Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

Someone on this thread co-slept until her children were 9 & 10 years old.
I'd be curious to know about the children's resilience levels, and also the state of her marriage!
I can just about understand co-sleeping with a toddler, but the above is a bit odd in my opinion.

Life has changed, cave people didn't have to get up at 7 to catch a train, do shift work or drive 2h on the motorway to do a branch visit. They didn't have multiple rooms & children needed to be protected from wild beasts.

My children have never slept in our bed, but without fail I go to them if they call me in the night, and have spent more than a handful of nights in their floor wrapped in the spare duvet. But its not habitual.

Each to their own though, do what feels right for your family.

The independent argument is bull, why do adults sleep with other adults in that case? Why one rule for them and another for us? Mine can sleep with us as long as they want. We have a superking bed to accommodate them. It's human nature to want to sleep with others and very unnatural to force toddlers to sleep alone. If not being disturbed at night is essential to an adult they shouldn't contemplate having children. In this country people treat dogs better than children in terms of meeting their needs.

it's very unnatural from an evolutionary standpoint

This is coming up a lot in this thread. My point of view would be that we are continuously evolving, and therefore putting children in their own rooms, is an additional step from a modern evolutionary point of view. Eventually if we all do it, all our children will be in their beds. Evolution occurs in order to fit best outcomes. If the outcomes are the same or better for both methods, either is acceptable.

I can't sleep with children, never been able to. My babies went into the nursery very early, and now DH and I have separate bedrooms. Bliss.

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night

And in answer to the OP - personally, and this is my very personal opinion, and against current advice, etc etc, it's because they aren't moved into their own room to sleep early enough, or even for daytime naps. If you do it at about 6 months (or earlier), the baby knows no different. It gets used to being in it's own room, and is happy there.

I can't think of anything worse than the thought of having our daughter in our room for the next 15 years. She has never co slept with us and she will be in her own room as soon as she turns 6 months in June. I'm looking forward to my husband and I getting our privacy back.

We have such a long way to go before we can talk openly about our different parenting choices.

True dat!!

What ever works couldn't think of anything worse than having kids in with us when they were small .

The only thing that annoys me is when people have them in with them then endlessly complain about it .

The independent argument is bull, why do adults sleep with other adults in that case? Why one rule for them and another for us?

But adults only bedshare with adults they're in a sexual relationship with - if two single flatmates slept together each night people would (rightly or wrongly) find that bizarre. Single adults usually sleep alone and it's not seen as some huge hardship.

Also, people seem to be mixing up whether people in the past did sleep with their babies and whether they actively wanted to. Most ordinary Tudor families bedshared, but Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn didn't have baby Elizabeth in with them (nor did they routinely sleep together!), and nor did most people if they were rich enough that it wasn't necessary.

I'm looking forward to my husband and I getting our privacy back.

My dc are in primary & Ive never had such little privacy. I miss the days when they were babies & transfixed by a wall 😆

@user64325

The independent argument is bull, why do adults sleep with other adults in that case? Why one rule for them and another for us? Mine can sleep with us as long as they want. We have a superking bed to accommodate them. It's human nature to want to sleep with others and very unnatural to force toddlers to sleep alone. If not being disturbed at night is essential to an adult they shouldn't contemplate having children. In this country people treat dogs better than children in terms of meeting their needs.

Why do adults sleep with other adults. Well that's nature as well isn't it? It's not the same as a child feeling attached to a parent. The human species generally reach puberty and seek out a mate (if we're all talking like David Attenborough) to reproduce with and for recreational sex.

Most parents find a middle ground. Children settled and left to sleep alone (unless parents are going to bed at their toddler's bedtime?) and are allowed to seek comfort from parents if they wake in the night, are poorly, bad dream etc and are allowed to join their parent's bed.

Saying most children are being "forced" to sleep in their own bed is untrue and over dramatic.

It's important for psycho sexual emotional development.

Because, at an age appropriate time, when the child has the capacity to manage the realisation and with our support, a child has to learn that the parents relationship is not something that he or she is part of.

That he or she is not in a special couple with mummy and daddy but rather mummy and daddy are the couple. I think before this realisation a child feels like the world exists in relationship to him or her.

I am in a special couple with mummy. We are the same and she feels about me like I feel about her. I'm also in a special couple with daddy. He feels the same about me.

It's a shock when a child gets the dawning realisation that the real coupledom is going on away from him. Mummy and daddy's main emotional and love interest is in each other, not him.

This is very painful - we all know what it feels like to feel left out! - but necessary developmentally.

Once the child can accept this truth it frees them up to go on developing- looking out into the world to school and peers- and one day to being in a mature couple themselves. It also helps the child to solidify their identity and sexuality.

If a child doesn't really navigate this developmental leap then psychically a person remains forever "in his parents bed".

It gives rise to all sorts of psychological and emotional difficulties which you then see in adults. Of course the adult is often very mature and functional, responsible holding down a job and family. But somewhere deep down there are areas of the personality and mind which are quite undeveloped.

In order to develop the ability to reflect on things, to think about things rather than simply rushing to act on anger or rage or depression, you have to be able to take a mental position of being outside yourself looking in.

When a child sees that he is outside his parents relationship he has an experience of being on the outside looking in and observing. It starts to create what you might call a reflective capacity in the mind.

People who have well developed reflective capacity are good at taking themselves out of a high affect situation - rage, disappointment, frustration etc- and being about to think about and contain it without simply being overwhelmed (as a toddler would be - toddlers have little reflective capacity).

People with well developed reflective capacity are good self regulators. They tend to have strong relationships because of this.

My first slept with me until about 1 and a half second until 4, I liked the closeness but I can't deny that I got a better nights sleep when they were there, I didn't, and honestly the lack of sex life become a bit dull too. Everyone is different 🤷🏻‍♀️ I didn't sleep with my mum ever and don't feel deprived, I loved my own space even as a small child.

One obvious and typical thing, when it comes to parenting traditions and culture, is that many people just go along with them and never think about them from the child(ren)'s point of view.

Then they go on to have more children because it's what we do (and don't consider it from a child/ren's point of view either).

I also think that up to a point it is totally appropriate for babies and little kids to co sleep.

And I think the point at which it becomes less healthy is fluid- my 9 year old doesn't sleep in my bed but he might if he's very unwell.

The process of the child leaving the parents bed behind - both literally but also psychically - is a gradual one - the child has flash of independence, the parents get the feeling that they can set more of a boundary .. and it is a gradual shift from infancy to more independent latency age child who has separated psychically from mum and dad.

I think the idea of two adults in a bed is different. They are two separate people who choose the share a bed.

I think a small child is much more merged and fluid in their identity and personhood than that. Stands to reason really as they are developing into the separate person they will become.

@ItsAlwaysAFriendNeverMe

One obvious and typical thing, when it comes to parenting traditions and culture, is that many people just go along with them and never think about them from the child(ren)'s point of view.

Then they go on to have more children because it's what we do (and don't consider it from a child/ren's point of view either).

But we all were children? I'm sorry that you think sleeping alone as a child is such a scarring experience but that just isn't my experience

BigWoollyJumpers from my experience this isn't necessarily the case. I started all mine off like this. But as they get older and start to understand the world, they get frightened at night. I think we all do. Lying there thinking of death, and the mysteries of the world, it can unnerve any of us. If they want to seek the comfort of my warm bed then who am I to deny them? I can't give them any other comfort other than platitudes. The world is harsh, unfair, cruel and dangerous and often makes no sense. I take my comfort where I find it.

Because we both sleep better that way and because I'm a person too and I deserve my own bedroom, space and peace.

I hate the idea that once you're a mother you're selfish for doing something because it's good for you. I am a person, I deserve to have space and care for myself and do things I enjoy because I'm a person in my own right. I know it's not all related to the bedroom thing but it is in a wider sense.

My MIL is like this, sees anything not for the children as selfish or unnecessary - like if I want to do something she'll preemptively rationalise it by saying how it's really for the children.

Like, not always- obviously I'd never do anything to affect them badly but it's not always that they're the reason behind every decision. It's not a sin to do something because it's good for me.

@Stretchandsnap yes like you I was the same. I found out a few years into parenting my eldest that I was becoming 'mum' rather than 'person' and it was entirely my own doing. I have much more rounded kids IMO for letting them know that whilst I am there to look after and raise them, my voice is as important as theirs.

My mum also utterly lived for her children. There were 4 of us born in 4 years and as soon as she had her eldest she gave up her career as a chef which she battled her way through (a very sexist) culinary school for. She worshipped at the Altar of Her Children, gave up hobbies, didn't go on weekends away with girlfriends in case one of us needed her, never left the house and never spoke up and said "On this day out I'd like to do X Y and Z".

As a result, when we got to adolescence she basically became invisible, except when we needed her to do something for us. By this point she was in her 40's but had no friends because she didn't keep her old friendships up, completely lost confidence to go back into work as a chef (highly competitive anyway), lost all interest in taking hobbies back up and she spent our teenage years very bitter that she was suddenly invisible and worthless.

I mean looking back we didn't treat her brilliantly - like many teens with their parents - as in we didn't ever consider her feelings or needs. But I do wonder perhaps if she centered herself more we would have treated her better. We didn't even need her home every weekend or at 5pm sharp. It just suited us as we had to do fewer things ourselves.

Mind you she made up for it all, as soon as I left for Uni she buggered off abroad and have never come back now has a very active social life with other ex-pats which I'm pleased about for her. But I feel like she wasted so many years being too selfless

But we all were children?
Yea, who tend to repeat cycles till we see things differently.

I'm sorry that you think sleeping alone as a child is such a scarring experience

Where did you get that from? There are definitely children who are completely fine alone because of their personality (They, too like their own space) and those who just learn to get on with it - the norm/tradition; whatever situation they're faced with but this doesn't necessarily mean they're fine or happy. Some are.

Then, there are those who are negatively affected by it, even if it doesn't show directly. A lot of the time, the latter struggle for attention because when they really need(ed) it, when there's nothing to do and they're alone, they don't/didn't get that attention/comfort. This doesn't mean it always happens or that it's the only reason some children have 'attention-seeking' issues.

Pretending the latter doesn't exist is living in denial or being oblivious to the psychological needs of children.

If a child doesn't really navigate this developmental leap then psychically a person remains forever "in his parents bed".

1. If they're in their own cot from.birth they're not 'navigating' anything.

1. Are you really suggesting that the majority of the world's cultures are producing emotionally and sexually stunted adults because they don't do what those on the west now (although not until relatively recently) consider normal?

www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/health-science/bed-sharing-co-sleeping-different-cultures/amp/

1. Does this not sound to you like the sort of psuedo psychology that told mothers in the early 1900s that if they picked up their baby for any reason other than to feed, wind or change him that he'd grow up clingy and completely incapable of functioning on his own?

For me it is because children need to go to sleep earlier. My children are in bed for 7pm, if I went to bed at that time I would be wide awake at 2am and unable to go back to sleep until just before we had to be up for school/work. They both know that if they need me in the night I am there and they can come into my room but so far they never have.

We don’t🤷‍♀️

I idea, I don't

I don't agree that attention seeking issues stem from a child sleeping in their own bed. That would be a result of consistent emotional neglect.

There are few parents that don't comfort a young child in the night if they wake and want attention. I'm not sure what you're imagining but non co sleeping parents aren't locking their bedroom door and putting a Do not Disturb, strictly no entry sign on it.

Also one size doesn't fit all. Children have different personalities, some reach independence more quickly than others for example, some are naturally more anxious or need reassurance at night, some don't.