My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

@workworkworkugh I hope you continue to get strength from this thread, despite some derailing!
You've had a tough year, but you're doing great! Take comfort and strength from that.

[quote Dillidilly]@Sssloou that's very interesting. What's your professional background, if I may ask?[/quote]
Why do you ask @Dillidilly?

@Sssloou because you offer the OP complex, confident analyses.
Which might indicate that you have some degree of professional insight. And might therefore be ethically problematic.
Or you don't. Which would be differently problematic.

@workworkworkugh please seek support and advice from accredited professionals in real life.

I wish you well.

[quote Dillidilly]@Sssloou because you offer the OP complex, confident analyses.
Which might indicate that you have some degree of professional insight. And might therefore be ethically problematic.
Or you don't. Which would be differently problematic.[/quote]
Hilarious...

[quote GoogleWhacked]@workworkworkugh I hope you continue to get strength from this thread, despite some derailing!
You've had a tough year, but you're doing great! Take comfort and strength from that.[/quote]
Agreed

@Sssloou

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/emotional-abuse/#effects

Have a look at the link above which outlines the signs / impact of emotional abuse on the behaviour, emotional and mental health of the recipient.

This boy is displaying all of the effects.

He is isolated, reactive, failing academically and socially and appears emotionally unstable, depressed and anxious.

This relationship is totally dysfunctional FOR HIM - it has destroyed all these area of his life whereas the GF is flying.

He’s not holding HER back - but she / the relationship has eroded him.

She gets her needs met by emotionally discharging her internal anxiety by being domineering and controlling.

Sounds like GF parents are delighted that he is in the frame to absorb her nonsense which was previously coming their way. He’s a convenient buffer - she’s doing well - they have zero concern that his MH, family life, academics, sport, social life, work, etc have diminished - as long as he keeps her happy they don’t care - he is expendable.

The OP doesn’t jump to their drama - she does the opposite - she is remaining centred, calm and compassionate as well as applying appropriate challenge for someone emotionally unwell because she can see how his sense of self worth has deteriorated in this dysfunctional relationship.

If you pan back you see a young man who’s life is spiralling, who’s consistent emotional state is one of FEAR - paralysis, indecision, exhaustion - that’s what being in an abusive relationship does to you.

The end game is that this relationship needs to be over.

It’s then a decision as to how that’s achieved. Ever DA service approaches this by supporting and encouraging the victim - not bulldozing in with an authoritarian high handed approach.

I suppose that @Marni83 your position is that the relationship is irrelevant - that he is just a feckless teen. If that were the case he would be out and about with his mates, hair raising and being reckless - that’s exactly what’s NOT happening here. The clues are his withdrawal, depression, reactivity, his fear and constant placating of her.

a clear and balanced view as always @Sssloou

@QueenBee52 except this 'view' is being presented as fact about people the poster has never met in real life.

Can you not see the problems inherent in that?

Anyway, I wish you well @workworkworkugh.

I hope you have accredited professional support in real life. An online thread can definitely offer valuable support, but equally posters can develop their own narrative and it can become an echo chamber where any other thoughts and ideas are shot down.
It's good to be open to other interpretations and advice in real life x

[quote Dillidilly]@Sssloou because you offer the OP complex, confident analyses.
Which might indicate that you have some degree of professional insight. And might therefore be ethically problematic.
Or you don't. Which would be differently problematic.[/quote]
So why does MN or any other online forum exist - if in your view the OP shouldn’t consider the opinion of people with zero professional expertise OR people with professional expertise?

Why then do you post? Where do you fall between professional and non professional and does this unethical / problematic issue not apply to you?

And how can you also support the opinions of selected posters when they equally either will have zero professional experience or are professionals unethically giving advice?

My very first post on this thread encouraged the OP to seek professional emotional support for herself and her family - which she went on successfully to do - and you would know that if you had read and paid attention to all of her threads.

@Sssloou I have read all the threads.

My professional background is working in with young people for over 30 years (I usually say over 25 in case anyone Advance Searches me, but realised with a shock the other day it's actually longer than that), predominantly in social care settings.

I try to offer support/advice by making suggestions, rather than assertions (I'm sure I've failed sometimes). Except where posters were declaring that the girlfriend is a psychopath. Then I I did assert that that was an unacceptable way to speak about a young person.

With my professional hat on, I would not make the kind of detailed, confident analyses about young people that you have done in these threads. None of us know any of these people in real life (presumably), we can't even know if this whole situation is even true.

Thread dynamics are very interesting.

[quote Dillidilly]**@QueenBee52* except this 'view' is being presented as fact* about people the poster has never met in real life.

Can you not see the problems inherent in that?[/quote]

irony right there 🙄

Nope, don't see the irony.

The only fact I have asserted about any young people in this thread is that it is unacceptable to declare that a 16 year old girl is a psychopath.

And I'm happy to stand by that.

I'll leave things here now @workworkworkugh.

You might be interested in reading about online thread dynamics and see if anything resonates.

Good luck in the real world x

@Dillidilly

Nope, don't see the irony.

The only fact I have asserted about any young people in this thread is that it is unacceptable to declare that a 16 year old girl is a psychopath.

And I'm happy to stand by that.

Of course you do... just as everyone stands by their opinions too ..

The difference being.. you only care about your own opinion and see only your opinion as relevant.. which makes you a failure ...

So of course you won't see the irony ...

@Dillidilly

Anyway, I wish you well *@workworkworkugh*.

I hope you have accredited professional support in real life. An online thread can definitely offer valuable support, but equally posters can develop their own narrative and it can become an echo chamber where any other thoughts and ideas are shot down.
It's good to be open to other interpretations and advice in real life x

Totally agree with you

I actually think the op may be open to other interpretations

However it’s some of the militant rather bizarre mumsnetters that seem determined to ensure she doesn’t

@Sssloou

So why does MN or any other online forum exist - if in your view the OP shouldn’t consider the opinion of people with zero professional expertise OR people with professional expertise?

Why then do you post? Where do you fall between professional and non professional and does this unethical / problematic issue not apply to you?

And how can you also support the opinions of selected posters when they equally either will have zero professional experience or are professionals unethically giving advice?

My very first post on this thread encouraged the OP to seek professional emotional support for herself and her family - which she went on successfully to do - and you would know that if you had read and paid attention to all of her threads.

Totally agree once again Sssloou

Your candor and empathy is as always a breath of fresh air...

@Sssloou thank you for perfectly illustrating my points about thread dynamics lol

[quote Dillidilly]@Sssloou thank you for perfectly illustrating my points about thread dynamics lol[/quote]

bless...

thank YOU for entertaining us

I'm really sorry you have to resort to calling me a 'failure' when all I have actually done is offer words of caution to the OP.

I should have heeded my own, earlier warning to another poster. I believe the last time I tried to question the prevailing narrative, I was called 'batshit'.

@Dillidilly
Why do you keep saying that you hope that the OP will seek or has accredited help, when you mustve known that she has? If you have actually read all the threads?
Also I find it interesting that you don't seem to have a problem with marni83's "views presented as facts"

What strange attempts at derailing on this thread.

@workworkworkugh I'm so sorry your thread has been derailed. I'm no professional so perhaps I should offer an opinion, but to hell with it, I will anyway...

I wonder if letting him attend the meeting with the GF might be beneficial as a way for him to further experience her two faces. As when he does speak to you about her it does sound like he's weary of dealing with her reactions to things. He still goes back I see, but he also sounds increasingly fed up with having to pay for his freedom by having her unleash a tirade of emotional abuse at him.

I think you are doing amazingly well, it sounds very difficult and I have no idea how I'd feel in your shoes. There's no fix, as you've said, he can make his own choices and you have no legal hold over him. To my mind, cutting him off would only worsen the situation as he'd have nowhere to escape to when/if he wants to. And he's your son, who you love and want in your life! Unfortunately it sounds like a waiting game, and giving him a place to retreat to is all you can do until he sees his relationship for what it is - toxic and controlling. I hope for all of you that comes sooner rather than later.

Shouldn't offer an opinion!!!

How are have you been this week @workworkworkugh?