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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
DeireadhFomhair · 27/10/2021 14:03

Mummyratbag had it right above, nothing here will be the right thing to do, so you just need to do whatever you think is right. God almighty, she's awful! I know it's not really possible, but I'd be tempted to take my family (incl. DS1) and leave the country😫

Lasair · 27/10/2021 14:10

Why is DS cross with you? Can you do a surprise thing for him with his mates?

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/10/2021 14:54

@Lasair

Why is DS cross with you? Can you do a surprise thing for him with his mates?
He's probably being hassled night and day by the GF. She might be in isolation but that just gives her more time to mess with his head.
Mix56 · 27/10/2021 15:21

DS is cross with you because he has been getting in the neck from the GF. Cant he accidentally lose his phone? Drop it in a bucket of water, smash screen ?

RainingYetAgain · 27/10/2021 16:15

Why a the school waiting to speak to her when she is back?
Aren't the issues that they responded to her message about him as if she is his parent/carer, and that they are enabling an abusive relationship and failing to protect him?

DFOD · 27/10/2021 18:10

The Mum contacting you is upping the ante.

She is fishing for info or a reaction. Probably the DD writing or dictating the texts.

Drop the rope with her.

Don’t give her the reaction or info she wants.

It’s self serving - she needs your DS as a buffer to keep her DD calm.

A single thumbs up response to anything you can get away with after 24hrs.

Anything else non comital, vague and grey rock, detached.

“Not decided yet”

“Will let you know”

“No thanks”

“No, that doesn’t work for us”

Don’t get drawn into anything with the DM - as when the shit hits the fan with school she will be able to demonstrate that you were actively cooperating and complicit in this abusive relationship - rather than trying to be cold and neutral.

I understand that your DS is highly stressed again because GF (and prob her M&D) are on his back - offer him calm - don’t be heavy with him about the birthday otherwise he is in the middle of a tug of war - maybe get his friends to set something up so that it is led by them and he would look like a dick letting them down not participating and then you and your kids just join them at some point?

This birthday thing is going to escalate for her - DON’T get caught up in her histrionics - so the opposite of Michele Obama here - when she goes high (histrionics) you go low (indifference, cool, not bothered).

Know that your DS knows you have his back, that she is OOO and that he is just stressed in the middle of it. Trust that he will come to through and back to your place of cool and calm.

CoraPirbright · 27/10/2021 18:42

don’t be heavy with him about the birthday otherwise he is in the middle of a tug of war-maybe get his friends to set something up so that it is led by them and he would look like a dick letting them down...

An absolutely genius idea from DFOD

DFOD · 27/10/2021 20:24

Does anyone else visualise the GF as Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The bratty spoilt one with the pathetic appeasing parents?

Maybe it’s the gallows humour but I wondering if she is about to inflate and then burst ….

Lockdownbear · 27/10/2021 21:03

@RainingYetAgain

Why a the school waiting to speak to her when she is back? Aren't the issues that they responded to her message about him as if she is his parent/carer, and that they are enabling an abusive relationship and failing to protect him?
I assume they want words about her putting her nose in someone else's business. And not to interfere
dapsnotplimsolls · 27/10/2021 21:23

And her being rude to his teacher, the one who seems to have her sussed.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 27/10/2021 22:51

@DFOD I fully understand your approach and we have been doing that (mostly), we have had a few times where we've cracked and haven't followed it entirely unfortunately.
But it's also easier said than done sometimes when you're living with it.
We're still aiming for this approach but nothings really changing and shit keeps happening that we're (mainly DH) are sick of holding back.
He's mad at us anyway no matter what we do so he may as well be mad at us for protecting him.

A few things he's said recently and in the past have us thinking that she's convinced him that we don't love him and only do things with him out of obligation.
I'm not sure if I've ever put it here, but telling him we don't really miss/love him and we're only just saying that.
Telling him we favour his brothers over him etc
I think that's part of why he doesn't want to do anything for his bday (besides her probably harassing him), he tells us to just do something with his brothers and not to worry about him, or we don't 'have' to do anything.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 27/10/2021 23:01

She really is a piece of work. Sad
I wish I knew what to say. You are in my thoughts.

DFOD · 27/10/2021 23:48

You are doing your very best here.

It’s triggering, relentless and exhausting.

Know that this is a one-off exceptionally challenging chapter in your life and you need extra emotional support to cope with this extreme situation. It will end.

Being goaded into angry behaviours will just fall into the trap of handing her the bullets to shoot you with - by providing evidence for her narrative that you don’t love him.

That doesn’t mean that you both can’t feel absolute rage at each incident - it just means finding a separate place to process and emotionally discharge it away from your DS.

If your DS is behaving disrespectfully then he does need firm boundaries and clear consequences that are delivered assertively, calmly and consistently. The risk is of aggression and a disproportionate response as you are holding over a years worth of shit.

It’s like someone (GF) is constantly trying to capsize your boat. It’s hard for you to see the progress whilst in the thick of it - it’s astounding that a few months ago he was writing constant crazy love letters to her and now he is opening up to you about her behaviours and actually going out.

I think that the birthday stuff will be a flash point and things may get worse before they get better - because she ain’t going without a grand finale and a few encores.

Deep breaths. Get out of the house for distraction. Proactively put in lots of self care if you can (massage / see friends / exercise etc ) whatever it takes to pull you back from the brink and get you through the next couple of months.

Does your DS leave the school in Dec?

CurzonDax · 28/10/2021 17:12

@workworkworkugh - That's so sad. It must be heartbreaking for you to have him think that you don't care enough about him/favour his brothers :(

Just a suggestion for his birthday (not sure if this would work, or not). If he says that he doesn't want to do anything, inform him that that is absolutely fine - his birthday, his choice. However, the rest of the family do want to celebrate his birthday - it's a celebration for you all to celebrate the day that he came into your lives, and a day that you don't want to forget/will always appreciate, as you always appreciate him. Then tell him that he is more than welcome to join the rest of you, if he wants to, however, you won't stop celebrating him being in your life.

(Hopefully, he will then join in, even if he decides on the day, especially as GF is self-isolating).

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 28/10/2021 22:46

35 photos (incl heaps of them together) and a long gushy post the Mother put up for DS birthday 🙄

OP posts:
DFOD · 29/10/2021 01:03

@workworkworkugh

35 photos (incl heaps of them together) and a long gushy post the Mother put up for DS birthday 🙄
She’s sweating ….
DFOD · 29/10/2021 01:04

How does he feel about that?

He must be mortified.

Lockdownbear · 29/10/2021 07:22

Trying to think how you respond to that. His pals are likely to wind him up about it. So yes really embarrassing.

I really witty one liner would be good. Joke about him being your precious first born. Thinking on how you respond to the nonsense that you don't love him, it think all you can do is to keep affirming that you love your 3 kids equally.

She is such a nasty piece of work, he will need counselling when this is over, but it will end.

Lasair · 29/10/2021 07:29

Happy birthday to your boy I hope you get a glimmer of your old son

DFOD · 29/10/2021 08:06

When you say “heaps of them together” - do you mean her mother and your DS?

Again suspect it’s a deliberate attempt to agitate and the GF is behind it all as a deliberate attempt to claim him - so possessive, territorial and weird.

Honestly this is so unhinged, bizarre and creepy - let others comment to him rather than you as that will have more impact.

I hope that you get some precious moments with you DS and know deep down he feels your love and is just parroting her words - he also knows that the experience he is with her where he is belittled, harassed and controlled 24/7 is intense but is not love. I hope he gets out to the party she can’t be at.

Beefcurtains79 · 29/10/2021 08:29

The mother posted 35 photos of your son on her Facebook? Including loads of just the 2 of them? What a utter, creepy weirdo she is! I can see where her psycho daughter gets it from.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 29/10/2021 08:56

About 10 of the mother and DS together, including some of them posing (with GF as well) in the mirror sticking their bums out and pouting.
You know, because she's so fun and cool and he's her 'partner in crime' and they 'laugh until they cry' together and have car rides and d&m's together (yes I'm jealous Sad)

Anyway, he's refused at the last minute to come for dinner as she's got mad at him as she was going to take him out for dinner and we've 'taken over her plans' apparently. Not anyone's fault she's in quarantine.

I also heard her laughing and then getting mad at the presents we bought him and then crying at him.

We don't want to leave him alone on his birthday, so we're staying home but he's gone for a walk.

I fucking hate her.

OP posts:
BlackAlys · 29/10/2021 08:56

Incredibly unhealthy - 35 pics and gushing text? If it's the daughter, then she's being predictably possessive and posting her 'territory'.

But is it the Mum, @workworkworkugh? If so, not only do I think it's utterly inappropriate, but I'm starting to wonder if there's a second power play at work here between (her) Mum and Daughter. Unless the whole thing is orchestrated by the daughter of course. But if Mum is posting it all - bloody hell - that's completely weird and wrong on all levels. Either way, the whole unit are to be avoided.

Hope you're ok. Haven't posted much because the whole situation is so real and rather frightening for a parent. No matter how you handle it, it's so fragile Thanks

BlackAlys · 29/10/2021 08:57

Sorry - cross posted (bizarre though us hitting 'post' at the same time with us on opposite ends of the world to one another). Will read your post now.

BlackAlys · 29/10/2021 09:02

@workworkworkugh I 100%understand. How fucking poisonous are they to do this. How awful.

This girl has either spun such lies painting you as the awful parents or, and I hate myself for suggesting this, but he has demonised you and your family to them, and this latest posting is a 'fuck you, we love him even if you don't' Sad.

I think I'd probably break at this point and sob - it's so fucking hurtful - and if your son hears it, then let's hope it'll prick his conscience.

Probably not good advice, but I feel your pain in your post Sad