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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Orgasmagorical · 10/10/2021 10:44

Although there's nothing possible about her lying, it's a definite, but at least he's starting to see/admit that she does.

LookMoreCloselier · 10/10/2021 11:55

Just read through ops posts as followed along earlier. As horrid a thought as this is, I imagine the sex is what is making your ds stick around, those teenage hormones are a force to be reckoned with, that will change, he will grow up and see her for what she is. Regarding the birthday messages, you did well to stay calm. So it's understandable they might want to go out and play grown up on his birthday, I'd say that's fine but the following day we are doing the firepit thing, compromise and be the reasonable one, make her look as unreasonable as she is. When she says poisonous things ĺike he doesn't like you anymore call her out on it, with 'what a nasty, untrue thing to say'. Remind them that you love your son unconditionally yet her love seems to come with an awful lot of conditions.

DFOD · 10/10/2021 12:01

[quote workworkworkugh]@DFOD DH and I have talked about this a lot, just to be prepared.

He may be relieved and this is the outcome we can hope for.
Knowing our son, and we hope it doesn't go this way (worst case scenario), he will be depressed, possibly suicidal/self harming and could possibly go into self destruct mode.[/quote]
That’s a very dark and painful potential prospect for you both to carry. I imagine that the largest part of your distress is about his fragile MH. I don’t know if he is accessing MH support services directly and if not (or even if he is) are you able to get expert advice as to how best manage his vulnerability if his MH declined further rapidly. This is heartbreaking.

rolyisntittimefor · 14/10/2021 19:05

How's it going OP? Has the birthday been and gone? X

Eralos · 14/10/2021 19:30

Why do you plan anything for him anymore? He’s seen the messages and he’s still defending her?? He’s just as much the problem now. My husband would never let me speak about his mum that way and I would never let him speak about my family that way. Neither of us would as it’s cruel.

QueenBee52 · 14/10/2021 22:14

I'm so sorry.. I feel sick to my stomach reading this OP... I'm so so sorry

Changechangychange · 15/10/2021 02:34

He’s just as much the problem now

He’s been the problem for a while - since him and the GF were discussing in detail how to murder the rest of his family so they could be together forever.

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 15/10/2021 02:59

@Changechangychange that's not what happened at all

DS had no part in the conversation for starters.
You've completely exaggerated that whole particular conversation/message.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 15/10/2021 03:15

@Changechangychange

He’s just as much the problem now

He’s been the problem for a while - since him and the GF were discussing in detail how to murder the rest of his family so they could be together forever.

wow Nooooooo he didn't ... that's incorrect 😱

Changechangychange · 15/10/2021 10:18

At the point the girlfriend is discussing having him murder you, any decent son would have cut off contact with her. But he didn’t, he thought that was fine. It was you who had to scurry around trying to win him back to his family.

Changechangychange · 15/10/2021 10:38

@QueenBee52 the police were involved. I think it was thread 1, possibly early thread 2. At no point did OP’s son even fall out with the girlfriend over it, in fact he moved out to be with her around that time.

Which would cross a line for me. If OP is fine with it, obviously it’s her son and her relationship so up to her how she wants to manage it. But his behaviour towards OP has been absolutely appalling for a while now, it is not solely the girlfriend.

Orgasmagorical · 15/10/2021 13:00

But his behaviour towards OP has been absolutely appalling for a while now, it is not solely the girlfriend.

He is in an abusive relationship, he is extremely manipulated by the GF. That's how it works.

QueenBee52 · 15/10/2021 13:15

[quote Changechangychange]@QueenBee52 the police were involved. I think it was thread 1, possibly early thread 2. At no point did OP’s son even fall out with the girlfriend over it, in fact he moved out to be with her around that time.

you are changing @workworkworkugh's narrative.. I have followed OP from her first Post...

Het Son was NOT involved in the girlfriend's texts about him being better off without his Mother.. he did not respond...

you are being very cruel to suggest this

QueenBee52 · 15/10/2021 13:16

@Orgasmagorical

But his behaviour towards OP has been absolutely appalling for a while now, it is not solely the girlfriend.

He is in an abusive relationship, he is extremely manipulated by the GF. That's how it works.

correct

Eralos · 15/10/2021 13:18

Yeah you’re right I said he was the problem but it’s the abuse that’s controlling him. Op I feel for you so much. I really hope he sees the light soon.

Dasher789 · 15/10/2021 15:16

Wow, I cant believe DS can't see those messages the way the rest of us can. Sorry your still going through this op

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 15/10/2021 21:24

We know that DS isn't perfect and his behaviour and the way he treats us is often shit. We know it's not all her.
I am disappointed and hurt that he sees those types of messages and still runs after her.

I think he can actually see the messages the way we see them but is too scared to do anything about it.

It was scary to see how quickly she jumped to threats of killing herself as she thought she wasn't getting her own way and if she needs to resort things like that to keep DS under her control then he's clearly going to be shit scared to ever end the relationship.

She's threatened him with similar before so of course he'd be scared if he dumped her that she might actually do something and he wouldn't be able to live with that (even though we all know it wouldn't be his responsibility).

OP posts:

TheWitchCirce · 16/10/2021 06:46

I've followed this thread for quite some time and I can't remember if anyone has suggested watching this?
www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend
Might be on youtube if you can't access this in Australia - a documentary called 'abused by my girlfriend'

ALooseSeal · 18/10/2021 11:07

Not helpful, but my blood was boiling for you, reading those texts - I don't know how you've kept your cool at all tbh.

TheMamaYo · 18/10/2021 15:15

Goodness me. You were so polite. I think she’d have gotten a complete different reaction from
most other people. I hope your son lose the blinkers soon, OP. That must be so hard to live with.

FilthyforFirth · 18/10/2021 16:41

Also followed from the beginning. I actually think I would cut him loose at this point, hard as that sounds. At the end of the dsy people have to want to leave abusive relationships. I think he has treated you so appalling that for me there would be no more until she was out of the picture and he was extremely remorseful.

As it has been so long now and nothing has really changed has it?

Notimeforaname · 19/10/2021 00:59

Thinking of you op. Hoping things are at least calm

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 19/10/2021 10:00

And now she's taken to emailing DS school and his teachers

DS had already emailed and spoken to the right people about what it was regarding. We don't step in as 1) he doesn't like us to and 2) we trust he has it sorted.

I won't share the whole email, but here's just a small snippet:
"I can provide you with any information you need but we need to get this sorted asap"

Jesus, this girl is nuts.
I don't know if DS even cares or if he does and just hides it well from us.
The school knows of our concerns but not sure if they are seeing the red flags like we do.
The teacher that she emailed, responded to DS but cc'd in the GF 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 19/10/2021 10:09

OP, with all respect,I’d be going nuts at the school and the teacher who cc’d the girlfriend.
I’d get to school and speak to them without informing your DS.
Who is she to interfere at his school? Would they allow any information to anybody who’d email them about your son?

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 19/10/2021 10:15

@FrenchBoule
I should have added that we have emailed the school with our concerns and let it be known we are not happy

OP posts:

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