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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
dapsnotplimsolls · 09/10/2021 00:15

It sounds like you're a handy scapegoat for several people in this situation.

MilesOfSand · 09/10/2021 03:49

I think you can tell him you’ve blocked her as, as much as you support him, you don’t need to allow someone to be abusive towards you. Then leave it at that.

Aussiegirl88 · 09/10/2021 06:30

Hey lovely (fellow Aussie mum here)
I would like to offer you some support should you ever need to vent to anyone without the kick back of others on here. I understand when you say your hands are tied as our laws here ultimately prevent us from doing anything and it's beyond our control, so absolutely no judgement here. I have a 15 year old daughter and I would be mortified if she was like this over a boy! Likewise If my son was ever put in those position, this is very much a relationship well beyond their years and anyone who thinks this will last by the time they hit 18 let alone another 12 months. We know that in hindsight they will eventually wake up to themselves however everything they think and feel right now they think it's forever, we all no different. The thought of how much your son has already sacrificed is nauseating and I'm not even his mother. My DH sounds very much like yours. I'm more than happy if you need to vent I can give you my Facebook, number ie whatever your preference is if you want. I think we could learn alot from each other considering my daughter is the same age with a laundry list of her own bullshit. Would be nice to talk and listen to someone on tbat same level. It's particularly hard when you've got people on here from a different country giving advice they have no idea on, particularly our culture and our laws. Ive only read about 10 months of your life en in one day so perhaps I relate more because I feel I know you, but I can tell you it may seem a lifetime but this will be over, I don't know how much destruction will be left but either the moment she gets her licence, hits 18 etc, once she gets her own freedom, which is why I would continue he get his licence his own job etc because she won't give a second thought about dropping him and he'll be left wondering why he ever gave up so much. From your latest updates I couldn't tell if he was still playing footy, which I hope he is! He's given so much of his identity for this girl and I know everything there is to know about girls Luke this one. Although our teens we wouldn't dare speak to our friends, bf's or gf's parents like that! I'm in my early 30s. Your doing a great job, you qnd your husband. I understand the need to keep the normal routine for the sake of your younger children were in the same place, my teen has become horrible (we've recently found out some truths which has broken us) but I can't get her to see the light and the more they you try and help the more damage is done. I cannot be a grandmother at the age of 33 and the way she is going I can't say that won't happen.shes run away and we called the cops and basically they told us "she's a teen girl without a phone she won't last 24 hours, they told me to call back tomorrow" cops won't stop them from leaving

Mummyratbag · 09/10/2021 09:20

@workworkworkugh I promise it was admiration that you remain calm, not judgement. You are doing a fantastic job. You will hear the cheer from the other side of the world (by most of MN) when this is all over for you!

hardboiledeggs · 09/10/2021 09:28

I’ve been reading this since the start. Honestly I commend you and your DH on how you are coping. I think sadly it’s time to leave your DS to do what he wants and let him make his own mistakes. He’s not listening to you and the more you try the more he will ignore. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. She’s a nasty little bitch.

workworkworkugh · 09/10/2021 09:53

[quote Mummyratbag]@workworkworkugh I promise it was admiration that you remain calm, not judgement. You are doing a fantastic job. You will hear the cheer from the other side of the world (by most of MN) when this is all over for you![/quote]
Oh I knew it wasn't a judgement 😊

Just don't want everyone on this thread to think I'm some super calm, zen, peace & love Mum at the moment haha

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 09/10/2021 09:57

I think you are doing great.

Those texts shown that you are in a no win situation (those and your ds reaction to them) and that must be so frustrating. It actually feels from this side of the screen as if she is not only abusing your son but also you.

I don't think it would harm right now allowing your dh to take control. Allowing him to show her for what she is because she hasn't (yet) made a narrative about him she's trying to manipulate the truth to show.

Glad you blocked her. But be aware this will infuriate her because she's now lost control of you.

Mummyratbag · 09/10/2021 10:03

@workworkworkugh you'd have to be some sort of saint to be zen in the face of this little madam. Sending peaceful thoughts all the same!

puddlebubble · 09/10/2021 10:49

I have read all your threads OP and I am completely on your side and backing you … however when I read the first of the messages you posted I assumed that the blue writing was her but then ~ I realised it was you. There is not anything inherently wrong with what you wrote but it is very passive aggressive (and I don’t blame you) - ‘what are you getting and you of course’. Why that is an issue is she is being treated like an adult, she is 16, she is being given way more respect than she has earned; nobody is saying to him this is absolutely all sorts of wrong. You should not be engaging with a 16 year old (outsider) ever.

He has to make his own mistakes but I would wholeheartedly be explaining to him in less than endearing terms what love can look like in a disguise and what real love is. Not for a millisecond would I even engage with this crap from a disturbed teenager.

You definitely send that to her parents, you then go to your child and you now aggressively speak to him about his self worth. He is a dog in a 40m well and you have to pull him out using your teeth. Stop telling him everything. Don't engage, send that to her parents, don't ask him. In the future he will say thanks mam/dad for the wakeup call. Put the boundaries down, it is your last chance.

pommepommefrites · 09/10/2021 11:01

The gf needs to go for a picnic at hanging rock, but at this point I'd probably send my son into the dreaming too. Thinking of you, op.

DFOD · 10/10/2021 03:27

I hope that you are still accessing professional support to help you through this extremely challenging period in your life and that you are also able to proactively put in lots of practical self care to keep you balanced, emotionally and physically resourced, self regulated and coping - in acknowledgment that this is what you need right now in this highly irregular and unusual situation that you are in right now.

This dysfunctional family and their disordered daughter are currently wreaking havoc and distress on all your lives.

It’s all very enmeshed and emotionally charged - because that’s what these toxic people do - spread their drama through a series of people, goading to trigger conflict so that they can divide and conquer and gain more control in the fallout.

To this insecure / unstable girl, you (as his mother) are a huge imagined threat to her deep dysfunctional attachment with your son and she is compelled to agitate to alienate and annihilate you.

Her method is to harass you enough so that under extreme stress you flip out at your DS and prove her right and he goes running to her. This is a text book abuser isolation tactic. Know the game. Don’t take the bait.

The answer lies in putting on your own oxygen mask first, because you need huge emotional resources and defences when dealing with these high conflict personalities types and to then focus solely on protecting your family whilst
knowing that this is temporary and will end.

Detach from her. Block calmly if you need to.

Take her power away - which is to whip you all up into anger and distress - by detaching, anticipating and not reacting to or engaging with her antics. Of course you will feel rage when she pulls another stunt or when your DS kicks off - but express and process that out of sight of them both and only then when you have stopped reverberating calmly decide on your action - ignoring her or a grey rock non committal response if that is less risk - and calm assertive boundaried words, consequences and actions to your DS when he behaves badly.

Ignore as much as you can, be indifferent to the nonsense and very calmly be assertive (not blowing up / letting rip as he experiences enough heightened emotions with her already) and boundaried / stern with your son when needed. Show him how to communicate calmly, respectfully and constructively by de-escalating during flash points - lowering the tone and tension so that you are heard.

The way through is by being calm and boundaried with your own DS. Focus entirely on him. Do not get distracted by her antics and do not get involved with her parents. They are not emotionally healthy and are self serving. Anything you do with them will back fire.

I do think it is dissolving but that may not be a straight line - but try to have faith that you will all come through this. I hope that he had a good time with his friends - that’s a huge step forward in the right direction. Take strength from that. Take care of yourself first.

LabStan · 10/10/2021 04:45

You do amazingly well to keep your cool, despite the hatred and abuse!!!

One day he will wake and realise how badly he has treated you. My DB treated my mum in the same way....unfortunately they married for 18 years. DB 'Woke' one day...divorced and went on to have an amazing relationship with our mum.
Just unfortunate that we all had to endure years if abuse from them both.

workworkworkugh · 10/10/2021 07:35

He didn't end up seeing his friends.
He said she just says things on purpose to hurt people (what she said to me, and she's done it to him many a time)

But he's still going there to stay for probably the week, as she's at her Mums. Even though she has school and DS is choosing not to attend any further (another story 😩)

He said he doesn't know what she's told her parents (about the other night) and he never will know as she won't tell him and could possibly lie.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 10/10/2021 08:49

So she's working 4 jobs and has school.
Meanwhile he's doing absolutely nothing no job, no school, yet her mum is happy for him to hang out at her house all week?

DFOD · 10/10/2021 09:03

@workworkworkugh

He didn't end up seeing his friends. He said she just says things on purpose to hurt people (what she said to me, and she's done it to him many a time)

But he's still going there to stay for probably the week, as she's at her Mums. Even though she has school and DS is choosing not to attend any further (another story 😩)

He said he doesn't know what she's told her parents (about the other night) and he never will know as she won't tell him and could possibly lie.

Did he not see his friends because she withdrew her permission?

It’s v odd as PP says that he is there whilst she is at school and working? What’s so attractive about that house? Is he waited on hand and foot and allowed to do anything / nothing? Is he able to “hide” from himself and be in denial and not be accountable? Is he running from scrutiny / pressure from you and his DF (that’s not a criticism of you by the way) - just trying to understand his motivations.

When is his birthday and how are you planning to play it with respect to celebrating with family and friends?

Mooloolabababy · 10/10/2021 09:03

So what would happen if you said he couldn't sleep over there anymore? Would he just go anyway?

workworkworkugh · 10/10/2021 09:28

She's still remote learning from home. He apparently helps her.
He comes home while she's working.

We've asked what do her parents think that their daughter is trying to get ahead and her bf is just sitting around, no job, no school etc
Of course he said her parents don't care. But we don't know what lies have been told (from both GF and DS).

He has 6 weeks left of the school year and he doesn't want to return, we're supportive of him leaving and getting a job or he needs to finish out the year and get a pass. He just needs to make up his mind.
There's a bit more to it, especially regarding his mental health.

We are positive that she would be making it hard for him to leave school as she barely has any friends left and she'll say things on purpose to hurt him if he's not there with her.

OP posts:
samanthaone · 10/10/2021 09:40

Wow if my teen sent those messages i would be livid. But ignore her - i would be focussing all efforts on getting him back at school and work.

DFOD · 10/10/2021 09:46

“We are positive that she would be making it hard for him to leave school as she barely has any friends left and she'll say things on purpose to hurt him if he's not there with her.”

Maybe subconsciously he’s leaving school as a way to get away from her / find some space day to day?

Lockdownbear · 10/10/2021 09:47

Him leaving school and getting a job would certainly break the hold she has over him.

I just can't get why he's so keen on her when she is so abusive to him if that makes sense.

DFOD · 10/10/2021 09:50

How do you think he would be if she dumped him? Do you think he would be devastated or secretly relieved as he does have the capacity (due to coercive control / fear) to do it himself?

He is telling you lots of stuff that she does that is bad and he knows is bad - that’s quite an important step in the right direction.

workworkworkugh · 10/10/2021 09:55

@DFOD DH and I have talked about this a lot, just to be prepared.

He may be relieved and this is the outcome we can hope for.
Knowing our son, and we hope it doesn't go this way (worst case scenario), he will be depressed, possibly suicidal/self harming and could possibly go into self destruct mode.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 10/10/2021 09:58

@Lockdownbear

Him leaving school and getting a job would certainly break the hold she has over him.

I just can't get why he's so keen on her when she is so abusive to him if that makes sense.

She's the only one who really understands him, apparently.
FelicityPike · 10/10/2021 10:06

I can’t believe this is still going. You’re so strong (on here at least) Flowers

Orgasmagorical · 10/10/2021 10:43

He said he doesn't know what she's told her parents (about the other night) and he never will know as she won't tell him and could possibly lie.

Was it he who said she could possibly lie? If so that is a good bit of progress.