@Sssloou we are just going to leave it for now as it is a little while away and see what happens closer to the date. DS said he doesn't know of any plans. It doesn't matter if we choose the most exciting thing ever, he would probably still choose her as she kicks up the most fuss.
I think that that is exactly the right thing to do for now - say nothing, don’t react. She wants to tug of war - so don’t give it. It will confuse her.
But don’t give up (even if you know he will most likely choose her) because again HE will be secretly disappointed in you if you suggest nothing (again it’s what she wants) - so as you say closer to the time decide what you want to do and suggest that to your DS - calmly and firmly and reinforce that he has a loving extended family who want to share fun / celebrations with him - even if you end up compromising that it’s not in the exact day / same weekend …. it should be offered and he should feel / see the contrast and the issues she is causing him.
Keep chipping away. You are doing great - I am sure you are RAGING which is appropriate but don’t express that emotion to either of them. Behave in a strategic way.
Don’t let her goading and provoking you make you flip out at your son - instead use it to imagine the mental turmoil he is in inside even if he isn’t able to totally see the level of manipulation and coercive control he lives under - he will be feeling it and one day soon he will know that all the stress comes from her.
@SofiaMichelle - of course this is a hideous situation (whatever gender) but it is also one that requires a v different and v precise way of managing it because currently the DS is brainwashed - the GF will be telling him 24/7 that the OP (the main threat to her) is evil etc she needs to show ACTIONS of contrast to these lies and the GF behaviour. OP needs to provide an attractive peaceful, safe harbour to attract him back to - otherwise any conflict will result in him moving out permanently and OP and her DS will be estranged as GF will block / censor any communication and he will be lost for years. This has only not happened because they are under age.
It’s a v v tough place to be for the OP, her family and her DS and high risk. His MH is the priority - any thing heavy handed would likely back fire.
OP needs to steady the family ship in the face of this evil disrupter GF but also keep building confidence and encouraging her DS to feel it and express it.
The minute she criticises the GF or gets into conflict with her DS because of his current mindset (through the lies and control) he will flip to defending her and become more enmeshed with her.
The OP can continue to educate him about healthy relationship behaviours (by continuing to demonstrate behaviours of kindness, respect, fun, openness, social stuff, choices in her own home to contrast what he is experiencing with the GF a as well as subtly highlighting / leaving him with questions around how specific incidents of her behavior leave him feeling - so that a light is being shone on it all) - but she needs to leave the final judgement of her behavior up to him as this will have the impact needed but she can skilfully lead him to see it.
It is a nightmare but there is really only one way out - having insight and compassion for what HE is experiencing (significant emotional abuse) which enables you to understand his difficult behavior and to manage him sensitively and effectively. To focus on rebuilding consistent, calm, loving trusting bonds with him (which she has destroyed and will continue to do so as these are in her mind a threat to her) which will give him the emotional stability to see what is happening and eventually the confidence to take the right action.
Going in all guns blazing (which is the natural right emotional reaction but the wrong behavioural response) would be disastrous.
She needs ignoring.
It’s v hard for the OP.
Also the DS loss of school, job, friends, apprenticeship will have further eroded his confidence and distorted his perspective. He isn’t living a healthy well rounded balanced life. But he has before and the OP is showing him, giving him choices and and encouraging him and also putting down boundaries around respectful behaviour and responsibilities so he will come back.