My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

@Eralos out of season, stopped early due to a new lockdown.

[quote Sitchervice]@Marni83 also you had a go at OP for giving him money and not making him get a job, now your having a go at op for not giving him money and trying to get him to get a job. OP can't win in your eyes.[/quote]
Maybe try read my post!

@workworkworkugh

Yes we said that to encourage him to get a job or focus on his education etc.

He's been living with her and her mum all week. The Mum fucking loves it.

He's basically only home these days when she's working and then he is gaming or at least in his room. We don't love it but we're also in lockdown so there's not much else he can do.
But how do we 'make' him get a job?

He has over $2000aud in savings (approx £1000 I think?).

You’re in lockdown?

@Marni83 yes, we're in Australia.
We've been in lockdown on and off all year and just lately for weeks with more to go.

Op
He’s living a good life in his life
It serves him to perpetuate the idea that he is being controlled

I doubt it is even a fraction as bad as he has made out

You no longer have your 16 year old DS living with you. I would be devastated in your shoes. And you are. But I think you’re looking for reasons why.

When in reality… it’s a lazy 16 year old boy who is kind of enjoying have no responsibility and being waiting on hand and foot by his girlfriends mother, playing computer games with his mates and no doubt having lots of sex!

Please read the Ops posts from the very beginning @Marni83 (from the first thread).

I have
And I think many posters have propelled the OP and fanned flames

Is there an issue? Yes.

Is it half as serious as the op now thinks? No
Is the DS enjoying the situation? Yes

Ignore Marni83

Clearly trying to upset and distress an already very upsetting situation with all these random assumptions..

If you cannot be supportive to OP's horrid situation .. take yourself off the Thread..

And you sum up the problem

Unless fanning flames, then view not welcome

Re read the op
The boy keeps his mother waiting
Doesn’t want to eat with him (she says did this before meeting his girlfriend)
Doesn’t want to join the family on beach days

This is a 16 year old boy in love.

You’ve all lost sight of that

I appreciate that she is awful, but it does still seem that you're clinging onto his childhood a little. I don't recall doing anything special with my family for my birthdays as a teenager and at 16 probably would want to spend much of the day with friends/people my own age and certainly not have an elaborate home made cake. I also wouldn't have shut down the counsellors suggestion. I don't see it as giving her more control, rather than challenging her current influence. And even if she lied and was all sweet and supportive in the meeting, it may still help insofar as setting him goals. The counselor would almost certainly have good skills in teasing apart the issues. As for the diazpam, that is something that I would take very seriously though as I believe it is illegal for a non medical person to supply prescription drugs to another, so that is potentially a very serious issue.

@Hugoslavia I see you point on the birthday thing.
It's not so much that he might want to spend it with his GF (or mates if he chose to) it's the fact that she TELLS me she will be taking him out for his birthday instead of asking if it fits our plans, plus we would have included her in whatever DS wanted to do but he openly admits she would refuse.

[quote workworkworkugh]@Hugoslavia I see you point on the birthday thing.
It's not so much that he might want to spend it with his GF (or mates if he chose to) it's the fact that she TELLS me she will be taking him out for his birthday instead of asking if it fits our plans, plus we would have included her in whatever DS wanted to do but he openly admits she would refuse.[/quote]
She tells you her plans

Assertive and thoughtless (she’s only 16!)
Hardly devil incarnate

@Marni83 earlier in this thread I expressed concern about the narrative that is being promoted by some posters and got attacked (although not by the OP).

The girlfriend may very well be a deeply unhappy 16 year old girl, with disordered behaviour that challenges.
But from what we now understand about how the brain matures in teenagers and young adults, I find it very difficult to follow the narrative of the girlfriend as some kind of psychological arch villain. And I don't think that it is helpful to the OP.

@Marni83 ok so what would you do then? How would you handle the whole situation?

@workworkworkugh

don't engage with Marni83... they are simply looking to derail you.. best ignored..

[quote Dillidilly]@Marni83 earlier in this thread I expressed concern about the narrative that is being promoted by some posters and got attacked (although not by the OP).

The girlfriend may very well be a deeply unhappy 16 year old girl, with disordered behaviour that challenges.
But from what we now understand about how the brain matures in teenagers and young adults, I find it very difficult to follow the narrative of the girlfriend as some kind of psychological arch villain. And I don't think that it is helpful to the OP.[/quote]
Exactly
You put it far more diplomatically than me

I think sometimes op truly believe that anonymous mumsnet yet genuinely and truly care about them.

They don’t. They don’t know you, your family or this girl from a stranger. They are perusing mumsnet during a coffee break perhaps. During off advice that is often just high drama

Firing off advice I meant to say

I think sometimes op truly believe that anonymous mumsnet yet genuinely and truly care about them. They don’t. They don’t know you, your family or this girl from a stranger. They are perusing mumsnet during a coffee break perhaps.

You do not speak for me. I do actually care for the OP on threads I contribute to, or else I wouldn't be contributing.

There are many of us who have experience of controlling relationships, of which this is one. Those of us who have been trying to support the OP have not been giving 'high drama' advice, as you put it.

There are times when an alternative point of view might not be a bad thing in a thread but if you've just come in to have a go at the OP and other posters then your posts are worthless.

Where have I “had a go”?

Where have you provided any useful advice?

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/emotional-abuse/#effects

Have a look at the link above which outlines the signs / impact of emotional abuse on the behaviour, emotional and mental health of the recipient.

This boy is displaying all of the effects.

He is isolated, reactive, failing academically and socially and appears emotionally unstable, depressed and anxious.

This relationship is totally dysfunctional FOR HIM - it has destroyed all these area of his life whereas the GF is flying.

He’s not holding HER back - but she / the relationship has eroded him.

She gets her needs met by emotionally discharging her internal anxiety by being domineering and controlling.

Sounds like GF parents are delighted that he is in the frame to absorb her nonsense which was previously coming their way. He’s a convenient buffer - she’s doing well - they have zero concern that his MH, family life, academics, sport, social life, work, etc have diminished - as long as he keeps her happy they don’t care - he is expendable.

The OP doesn’t jump to their drama - she does the opposite - she is remaining centred, calm and compassionate as well as applying appropriate challenge for someone emotionally unwell because she can see how his sense of self worth has deteriorated in this dysfunctional relationship.

If you pan back you see a young man who’s life is spiralling, who’s consistent emotional state is one of FEAR - paralysis, indecision, exhaustion - that’s what being in an abusive relationship does to you.

The end game is that this relationship needs to be over.

It’s then a decision as to how that’s achieved. Ever DA service approaches this by supporting and encouraging the victim - not bulldozing in with an authoritarian high handed approach.

I suppose that @Marni83 your position is that the relationship is irrelevant - that he is just a feckless teen. If that were the case he would be out and about with his mates, hair raising and being reckless - that’s exactly what’s NOT happening here. The clues are his withdrawal, depression, reactivity, his fear and constant placating of her.

@Sssloou that's very interesting. What's your professional background, if I may ask?

Fucking hell. The girlfriend sounds like a nut job!!!! You're doing everything I would have done in the same situation I'm not sure what else there is you can do?

@Marni83 I did actually read you freaking post. You flamed the op for giving him money. Then you said well now he's just living off of his girl friend when she said she didn't give him money! What the hell do you want from the OP!

These things don't happen over night. Having actually been in a relationship similar to this one I can tell you that the abuser chips away until there is nothing left. She's pulled him in being loving and sweet then started to go hey I don't like your friends. Or they don't like you they just hang with you because they feel sorry for you but I don't hate you (as it was in my case). Then oh your mum seems to hate me. Your family is dosnt want us to be together but my. Family does. Then it gets worse and worse until you have no job no will to better your self. You just want to be with your abuser because "they have always been there for you"

Op has gone out of her way to try and help her son short of up and moving across country. The girl friend even told her son to kill her so they could be together.