My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

I hate her too on your behalf. I’m so sorry, you just keep on what you are doing and showing him that you do love him, despite what the child catchers are telling him.
You and your husband sound amazing.
The mother seems very very strange too, who tries to steal another women’s child? Their behaviour is so disturbing.

I hope the school bollocks the daughter for the emails at least, that will enrage her as it’s another adult daring to answer back to her. Just keep holding onto that thought.

How can your son not see through her? It’s so scary the hold she has on him. What does he think is going on when no one in his life likes her? Does he think he’s the only right one in the world?

I'm also hoping that the female teacher who has expressed concern (and who the daughter now hates) will continue to be a support and a voice of reason. The more people that shine a light on this, the more he'll hopefully start to realise the toxicity of the situation he's in.

It's a thing of nightmare for all parents - we are all behind you

womenagainstcrime.com/how-to-identify-grooming-and-what-to-do-if-you-see-it/

This mother / daughter / father / toxic family unit have overtly groomed your DS - this is high level manipulation so that they can exploit and control him to keep their unhinged DD emotionally contained (because she will never be happy)

However they are showing their hand and inadvertently revealing their dysfunction to many more people now - it will unravel. Everyone will look at that and think weird / creepy.

I would be adding this to the timeline of incidents that you bring to the school. Cold hard indisputable facts.

They are really punching low.

It must be excruciating for you.

including some of them posing (with GF as well) in the mirror sticking their bums out and pouting

Is this something your DS would genuinely have enjoyed doing?
Re crying, I'm afraid I would suspect that your DS is used to seeing crying as a manipulation tactic so I don't think OP openly crying would garner genuine sympathy from him.

Good luck op. A birthday was always going to become a pressure point.

Last year I bought DS a necklace (that he chose) but it was only gold plated.
This year she bought him one and included this note...

I'd be seriously struggling not to say "so now she's trying to buy your affection, that's nice". You deserve a bloody medal you really do. Keep hanging on in there.

Aw bless, she lost at using correct punctuation just in that note alone.

What a child she is - everything you post that she does makes my entire body cringe.

Can you emigrate? Jesus shes unhinged.

God, I think you're in for a rough day today, @workworkworkugh.

Stupid girl and stupid parents.

I am not sure even a professional would be able to diagnose her... Past the point of no return I imagine....
When my ds had a not half way as bad gf but similar... he had a breakdown and needed a mh team. Be prepared op...
He did dump her eventually.. About 2 years ago now.. A few months ago she sent me flowers asking if we could be friends...
I binned and ignored.. I never told ds...

All the proof you need that she is fixated with you - don’t play her game - drop the rope - she can’t win if you have left the building.

Funny and pathetic if it wasn’t so painful.

You are such a perceived threat to her - she has to demonise to annihilate you to isolate him.

She needs you to be emotionally negative with your DS - she is trying to trigger you into doing this as she is so empty she needs others emotional distress, anger, reaction, drama as fuel just to feel alive. Don’t give her this through him - don’t let him sense your tension at her - if you need to detach and withdraw from him when you are triggered that’s fine. Don’t let her win by getting under your skin and being emotional around him.

How or why did you even see the note? Was it addressed to you or him?
Agree that you are very important to her in terms of playing the game. I'd find it very difficult but you should pretend you've never seen it.

Take it hour by hour - the birthday (assume today?) will nearly be over - keep calm and focus on encouraging your DS to do stuff with his friends over the weekend. This was always going to be her flash point - step back and let her and her mothers theatrics take centre stage so others can see. Currently they just look foolish and unhinged - if you react / respond it becomes something else entirely - a fight, a dialogue a tug of war - don’t go there.

Wishing you strength to resist.

@WithMyEncyclopedia I was in his room talking to him and asked what she bought him. He had it laid out and didn't mind me looking. The note was in with the necklace.

@DFOD too late. Couldn't help it. If we don't say anything he will think we don't care at all.
Didn't help that he refused to come for dinner at the time of the booking and there were other family there waiting, that's when he told us about what she said.
(Plus the part conversation I overheard)

I just can't imagine that if this were a DD that a father wouldn't be on his doorstep telling him to pull his head in.
We only haven't as DS pleads with us not to as it makes things hard for him. His words.

That’s so weird - what’s he doing and where is he if he isn’t with her because she is in isolation - that he can’t come to dinner?

“We only haven't as DS pleads with us not to as it makes things hard for him. His words.”

If you have this on text - put it together and bring it to the school - this is happening on their watch / premises (and they are complicit by their own failures) - this needs to be escalated to a safeguarding team who can see exactly what is happening and know how best to manage this. This is so extreme and out of the ordinary that you need professional expertise.

Regarding your point around if this was your DD - can you imagine the uproar of the behaviour if a BFs Dad posted 35 pictures with sloppy gushy messages on SM - it would be alarming.

She’s a bully, she’s bullying you. What’s the best way to deal with a bully? I’ve no idea but I’d start thinking about it as a childish bully. This cannot continue.

workworkwork did your DS say anything about "I dont lose at anything I do"?

@DFOD he was in his room doing nothing. She sent him multiple messages saying
Don't go
Don't go
Don't go
Don't go etc etc

I don't have his words in text, it was all verbal.

@Orgasmagorical he doesn't say a word. He's been miserable all day.
He asked me to take a photo of him with her cake tho and he goes from miserable to 'smile!' then back to miserable.

He’s miserable because he doesn’t want to do what she is insisting on.

He obviously did want to go if she had to tell him don’t multiple times.

It’s almost like she has a gun to his head.

He doesn’t know which way to jump. He is being terrorised by her.

I wouldn’t be doing anything that put him under any further duress because when someone is in a constant state of harassment they can’t think straight or make good considered choices - they just react at the end of their tether and that’s when it’s you that gets blamed because you inadvertently were the last straw.

I would leave him calmly with his choices - express your disappointment at his choice - because him sat inside alone reflecting on how she made him do this and what he is missing and letting down extended family will have more impact than him being stirred up and focusing on a row with you which is a convenient distraction for him to move the focus away from the true source of stress and he will then feed that back to her, fuelling the toxic system.

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope that you can get some sleep, peace and relief.

She and her horrid family are holding your son and all of you hostage now with the threat of what she is likely to do to herself or him if he walks away.

I do wonder what it is she has ultimately threatened. Revenge porn? Threats of destroying his reputation? Saying she didn't consent to sex? I'm sure this has been discussed upthread somewhere, but can you ask him bluntly what it is he is scared of? Can he write it down if he can't say it?

You did the right thing to carry on with your plans as an extended family to celebrate his birthday.

Him not coming and letting everyone down shines the light on him.

You’ve done your part.

He will reflect on this. I wonder if any of the extended family can resurrect it by reaching out - inviting him out for brunch or something over the weekend. I think it’s the friends, school and extended family that should now edge in to get time with him whilst she is out of the picture and you step back from the frontline as it were?

My God, I would have said something like, "So as she has stuck home due to Covid, she can dictate whether you can go or not, with your family who have loved & reared you for the last 16 years. What is this sect you have joined?
Do you think this is normal behaviour.
You are your own person. She can not bully & abuse you. You can do as you think is right, & that includes by the people who you constantly hurt but are there for you & love you unconditionally at home.

God she really is a piece of work. And her parents are no better.

The mothers FB thing with the photos is beyond inappropriate.

I really feel for you. And him. Obviously.

It’s like she has him prisoner.