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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
itsgettingwierd · 11/09/2021 13:31

@Marni83

Op He’s living a good life in his life It serves him to perpetuate the idea that he is being controlled

I doubt it is even a fraction as bad as he has made out

You no longer have your 16 year old DS living with you. I would be devastated in your shoes. And you are. But I think you’re looking for reasons why.

When in reality… it’s a lazy 16 year old boy who is kind of enjoying have no responsibility and being waiting on hand and foot by his girlfriends mother, playing computer games with his mates and no doubt having lots of sex!

Where are you getting all this from?

Have you read any of the OPs 3 threads?

He is being emotionally abused by this girl who is being facilitated by her mum because it's easier for mum to have her dd abusing someone other than her.

If a woman or girl were suffering like OPs ds everyone would be screaming abuse and more.

Your posts come across as extremely combative.

And actually it's evident you haven't read the 3 threads or you would have known months ago like the rest of us she's in Oz!

Justilou1 · 13/09/2021 13:14

Anything’s a palace compared to a prison

Georgewontsleepnow · 13/09/2021 15:05

The sooner you stop paying for private school (with her!) the better. The casual and calm approach I think is good, hopefully will lead him to his own conclusions about her. But he needs no money, taxi-ing and extra cake from you guys until he lives at home and behaves like a son. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. And I'd have been horrified and broken at the gf's death messages.

Hugoslavia · 14/09/2021 22:34

Re his birthday I would have kept my cool and responded politely to her text (where she is telling you that she is doing something with him for his birthday) by telling her that you and your family had really hoped to also do something with your son on his birthday and ask if you can both come to an agreement to accommodate both of your plans. I don't expect that she would do, but if you are polite but challenge her, then the more that she resists, the more unreasonable she will look.

QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 01:26

@Hugoslavia

Re his birthday I would have kept my cool and responded politely to her text (where she is telling you that she is doing something with him for his birthday) by telling her that you and your family had really hoped to also do something with your son on his birthday and ask if you can both come to an agreement to accommodate both of your plans. I don't expect that she would do, but if you are polite but challenge her, then the more that she resists, the more unreasonable she will look.

Have you read OP's History on previous Thread with this teenage girl..

She cannot engage on any level.. and she is correct not to do so ..

Hugoslavia · 15/09/2021 22:30

@QueenBee52

Yes, I have read it all and been following from the start. And she can engage as clearly the girl texts her. I don't expect for a minute that she would be prepared to compromise. It's just more a case of appearing reasonable and her appearing more and more unreasonable.

QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 20:31

[quote Hugoslavia]@QueenBee52

Yes, I have read it all and been following from the start. And she can engage as clearly the girl texts her. I don't expect for a minute that she would be prepared to compromise. It's just more a case of appearing reasonable and her appearing more and more unreasonable.[/quote]

OP is doing the right thing by not engaging..

Cookiedough123 · 29/09/2021 09:55

Any update OP

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 29/09/2021 12:46

@Cookiedough123 same same really.

She recently messaged my Mum (who GF ignores if she ever sees her out in public even tho they've met and spoken before) asking her to give details about a job.
She wants to apply for a fourth job.
Even after her getting mad at DS for picking up extra hours back when he was working.
(My mum didn't answer for a few hours so GF deleted it)

She offered to buy DS alcohol to take to his friends house when he went (only seen them twice)
I asked DS why she seems to want to buy everything for him and in his words he said "I don't know Mum, probably so then I'll owe her"

He had a little whinge about her that same day so we know he can see parts of her behaviour but still not holding our breath that anything will change.
He said that she was the only one at the time that got his mental health issues (when they started going out) and I sometimes wonder if that's what's keeping him there, like he thinks he owes her.
I did comment that if she's also been the one to mess with his mental health the most, he seemed to understand.

So nothings changed. Just keeping quiet until one day I can come back to say it's over!

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 29/09/2021 12:56

He said that she was the only one at the time that got his mental health issues (when they started going out)
I've no doubt she pretended to get it and is probably now using it to keep his self esteem down. They'll latch on to anything they see as a weakness and store it up for later use.

That's good if he is starting to see more red flags for himself but until he has some time away from her she'll be keeping his head too busy for him to think clearly.

Keep on keeping on, workworkwork, hopefully it'll come soon.

Cookiedough123 · 29/09/2021 21:53

I'm suprised they are still going. I've been following your updates since the first thread! I do think one day he will see right through her. Hopefully as things start to open up again he will start to see his friends and realise what she's doing!

Justkeepleft · 30/09/2021 10:48

That us great she is working all those jobs, he has space away from her.

DFOD · 30/09/2021 11:24

There are little chinks of light which are illuminating all little bits of the picture which he is starting to put together.

Sounds like he has awareness of his own emotional well-being …. that his MH made him vulnerable in this relationship - and he if he is able to see that now then his perspective has shifted.

I wonder why she is working 4 jobs - maybe subconsciously she needs to get some air and away from the intensity (she created) …, hopefully the beginning of the end.

Good that he is seeing his friends - that’s a huge step forward in abusive relationships where a person has been isolated.

Your relationship with him is much better than you realise - he is opening up to you - that means he feels safe and trusts you if he is able to voice negative comments about her. Just let it all come from him. You should be proud how you have handled this situation - calmly, considered, and always encouraging him to be part of bright healthy connections amongst family and friends.

Orgasmagorical · 30/09/2021 11:53

There is also the chance that with her working at all these jobs she'll find a new victim (which is always how this works, sadly). We can but hope.

Slayduggee · 30/09/2021 21:23

Fingers crossed that with working 4 jobs that she finds a new victim to get her claws into. Hopefully it will be soon and then you can start to rebuild your DS.

QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 02:52

@Slayduggee

Fingers crossed that with working 4 jobs that she finds a new victim to get her claws into. Hopefully it will be soon and then you can start to rebuild your DS.

agreed ...

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/10/2021 03:04

Hopefully. I genuinely think that DS thinks that she's the only one who will ever understand him.
On one hand, with all these jobs, she's clearly ambitious and I thought that might rub off on DS, he doesn't mind her having all these jobs but I think it's opened his eyes to her hypocrisy.

Forgot to mention that last week he said no to her for nearly the first time, that's what started his little rant.
She asked him to go see her late at night but he wasn't expecting to so said no as he was playing Xbox with his mates and couldn't be bothered (🙊) and she got mad at him and told him "he'd changed".
He seemed to recognise that she's happy when he does everything her way but when he dares to say no she always claims that he's changed.

So nothings really changed but these are tiny little things that give us glimmers of hope haha

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 04:15

She has conditioned him to respond only to her.. to listen to only her.. and believe only she understands him...

perhaps there is a chink in that solid wall she so carefully cultivated... I'm so glad to hear he's still in contact his mates.. this is good...

Orgasmagorical · 01/10/2021 08:07

That's excellent that he could see it for himself, workworkwork.

Lockdownbear · 07/10/2021 08:41

Just noticed your update, this thread always falls of my posted in list.

4 jobs, is she studying too? That must take up a fair amount of her time.

Is he working again?

But it's certainly an improvement if he's starting to say No to her and not feel guilty or trying to avoid the argument. The power balance is starting to shift and great that he put his mates / xbox before her.

Your doing amazing dealing with this, she will loose her grip eventually.

QueenBee52 · 07/10/2021 13:44

@Lockdownbear

Just noticed your update, this thread always falls of my posted in list.

4 jobs, is she studying too? That must take up a fair amount of her time.

Is he working again?

But it's certainly an improvement if he's starting to say No to her and not feel guilty or trying to avoid the argument. The power balance is starting to shift and great that he put his mates / xbox before her.

Your doing amazing dealing with this, she will loose her grip eventually.

agreed

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 07/10/2021 13:46

Here's a fun update for you all.
She messaged me again tonight about his birthday, I ummed and aahed about replying but decided to do the right thing, I thought she might be making an effort to reach out. I'll attach the pics below...

Then she messaged DS and told him I'd messaged her and she can't handle it and she was going to kill herself, dump him and that she's spent too much on him so she's going to take it all back as she's not going to see him for his birthday.

Now DS is mad at me for even replying and said I should've ignored her (true in hindsight but he admitted she would have got mad at that too). He's blaming me.
Lesson learned in trying to be the adult and be polite and let the past go a little bit for DS birthday.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)
My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)
My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)
OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 07/10/2021 13:50

She sounds certifiable

Lockdownbear · 07/10/2021 13:54

Wtf I thought your response was pretty reasonable.
So what does he want, dinner for two or a few drinks/ party?

She really is a drama queen 👸

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 07/10/2021 14:16

Good lord those messages! She is seriously unpleasant. I am astounded she thinks it’s appropriate to talk to someone like that. Well done OP for keeping your responses reasonable. She was clearly trying to force you into saying something she could complain about, and when you didn’t she went off in a dramatic strip anyway. I hope your DS realises soon that this is not how a healthy relationship looks.