Page 24 | My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

workworkworkugh · 2021-05-14T21:24:32+00:00

Link to part 2: My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2 http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am]][[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2 i]]i_[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2 being_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2]] Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit. I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are [confused]

JudyGemstone · 01/09/2021 11:46

I agree, you’re doing great. He’s been learning about relationships by what you and your husband have been modelling to him throughout his life, not just what you say about this girlfriend. So that will have gone in somewhere.

So many relationships at this age this fizzle out when school/college ends so hopefully this will be the same.

Budapestdreams · 01/09/2021 18:01

Can't believe this is still going on. You sound like you are handling it as well as is possible in the circumstances.
He is still talking to you and still at home most of the time.
It's tough but you are doing the right things.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2021 14:57

Just checked back in again - I also can't quite believe that your son has still not seen the light, is still enmeshed with this appalling girl who is systematically reducing him to her slave with no hope of escape and is actually losing all will to escape too.

I'm very very sad for him, and for you, that he is mired in so deep now.

I really don't know what I'd do in your position, but extreme ideas would be crossing my mind, like kidnapping him and taking him across the country (hard in lockdown times, I know) and removing all tech from him so that he CAN'T contact her. I know the Romeo and Juliet scenario, but I can't help feeling that if he was got away from her for a reasonable length of time, that he'd come out his stupor and wake up to himself, and realise that his life has been going steadily down the toilet!

Sweetpea1532 · 03/09/2021 15:52

@workworkworkugh

Just clutching at straws here...has anyone asked her why she's so controlling of your DSs life? Obviously not in those words, but with thoughts on what she feels her role is in the relationship...does she feel you and DH weren't doing a good job of parenting him? Or Your DS couldn't make wise decisions for himself? Or He needs her?
Is she this controlling with other people she has relationships with?

I am still getting the feeling that she feels HER life is so out of control that she's trying to control something in her life and unfortunately it's your DS...I am by know means condoning anything she's done or is doing to your DS or feeling sorry for her...it must be incredibly stressful for her to keep up top grades and a job, and then feel that she has the responsibility to help control your DSs life, too. No wonder she is completely unhinged when things dont go as she's planned for DS...
She is falling apart psychologically and I just hope she isn't taking DS with her.
You are really being supportive of DS right now and letting him know you love him. He will be able to draw on that love when she does unravel.

Marni83 · 03/09/2021 17:02

Ds is spending his days in his room playing computer games
Many a teen boys dream
His parents indulging him because worried about girlfriend and not pushing him away
With a girlfriend flying at school whilst holding down two jobs and presumably paying for him when they go out or he’s supported by the op.

I suspect he rather enjoys the status quo and doesn’t have a huge amount of motivation to change it!

Justilou1 · 04/09/2021 08:30

It would be good if you could ask her what HER plans for DS’s life are, as she obviously has plans for her own. I imagine she’ll be studying soon, etc… Does she plan to lug around a morose, resentful, computer-game playing manchild with no life skills, no friends and no qualifications?

Marni83 · 04/09/2021 08:52

@Justilou1

It would be good if you could ask her what HER plans for DS’s life are, as she obviously has plans for her own. I imagine she’ll be studying soon, etc… Does she plan to lug around a morose, resentful, computer-game playing manchild with no life skills, no friends and no qualifications?

i would be very concerned about this relationship if I was the girl’s mother

Concerned that her boyfriend was going to be an obstacle for her achieving what she’s clearly capable of - not many teens manage to do very well at school, study hard AND hard down two jobs.

HostessTrolley · 04/09/2021 11:24

Have you actually read the full thread @Marni83!

Marni83 · 04/09/2021 14:56

I have

But look at it from the DS perspective
He spends his day on his room playing computer games with his friends (all of whom work)
His mother so worried about pushing him away, I suspect he is very indulged
His girls friend does very well at school and holds down two jobs

He’s 16. A 16 year old boy.

Most who have 16 year old boys know that to spend their days chilling in their rooms playing computer games with their mates, totally financially supported by parents and a girlfriend who works, with parents anxious about pushing him away and no doubt totally indulge him…. Well, let’s just say, I suspect his mates are green with envy and the DS is just a little snug!

Justilou1 · 04/09/2021 15:06

I agree @Marni83. This ridiculousness has been going on too long. There have been too many excuses made for the boy’s bad behaviour all along. We constantly hear about how nobody cares to say no to the GF, and yet he has absolutely no incentive to do anything for himself (that normal kids his age are expected to do, like study, work, etc…). His parents are obviously giving him money to socialize, and and paying for medical and psychological appointments, and yet he is putting nothing back into the family or society. This is not healthy at all.

Marni83 · 04/09/2021 16:32

@Justilou1

I agree *@Marni83*. This ridiculousness has been going on too long. There have been too many excuses made for the boy’s bad behaviour all along. We constantly hear about how nobody cares to say no to the GF, and yet he has absolutely no incentive to do anything for himself (that normal kids his age are expected to do, like study, work, etc…). His parents are obviously giving him money to socialize, and and paying for medical and psychological appointments, and yet he is putting nothing back into the family or society. This is not healthy at all.

It won’t go down well amongst most of the posters I suspect most of them have just caught up in it all and lost sight of fact that this is a 16 year old boy playing computer games all day with his mates with his parents pushy footing around him, desperate not to push him away. He will be perpetuating the idea that he is somehow being controlled ba cuss quite honestly…. It suits him!

Marni83 · 04/09/2021 16:35

This girl is studying very hard
And holding down two part time jobs

There’s surely a limit as to the extreme control she is supposedly asserting but she’ll be preoccupied and busy most of the time.

As her mother I’d be concerned. About the relationship and how it may hold back from daughter

QueenBee52 · 04/09/2021 17:07

@Marni83

This girl is studying very hard And holding down two part time jobs

There’s surely a limit as to the extreme control she is supposedly asserting but she’ll be preoccupied and busy most of the time.

As her mother I’d be concerned. About the relationship and how it may hold back from daughter

Did you read the First and Second Threads ?

Then you would understand the control this lass has over even her Parents.

Justilou1 · 04/09/2021 22:27

As he does over his own

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 22:44

Birthday Breakfast then op.. With cake... A huge one...

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 05/09/2021 00:14

@Marni83 we don't give him any money at all.
In fact he hasn't even been home all week.
We pay for his phone currently until our contract is up.
We also pay for his schooling as we have to, but will be changing him from private school to public school next year as we've told him the amount we pay in school fees matches his effort (and he's putting in no effort as he doesn't want to be there).

He has savings from past jobs and has been using that if he needs to (which is not often when in lockdown) even tho it's supposed to be for a car.

We have spoken to him about what she's achieving and does he think once she's left school and heading to university/college that she's going to want a boyfriend that sits around all day with no ambition or drive.

Her mother doesn't care. She's taken on DS as her own, even though he was achieving so much in his life before he met her.

How do you 'force' someone to get a job? We encourage it and talk about it, we're both hard workers ourselves so it's baffling that he has this attitude. Our family has always been about working for what you want.

We know he's not innocent, but she also has him in such a position that he's too scared to make any decisions without consulting her as he's so scared of her reaction.

OP posts:

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 08:32

So he doesn’t stay all day in his room playing computer games with friends?
I said this because this is exactly what you said

However he’s been out all week. Where?

So if you don’t ever give him money, when he goes out with his girlfriend, she must find him. Realistically how much can a 16 year old have saved from previous jobs?

* We have spoken to him about what she's achieving and does he think once she's left school and heading to university/college that she's going to want a boyfriend that sits around all day with no ambition or drive.*

Odd that you say this given…. Well the entire crux of your OP. Sounds like you’re encouraging him to improve himself in order to keep his girlfriend.

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 08:33

fund him

Sitchervice · 05/09/2021 09:32

@Marni83 isn't it obvious, he's living with GF now. Her son has basically been taken in the same way as someone gets taken in by a cult. How do you get someone out of a cult.

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 05/09/2021 09:34

Yes we said that to encourage him to get a job or focus on his education etc.

He's been living with her and her mum all week. The Mum fucking loves it.

He's basically only home these days when she's working and then he is gaming or at least in his room. We don't love it but we're also in lockdown so there's not much else he can do.
But how do we 'make' him get a job?

He has over $2000aud in savings (approx £1000 I think?).

OP posts:

Sitchervice · 05/09/2021 09:37

@Marni83 also you had a go at OP for giving him money and not making him get a job, now your having a go at op for not giving him money and trying to get him to get a job. OP can't win in your eyes.

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 05/09/2021 09:38

When he's with the GF they don't actually go anywhere I do anything, they just stay at her house. They don't hang out with friends etc.
Partly due to lockdown, partly due to them isolating themselves.
So he doesn't need money as they don't do anything.

We don't give him money (we do take care of his basic needs), we don't run him around anywhere, the Mum and Dad (mainly the Mother who will pick him up and take him to wherever her daughter is) seem happy to do that.

OP posts:

Justilou1 · 05/09/2021 10:25

There is a very good chance that the mum has organised a Homeless Allowance for him. The school counsellor will have helped with that one by attesting to the fact that he no longer lives with you or receives financial assistance, etc. Are totally on top of what he’s telling everyone, @workworkworkugh?

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 05/09/2021 10:42

We're pretty aware of most of the lies that he has told as it nearly always gets back to us.

I know for a fact he's not receiving any government assistance.
He's been staying there a lot lately as we're in lockdown so homeschooling.
When school is on he doesn't stay there as often.

A few little things have happened lately, it's like she's taken every single thing away from him possible and is now slowly giving some things back (when it suits her) so he thinks she's amazing 🙄

OP posts:

Eralos · 05/09/2021 10:51

@workworkworkugh does he still play his sport? Or is it out of season? I can’t remember what sport it is. How can he not see through her it’s so worrying.