Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

@CarlottaValdez

We are the only species on the planet that makes their young sleep away from them

It’s true though, you know how you always see flies cuddled up with their children?

The image

Shame on you, egghead81! You're one of the reasons why people nc on here. That was uncalled for and I know for sure I'm not even who you're speaking about but that is just not cool to bring someone's post about their child on here to score points!

Secondly, both points can still exist. smh

Many children I come into contact with (different culture) share a bed with their grandparent, usually grandfather.

but that is just not cool

That was putting it mildly. It was a nasty thing to do.

I agree op and many adults don't like to sleep alone so why would a tiny baby or toddler.

One went alone from about five months the other about two years.

Both had periods of coming in and we let them, they soon grew out of it, if they are feeling scared or insecure they can't articulate those feelings, they come out as wanting to be near their parents.

I would argue allowing them to show when they need closeness and responding with support will help their confidence.

Bedshared with them all and zero regrets.

I don’t tend to believe people when they say ‘zero regrets’ - same with ‘wouldn’t change it for the world’... when you’re genuinely happy with something it goes without saying. You don’t hear people say I won an amazing holiday, zero regrets. I’ve finally paid off my mortgage, wouldn’t change it for the world... My child enjoyed sleeping in his own bed from a young age and I was able to sleep properly, no regrets and wouldn’t change it for the world...
Incidentally the only person I know who bed-shares never stops going on about how tired she is and how her child can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time - nearly 4 years old now - so perhaps that’s swayed me against trying it. I’m sure it works for some - but I don’t hear many positive stories about it, it just sounds tiring and stressful for all involved, and the children don’t know any better. They need to be shown and taught that having your own space can be calming and cosy. The average double and king size bed isn’t big enough for that many sleepers, that’s probably the main issue.

I'm surprised its grandfather rather than grandmother - DS1 usually sleeps with my DM when he sleeps over at theirs.
I used to sleep next to my gran too when I went on sleepovers (I'm not British)

We cosleep with the DC but they are getting bunk beds next year so hopefully they'll stay in them!

My kids would eat nothing but pizza given the chance.

Sometimes, what the kids want is not what is best for them or indeed their parents. Fucking strange that, isn't it.

The I've we did Co sleep with had large Co sleep cot and their own space.
If I had my times again with small children the largest beds known to man is the way forward.

Each dc is different and we responded to each need

I don’t tend to believe people when they say ‘zero regrets’

But it’s just not an issue to some people. We stopped making an issue of the kids sleeping in their own beds. Sometimes they slept all night in their own beds, sometimes they woke up and came in with us. It just wasn’t something that was an issue so there’s nothing to ‘regret’. By the time they were about 4, they almost always slept in their own bed for the whole night.

If you bedshare - do you all go to bed at the same time?? Because I wouldn’t have put my ds in the double bed alone incase he fell out - so I’m not sure how I would have done the bed sharing had I wanted to. His own bed is much closer to the floor and before that he was on his own in a cot bed. Do the babies/toddlers go to bed late or do parents go to bed early?

I don’t tend to believe people when they say ‘zero regrets’ - same with ‘wouldn’t change it for the world’... when you’re genuinely happy with something it goes without saying

Yeah, I have never said this outwith MN though, but because it fits with the context of the thread where we are discussing co sleeping, I would say it here.

Ours settled straight away between 6 months and 8 months.
Had they not then I'd have waited until they were ready.
As long as they are ready to leave home post 18 why should these things matter to the day.

I go to bed at the same time as baby ds as he isn’t six months yet pinkblueberry but he sleeps in a next to me crib.

A quick google came up with this, which shows that anyone saying cosleeping with kids makes them clingy and unconfident is talking tosh. Especially the ones who think the kids will still be cosleeping when they're 18

However as previously stated, kids usually take after their parents so hopefully the kids who really want to sleep with their parents will have parents who allow it, and kids who are happy to sleep on their own will also be able to do so.

Everyone should do what works for them without having to make up reasons why their way is better.

Those sources aren’t without leanings though. People can do what they want but I don’t get a wink of sleep bed sharing, it doesn’t mean I love ds any less.

As other have said, being in their own beds doesn't mean they can't pop in to yours when they are unwell or frightened. But, again, with mine, they came in, had a cuddle, and were then encouraged to go back on their own and put themselves back in bed. Yes, I had to get up a couple of times, of course, if they were still scared, but they learnt to self settle very well, and eventually rarely came in.

Agree
DC1 forced it
DC2 didn’t
Guess who is happier
And erm still sleeping with me 😱

I'm surprised its grandfather rather than grandmother - DS1 usually sleeps with my DM when he sleeps over at theirs.

I have a theory. The job I do brings me into contact with children who are usually the eldest and a younger sibling is toddling. Grandmother is with them... Mum and Dad are constantly working to pay for the elite lifestyle and because their jobs demand it.

Its not putting them in their own room that is the issue, its not allowing them free access to come in with you if they are feeling insecure.

It's just me and my daughter in our house but she is 7 - almost 8 and still sleeps in with me. She was in her own room from 6 months until about 4, however, when we moved into our current house she just never settled in her own room.

She sleeps in beside me without fail and she's welcome to as long as she wants. I love having her in beside me and always have a better sleep than when she's at her dads.

She will go to bed at 8 and fall asleep in my bed and I will go up at 11/12 so I'm still getting my alone time.

^*My kids would eat nothing but pizza given the chance.

Sometimes, what the kids want is not what is best for them or indeed their parents. Fucking strange that, isn't it.*^

Not at all the same things though, are they?

Eating nothing but pizza would be bad for their health. Sleeping in a parents bed isn't necessarily bad for a child's health and could actually be beneficial for some.

That's not to say that everyone must do it, but strangely enough we are all different.

I don’t tend to believe people when they say ‘zero regrets’ - same with ‘wouldn’t change it for the world’... when you’re genuinely happy with something it goes without saying. You don’t hear people say I won an amazing holiday, zero regrets. I’ve finally paid off my mortgage, wouldn’t change it for the world...

You're misunderstanding the use of the phrase. It's used where someone's done something which people might expect to have been unpleasant or negative in some way, but found it positive. So you wouldn't use it for a holiday, as the expectation would be that it was a pleasant experience and therefore you wouldn't have regrets.

So you might say, 'I gave up my detached house and garden for a high rise flat- no regrets,' or, 'I gave up my successful career in medicine to become a teaching assistant- no regrets,' because people might expect you to have regrets, not because you do.

Eating nothing but pizza would be bad for their health. Sleeping in a parents bed isn't necessarily bad for a child's health and could actually be beneficial for some.

That's not to say that everyone must do it, but strangely enough we are all different.

Exactly.

Mine went into his own room at three months. We were keeping each other awake. At that age he was too young to know what he wanted. He’s a dream sleeper and a confident little soul, I don’t think it damaged him.