My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

Just been catching up on the thread as seemed to have dropped off sorry you are still going through this I had hoped they might of fizzled out by now. Now such luck with my dd and her controlling boyfriend either they are still together as well

This thread is so hard to read. I never knew it was possible go hate someone so much when I've never met them!

I feel so sorry for you, OP, but my goodness, my heart is absolutely broken for your son! I don't know how you havent pulled that little bitch aside and threatened to do some serious damage if she keeps hurting your son.....

Fair play to you, you're a better woman than me!

Have you reported her to the police? For coercive control etc. I wouldn't be polite to her, I would threaten her in person (not via text with evidence) and scare the life out of her till she left my boy alone.
I know it is easier said than done but your son sounds scared of her, and if everyone tiptoes around her and doesn't stand up to her, how is he meant to find the strength to?
I am not judging, as my son was in a similar situation, not as bad, and it was so difficult. He lost his apprenticeship as his ex made him stay on facetime to her all night then he would be useless and tired the day after, she told him to argue with us to prove he was on her side, she accused him of hitting her (then admitted she lied), caused him to fall out with his friends etc. When they did split up, she said she was pregnant and told him not to tell anyone (he did tell me, I told her mother, yet another lie... I think she was planning on telling him she had a miscarriage before they had to tell anyone so he would have been even more in her trap out of guilt).
Just a toxic nightmare.

I'm sorry to hear this is still going on. It is awful. How horrible that she demanded that he not celebrate his birthday.

I think that if he continues to capitulate to her and give in time and time again, he will present no 'challenge' to her anymore and she will dump him. She seems to thrive on the drama and if there isn't any?? By the time this happens, will he have his job, friends and life still intact? Or will she have picked them off one by one .

I know it must be very frustrating for you OP, but I would try to do all in your power to make sure he maintains some friendships, work prospects, drivers license (so important in Australia) etc so that when it does eventually end, he has something still.

Contacted the school today, they still haven't spoken to GF as she's been away and they basically forgot about it.
The teacher I spoke with said he has spoken to the other teachers about what happened as part of their procedures but that's as far as they'll will take it.

I tried to explain more of the situation and that we're out of ideas on our end and we were hoping that if the school spoke to her and her parents without us being involved then it's just one thing to show just how much she is overstepping boundaries.
He is going to try and speak to her when she's back but I have a feeling they'll just forget about it as school finishes for the year in 2 weeks.

She's out of isolation tomorrow and DS asked me to run his errands to organise a present for her...not a chance in hell sunshine. Not my responsibility to organise gifts for his abusive (to him and me) GF when he's sitting at home all day.

The school also said there's not much they can do as DS hasn't disclosed to them himself anything that we've been saying.

I am truly grateful for the support everyone here has shown me. It's been so helpful to hear everyone's ideas and also to let me know I'm not just being unreasonable or a 'crazy MIL', but theres not much more to do or say now.
No amount of advice or support is going to change the situation and we feel defeated.
DS clearly needs mental health support which he's refusing and we feel we've exhausted all options.

We're at the point where we nearly want to ask him to move out as it's so hard to watch and as much as we try not to let it, it's affecting the whole family, including his brothers.
We won't of course, we don't want to hurt DS and it plays right into her hands.

I'm also a bit embarrassed that this has gone on for three threads and worried people now see it as attention seeking more than support for me, and it truly does help my own mental health, to have a bit of a whinge yes, but to also get others perspectives.
I'll definitely update when he's finally rid of her, hopefully sooner rather than later!

@workworkworkugh
I’ve followed your threads since the beginning and posted on the first one - you’ve had great advice and I don’t think I can add to that but I didn’t want to say that I don’t think anyone thinks you’re attention seeking. If you can get support and a different perspective here - and sometimes those perspectives will be hard to hear - and it’s useful then keep on posting.

I’m sure there are a lot of people here who would like to hear nothing more than the good news he’s seen the light and they’ll keep cheering you on and supporting you until that happens. So post if it helps, step away if it doesn’t. And keep on keeping on.

Argh. I did want to say not didn’t, that starts to make no sense. Sorry autocorrect snuck in there.

I think you’re doing great is the gist!

Just wanted to say hang in there op. My ds had a birthday yesterday.. World's apart from 2 years ago when he had a very unstable gf... He had a breakdown and admitted he didn't want to be with her...mh team took him away after an incident with a bridge nearly took him from us. He isn't totally himself but acknowledged that she was bad news.. He is still paying off a 5k loan she suggested he got for an engagement party - which I didn't attend...
He isn't unscathed but is free from her and accepts that def needed to happen.
Rooting for your family op...
Take care of you though. It is very draining and you need to be ready for the fireworks at the end.

The school are covering up their mistakes.

This was a major safeguarding breach that they were complicit in. Now it is three breaches.

They have not dealt with it.

“Forgetting” to address it is yet a second failure.

Their claim that your DS has not complained to them directly is irrelevant and totally disingenuous - in any situation reports of abuse or safeguarding concerns are investigated when reported by a witness. You brought this to their attention on numerous occasions they have not investigated - it’s escalated - this is a third breach.

This needs escalating way above these ineffective, out of their depth, covering up (now multiple safeguarding failures at their end) teachers.

You need to bring this to the principal - or the safeguarding lead as two separate reports - one the list of their failures and the other documented list of what has happened over the past 18 months. Tell them if they don’t address their failures you will take it outside of the school to social services or whatever authority oversees schools compliance in Australia.

Don’t let this slide into the abyss. This is an open goal to bring this out of the dark and into another terrain that isn’t you vs her.

I've been following these threads from afar and not once have I thought this is about you wanting attention, @workworkworkugh. You sound like a mum who loves her son and is desperately trying not to lose him to this girl who has made emotional manipulation of him an art form. As for her parents, they are disgusting enabling her abuse of your child.

For ages I've thought no, don't kick him out, but now I think you should. His behaviour over his birthday celebration was appalling, forcing you to cancel last minute. I know you say you think he's got mental health issues, but I think that was just him being a spoiled brat. Everything he does sounds bratty.

I honestly think the time has come to let him go for the sake of YOUR mental health, your DH's and your other DC, for the sake of your marriage and their childhood being destroyed by their older brother. He may come back, he may not. But you've done everything you can and it's still not worked. If you remove yourselves from their drama and cut contact, she'll have nothing to weaponise to keep him doing her bidding. Maybe, just maybe, he might then see the light.

Good luck.

Toxic people have that effect on us - to make us doubt ourselves - our feelings, motivations and intentions.

She is eroding you from a distance and your DS directly and you again through him.

You are not attention seeking - you are desperately trying to hold steady whilst someone constantly rocks the boat of your family. Do you have any outside professional help for your own emotional well-being? Because you need and deserve it for what you are all enduring.

I have been following your thread from the beginning. I haven't posted much, because I simply don't know what I would do in your situation. My thoughts oscillate at every incident. The whole birthday incident was horrible, but it was in a way predictable, as we all knew that she would do everything to ruin it for you all.

Right before the birthday, your DS started recognising her controlling behaviour, and actually verbalised it clearly to you. That seed of recognition in him is there and will be there, if not visible now. You mentioned before that you hadn't been always perfect, but who is? I truly admire your strength, patience and perseverance. You have managed to do this because you really love him. One day he will wake up fully and come back to his former self, and I hope that happens sooner rather than later.

Meanwhile, come and vent whenever you like. We'll be here until your DS comes back.

OP what the school are doing is totally inadequate. This really does need escalating beyond the school's clearly hopeless staff. They had NO authority whatsoever to be involved in emails with the GF, if anything they should have hauled her awful parents in but they should never have engaged with her. This is a safeguarding issue and as so many posters have pointed out, if the genders were reversed there would likely be police or social services involved. None of it is ok, none of it. Your son has been incredibly silly and complicit but the school staff can't do anything about that - they can damn well do something about their own inexcusable betrayal of their duty to him and to you, his parents. It needs to be taken way higher than this school's head, you need to blow them sky high for their collusion with a family who should have a restraining order for their terrible behaviour.

Or you can just sit tight and wait until your boy grows up and sees sense enough to walk away. I know what I'd be doing, and that isn't it.

Could you point out to your son just how weird the mum is? My teens would have been mortified with dozens of photos on Facebook. He may understand the criticism about the mum being creepy? Ask if she has ever made him feel uncomfortable.

I'm so sorry too. And I'm another who has followed all the way through and think you're coping incredibly well. I don't see it as attention seeking either, if you need this thread keep using it. We are all here for you and hoping the eventually he sees sense. He seems to deep down but leaving an abuser isn't as cut and dry as it may seem on the outside. Perhaps as someone has suggested the push of asking him to move out may be the trigger he needs to realise that he needs to step up and take action himself. As hard as it will be you do need to look after yourself and the other DC who are inevitably suffering too. Best of luck and I hope to hear that one day soon it all ends and he finds the strength to get out of her clasp. Hang on in there.

Please keep posting as and when you need to, lots of support for you here.

Absolutely keep posting if you find it helpful. Even if just to know you're not mad and you're not alone.
We're behind you

I’m another who’s been following since the third thread. I’ve never posted as don’t have kids and didn’t think I had much to offer in the way if advice. I would like to say that you’ve handled things incredibly well. You sound like a brilliant mum. Look after yourself and vent anytime

Sorry that was meant to say FIRST thread! I’m in Australia too and I’m just awake :)

I'll been following your threads and haven't thought once you were attention seeking.

Another here who has been silently following since the beginning..I haven't posted because so many people have given very good advice.. I believe you OP and am so sorry your family is going through this...

Another who has been following but I've not commented as the advice you've been getting has been good.
You are not attention seeking at all, never thought this. You are watching the abusive relationship your son is in and trying to help him. I have teens and hope I never have to go through this.

Keep posting, we are with you.

I would have come down hard a long time ago. I know you have been trying to protect DS mental health and not push him away but nothing you have done has worked, if anything things have gotten worse. At this age I would have been kicked out of my home if I’d have put my parents through a fraction of this and I’m certain I would do the same if one of my DCs did what your DS is doing.

I would pack his bags and say “fine, she likes to boast that she always gets what she wants, you can tell her she’s won, she’s destroyed your relationship with your family, you’ve gone from a happy lad with a job, confidence, friends and fantastic opportunitys, to what??? If you can’t see what she’s done to you then there is nothing more we can for you. She wants you all to herself she can have you. You think we don’t love you even though we’ve done our best to protect you and show you it, so now we are done. When your ready to cut that nasty little abusive bitch and her fucked up mother out of your life we will be here. Until then you can leave, our family has been damaged enough, we don’t want any more drama.” I wouldn’t hold back, I’d stop trying to play nice, I would call her and her mother all the names under the sun, you’ve been accused of it anyway so why not. Then I’d cut all contact. It would be hard but as you say you don’t know what else to do.

But that’s me🤷🏼‍♀️

I found this Australian article:

www.bodyandsoul.com.au/sex-relationships/relationships/domestic-violence-10-warning-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/news-story/731d1d079e87573c329e0dc8fd5863ba?utm_source=SEM&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIjNjejYr_8wIVFIBQBh2P5wUkEAMYASAAEgKNHfD_BwE

This part is exactly what your DS is enduring:

Signs of an abusive relationship:

Control is a cornerstone of an abusive relationship.

One sign of control is that the abuser will try and isolate the victim from his/her support system and over time limit contact with family and friends who can provide support. This may even include moving away to a different area.

Showing a partner disrespect – telling lies about the victim to friends and family, belittling, name-calling, withholding information.

Making threats and forcing the victim to comply through fear.

Extreme possessiveness.

A constant assertion of control is a cause for concern.

This may include controlling information that the victim would otherwise be entitled to receive, monitoring their every move as well as text messages and calls, asking for explanations of whereabouts or preventing a partner from getting a job.

Gaslighting – this happens when the abuser distorts the reality and makes the victim doubt their own perception and sanity. This is most often done with the intention of confusing the victim.

Denying the freedom and autonomy of the victim, limiting access to money, imposing extreme budgeting measures, hiding financial resources and information.

Trying to turn the children against the victim and telling them that the victim is a bad parent. (In your specific situation it’s turning your DS against you)

Disregarding boundaries is a cause for concern. Maintaining healthy boundaries is the sign of a healthy relationship and provides a person with the opportunity to maintain his/her individuality. If the behaviour is not within your comfort zone make it known.

Making demands regarding the sexual relationship and forcing a partner to have sex.

Physical aggression may also be threatening looks, aggressive gestures, or destroying property.

Unpredictable mood swings – if one partner has an unreasonable reaction to an otherwise simple disagreement, it is a cause for concern.

Also, if a partner gets withdrawn or extremely angry without reasonable reason.

Ignoring the situation won’t make it go away.

Usually, victims of domestic abuse are unable to leave as they don’t have access to money and they are ashamed as they think they will be judged.

When a victim decides to leave, the perpetrator knows they are losing control and this can be a very dangerous time as they try to repair the relationship and regain control. So have a plan in place that will carry you through. Once a decision is made to leave ensure you get the support of those who can assist you with the plan you have made to leave.
Anne-Marie Cade is a nationally accredited mediator and conflict resolution specialist.

I would look at this list as a template and plot the evidence against it with specific incidents that have happened to your DS. The school need to see this. If they ignore this evidence take it to DSS:

www.dss.gov.au/our-responsibilities/women/programs-services/reducing-violence/help-and-support

My heart breaks for you, it really really does. Everytime you post, your love for your son and your desperation at this horrible situation is so evident

You need to communicate your hurt to your son, not your anger at her, but your hurt at his actions to you and your husband. I understand he is in an abusive relationship, but he is now by proxy being abusive to you, and you don't deserve that. Did you say she was speaking to another boy? Hopefully she'll jump ship soon 🤞