My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

At the absolute very least I'd be making a formal complaint to the Education Department regarding the school including the vile little bitch in their discussions. I was absolutely WTF?? reading about that. Whoever was involved in that really deserves to be sacked.

Another silent supporter here, I've also been following since thread 1 & am here supporting.

I understand why you feel like you want to ask him to leave but I'd be so worried he would find it too hard to return & end up staying with her even longer. It's so hard to know what to do for the best ☹️

I would ask him about the necklace and accompanying note and make him feel guilty. He’s obviously complained about it being gold plated, point out that it doesn’t mean you didn’t love him, it’s just all you could afford at the time.
Just let him reflect on what a spoilt brat he’s becoming, and how disloyal he is being to you and his dad.
He’s clearly slagging you both off to her parents, let him know that you know that - and how deeply it hurts.
A bit of shame might actually be a good thing for him at this point.

@Beefcurtains79 he may well be telling them some lies about us, we're not naive to that, the necklace though, I don't think so.
I offered to buy him a more expensive one but it was the one he wanted last birthday.
It's recently started to discolour/tarnish and I'd say she's noticed and knows why, or he's told her.

We're not going to kick him out, but we're at that point where we don't know what else to do.

Any chance he will look at the coercive control article above? Or do a tick box quiz about it? He needs it drummed into him a bit more

Well he's at her house (at the Mums) and he's just asked if she can stay at our house tomorrow night

DH is saying, to me, not a chance in hell. He will not let her in our house.

What are they (or she) playing at?
If we say no, she'll say to DS that she's trying to be nice and make amends and we're being unreasonable and 'being mean' but if we say yes it's saying to them that she can treat us however she wants and then come into our space?

I’m with your DH.

Actions may speak louder than words and she may well be trying to make amends, but after her actions, you need to at least hear her attempt to say sorry.

That is me being charitable, by the way. In your shoes, I’d be saying ‘hell, no. Over my dead and lifeless body will she set foot in this house again’.

When ds had a similar gf (posted up thread) she was banned from our house.. Wasn't being fake like she was. We didn't like her and wasn't being uncomfortable in my own home having her here. . Ds stopped asking to bring her back.

She hasn't wanted to come here in 12 months except that one time when I wasn't home.
How she can do what she does to DS and me and think we're going to welcome her here, she's delusional.

honestly, i'd let her come over, and the FIRST sign of any shenanigans, rudeness or attack on you, throw her out and make her go home.

@EmotionalSupportBear she'd never do it in person.
She literally runs away if she sees us in public. She'll be sweet as pie if she were to come over.
She's not welcome.
It might be the wrong decision, but the last bullshit was only a week ago, it's not forgiven.

[quote workworkworkugh]@EmotionalSupportBear she'd never do it in person.
She literally runs away if she sees us in public. She'll be sweet as pie if she were to come over.
She's not welcome.
It might be the wrong decision, but the last bullshit was only a week ago, it's not forgiven.[/quote]
I think you can't let her in your home out of respect to your other children. You need to show them, that you won't tolerate that amount of disrespect.

I really feel for you. I've been silently following your posts, and I can't imagine what you are going through.

This is another manipulative tactic by her to gloat and agitate you.

She is upping the ante - she’s trying to paint you into a corner.

Just say “No” calmly and assertively to your DS.

Do not get drawn into JADEing your decision with him (Justify, Argue, Defending or Explaining) as this is just detail / fuel for them to hook into a to create a dialogue.

If you want to expand “No. That doesn’t work for us / doesn’t suit us”

Don’t get into answering Qs on her not being welcome - this tactic is to paint you as the bad guys. Just rinse and repeat “No that doesn’t work for us”

You need to role model to your DS and your other DCs that you have clear and strong boundaries and values where you don’t engage with difficult people - and that you can hold these boundaries without escalating to conflict.

After the birthday party shenanigans, (not to mention urging your Ds to kill you[shock) ], not a hope in hell would I allow her inside the door.
Why should you be made feel uncomfortable in your own home to accommodate someone who has caused such distress to you over the last year?

I suspect that your grey rock is really winding her up so she is becoming more fixated to trigger an emotional response from you. Don’t give it to either of them.

Oh god no, don't let her in. Your husband is right.

Another vote for a big 'no' to that idea. But, I must admit, part of me would be tempted to allow it out of curiosity about her next move.

Under no circumstances would I have that witch in my house under my roof.
Just say to your DS that she can't stay and she isn't welcome in your house until she behaves appropriately and part of that is that she apologises for her behaviour. That puts the responsibility in her court as to whether she wants to stay or not and whether she wants to move on or not from her earlier behaviour.
Explain it to your son that you're treating her like you would a colleague who might ask to stay but has done the things she has done or said in the past. You'd be saying the same to them if they asked to stay so the decision would be theirs.
That would be my advice.

Best of luck to you @workworkworkugh

Wear your morals on full view op.. You don't like her. You don't support their relationship.. Hosting her is hypocritical imo.

I'm with DH too, definitely don't let her in the house

Tell DS that your house is his home too, and he is therefore welcome to have any friend over. Except her.

Letting her in is sending a message to both her and your son that her abusive behaviour is acceptable.

It's not, let her twist it however she wants. You can't control her poison, but you can control how you react to it. Show your son what strong boundaries looks like.

Best of luck OP, I've followed your story from the start x

Don't let her in your house.

Look, the girl is a snake but you son is an idiot. Sorry. Stop pandering to him. He knows what she has put you through. In a way, he is encouraging it.

Forgive me if you have already tried it, have you thought about breaking down in tears in front of your son. Really lay it on thick, that you are going to see GP for stress (even feign an illness if I was in your shoes, although I know that its a bit drastic, but my god you have tried everything else! xx)