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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
DeireadhFomhair · 24/10/2021 11:25

I know it's awful for you all to live through, but I think this might be the light at the end of the tunnel. Flowers for you, for being so strong.

dapsnotplimsolls · 24/10/2021 11:38

Fingers crossed that this is the beginning of the end. I agree that you shouldn't contact her parents, it just adds fuel to her fire.

VimFuego101 · 24/10/2021 11:45

Hopefully the 2 week break helps your son see how much calmer things are without her around. There's no way a negative test would be able to get her out of isolation early, is there? (Not sure of the rules there).

CruCru · 24/10/2021 12:17

The parents are horrors. If he breaks up with her, they may ramp up their mental-ness for a bit

Eralos · 24/10/2021 12:26

You poor thing op. This sounds exhausting.

wizzywig · 24/10/2021 12:30

It's as if she is taking all of his energy, hope, life and excelling. Leaving him to be an empty shell.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 24/10/2021 12:33

I would be contacting her parents and asking them not to become involved as it's adding to your DS's mental health issues and you will be holding them accountable.
I hope your DS does see the light - all you can do is to continue to offer your love and support should he finish with her. I would be doing anything to enable him to do this.

overthethamesfromyou · 24/10/2021 12:34

There is barely anything in the world that is improved by Covid, but I wouldn't blame you for saying 'Thank god for Covid'. Let's hope it gives him a breather and time to talk and reconnect with his mates.

DFOD · 24/10/2021 15:22

You’re in the homeward stretch congratulations. Be patient and calm it might take some time and to-ing and fro-ing. Expect some fireworks - maybe a manipulative suicide threat from her ….. he needs to be prepared how to handle this - that he informs and adult / authorities ASAP - because if it’s a hoax she will be shamed - if it isn’t she will be helped.

Everything on your list means he is almost out the door - he knows everything cognitively - but this bit means there is still some emotional disconnection to complete:

“ DS is mad at her for accusing him. Like really mad.
He offered to speak to her friends to clarify but she threatened to dump him if he spoke to them.”

He now needs to learn to not be triggered by her to go running around after the dramas and histrionics she sets up - it’s now home for him to learn not to put his energy into this toxic system and to drop the rope.

I would be encouraging him to ignore / delete / block the flying monkey Dad - he is only self serving - he needs your son as a buffer because Miss Histrionic is coming back to him soon.

I would encourage him to give himself permission to turn of his phone to give her firm boundaries.

Don’t be too hard on him for not seeing it sooner, for being terrified within it, for being scared and unclear how to get out - not many people end up so entangled with such controlling and manipulative people - they are rare - he was unlucky to have got ensnared. But thanks to your calm and considered constant unconditional love he has been attracted back.

It’s not “if” it’s “when” - just think that it will all be resolved by NYE! Concede the birthday she will be all out to win that now - pick your battles and win the war.

DFOD · 24/10/2021 15:25

I would also encourage him to be v careful what he puts in writing to her as she could use anything against him - and he should keep all of her texts if he needs to demonstrate abuse / harassment at any point.

Monsterpumpkins · 24/10/2021 15:27

A few days of a normal life may have your ds wanting more....
College must be thinking wtaf!

YourWinter · 24/10/2021 22:16

I agree with DFOD that the school's inexcusable behaviour (in engaging with the GF by email) has to be taken to the highest level as a formal complaint. There is nothing they can use to justify doing so - what a terrible demonstration of negligence, and betrayal of their duty to your DS, and yourselves as his parents.

I wouldn't be surprised if the GF threatens self-harm, or indeed actually tries some kind of similar stunt to punish your DS. He has to know it is NOT his fault, she is unhinged and he isn't the one who should be tasked with fixing her. Only she can do that, with professional help when she's able to engage with someone trained to help her grow beyond the poisonous little witch she is right now.

JacquelineCarlyle · 24/10/2021 22:26

Been following your threads for a long time now Op - no advice but still wishing you all the very best and admiring your resilience, patience and strength to keep going through this. Sounds like there's a chink of light at the end of the tunnel - here's hoping it comes soon.

TheMamaYo · 25/10/2021 10:30

There’s a LOT of pressure on your boy from her, the mum and the dad. And I honestly think the parents will try to hang on to your son by any means possible, because as long as he is in the picture, they don’t have to deal with her shit nearly as much as when he is not. That is so goddamn unhealthy, it’s no wonder she hasn’t got any boundaries.

I hope he enjoys these two weeks so much, he’ll never look back. Can’t his phone accidentally break or get lost for a few days? 😄

itsgettingwierd · 25/10/2021 10:53

That's so scary that she's actually convinced she has some authority to act on his behalf at school.

Even scarier the school didn't even bat an eyelid and actually responded Shock

But her parents are so complicit in the abuse. "Just let her clam down and she'll be fine"

How about telling her she cannot treat people that way and expect them to continue wanting to be part of her life.

But also worrying that your ds is willing to speak to GF friends to prove he isn't doing anything wrong. However much he's beginning to see the light re the GF he still cannot move away from feeling a responsibility to Pacify her.

DFOD · 25/10/2021 15:11

The advice from all DV agencies is that the highest risk is when someone leaves a relationship. He needs to know this, the school need to know this - it may not be physical violence in this case but she is likely to up the ante on her spitefulness / vengefulness - she is doing this already. He is likely to get hurt or implicated into something nasty. He needs to be prepared and protected.

Orgasmagorical · 25/10/2021 17:15

@DFOD

The advice from all DV agencies is that the highest risk is when someone leaves a relationship. He needs to know this, the school need to know this - it may not be physical violence in this case but she is likely to up the ante on her spitefulness / vengefulness - she is doing this already. He is likely to get hurt or implicated into something nasty. He needs to be prepared and protected.
This. I think it's very important that it's reiterated to the school at every opportunity that it is an abusive relationship.

I'm hoping that she will carry out her threat and end things with him so that she still feels she has control over that. I'm also hoping (not for his sake, obviously, as it won't go well for him) that this other boy she was going to give DS's presents to actually exists and that she will move onto him, then DS should have a little more breathing space.

LittleLadyCece · 25/10/2021 18:16

It looks as though there could finally be some light at the end of the tunnel. I've been following your story from the beginning and my god how you've made it this far I don't know. That girl is absolutely bat sh!t crazy. Please do keep us updated. I'm really hoping your son finally sees the light and kicks her to the curb.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2021 10:10

So, what would she do if he spoke to these friends of hers? Dump him? But she keeps threatening that but not following through. So make her follow through. And if she doesn't dump him, maybe he'll dump her because he's tired of being treated like this with threats of being dumped but she never follows through.

Your DS should tell her Dad that he said those things to him 8 months ago but nothing has changed. "Well Sir, you said that to me 8 months ago but nothing has changed as far as I can see. What are you going to do different this time so that it does change?" ...see, politely asking a question. Not being rude or anything.

Lockdownbear · 26/10/2021 13:26

OMG Op I can't believe she contacted his school.

I can only imagine they dropped the ball by not realising the email was from his gf and not you.

Fingers crossed two weeks away from her will give him the space he desperatly needs to see the light beyond her.

Growuppeople · 27/10/2021 00:05

This whole thing is mental! One thing I don’t get.. why can’t she do something for DS one day and you do yours the next? Why are you fighting over one day? I always go out for my birthday meal at the weekend no matter what day it lands on just thinking maybe pick your battles? 🤷‍♀️

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/10/2021 01:13

Thank god for covid eh Wink

I hope more than anything this is it for your son, I hope he has an absolutely wonderful two weeks and gets a taste for what life is like without her

Ophanim · 27/10/2021 01:16

Ah op, I’ve followed your posts from the beginning. I’d love to ply you with a drink of your choice and give you a hug. I have a son a similar age and I admire your strength to still be standing.

workworkworkugh · 27/10/2021 02:36

We can do something on separate days, we were never going to push the issue, just thought he would like to have everyone (mates, gf etc) together.
Plus she wouldn't want him to spend a day with us anyway no matter which day it was.
I was also trying to put in a last ditch effort to be nice and include her.

The other boy does exist, DS knows him. This isn't the first time she's used other boys to hurt him.

The email to the school came from her school account (same school) and had 'Student' as her signature. Still could have been overlooked I guess.
We're still following this up.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 27/10/2021 03:11

I'm gob smacked, what on earth were they thinking?
I could see the error if it had been sent from a Hotmail account or something external. Shock