the needs or wants of a child shouldn’t always come first.

Needs should, wants shouldn't.

I think it is a bizarre part of British culture, the obsession with getting children into their own rooms. I didn't have any furniture in our bedroom when my kids were little, instead I put toddler beds into our room. They also had their own rooms with beds so when they wanted to sleep in their own room as they grew up, all they needed to do was to get into a different bed. Although it did mean doubling up on the beds, they were just ikea cheapies so I didn't mind.

Now we have ended up with the dog in our bed . But again, he is just a little animal and frankly the kids were just baby animals and all of them wanted their mum and dad. So that's what they got. Nobody is ever going to ask my teenage dd "oh so did you sleep in with your parents when you were 8" or whatever.

I never have. We've co-slept from day one and when they're ready to transition it's organic. No harm done.

I try to get mine to spend at least some of the night in their own beds mostly because I can't sleep well when they are helicoptering around in mine and mostly they just don't like falling asleep alone

Both of my children (3 & 1) have had their own rooms since 6/7 months. They both go to bed at 7pm. My eldest wakes between 6.30-7.00am, takes himself to the toilet then comes and wakes us up, or sometimes just goes and plays in his room for a while. My daughter wakes up at around 8-8.30am. This morning she slept in til 9.00am.

My son wakes through the night a couple of times per month. Usually he just wants a drink of water or to use the toilet and goes straight back to bed. My daughter wakes maybe once a week for a cuddle, always between 9pm-11pm (more often if teething).

My husband and I come to bed when we like and use our bedroom freely

What a terrible, uncaring mother I must be.

@ItsAlwaysAFriendNeverMe so my child’s need to sleep in bed and breastfeed 5+ times a night should have come before my need to not blow my brains out? Aye alright then, glad it’s not your advice I listened to at the time

@KurtWilde

I never have. We've co-slept from day one and when they're ready to transition it's organic. No harm done.

Organic? What on earth does that mean?

@ConfusedAdultFemale

When there are 2 needs clashing, it's harder I agree. So you have to pick the better of the 2. If your choice made things much easier, then it's the right option and nothing wrong with it.

My quote and response was more about separating between 'needs' and 'wants' than commenting on your personal experience.

Children need clear boundaries and I’d argue that giving their parents space at night is one of those. We all deserve some personal space and some time alone even if it’s just while we sleep.

@ItsAlwaysAFriendNeverMe which is a perfectly reasonable thing to point out, my apologies. I am over sensitive on the subject, it was a time of a hell of a lot of guilt and conflict for me and an extremely difficult adjustment for DC!

@ConfusedAdultFemale

@Warmduscher it means they let me know when they wanted to have their own rooms in their own time rather than me pushing them into it

@MrsTophamHat

Both of my children (3 & 1) have had their own rooms since 6/7 months. They both go to bed at 7pm. My eldest wakes between 6.30-7.00am, takes himself to the toilet then comes and wakes us up, or sometimes just goes and plays in his room for a while. My daughter wakes up at around 8-8.30am. This morning she slept in til 9.00am.

My son wakes through the night a couple of times per month. Usually he just wants a drink of water or to use the toilet and goes straight back to bed. My daughter wakes maybe once a week for a cuddle, always between 9pm-11pm (more often if teething).

My husband and I come to bed when we like and use our bedroom freely

What a terrible, uncaring mother I must be.

You have a set-up which works for you and which also happens to be the norm not only on this thread but in the cultural practices of the UK. And yet a stranger asking a question about those practices has prompted you to respond defensively and sarcastically. Why?

We have such a long way to go before we can talk openly about our different parenting choices.