Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
workworkworkugh · 09/08/2021 00:53

@TrampolineForMrKite he's always suffered from some low level anxiety but only in certain situations. We've always said if it's getting unmanageable we would get him help, but he refuses.
We did manage to get him to the GP last year but I don't know what he told her and the next step was to book a psychologist but he refused that as well and as he's 16 we had no say over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
workworkworkugh · 09/08/2021 00:54

To add it that, we are very concerned about his own mental health but again, besides making suggestions (which he doesn't want to hear) we have absolutely no control or say over his medical care, it's completely up to him.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 09/08/2021 01:06

OP I've been following all along and I think you're doing the best you can do. My heart goes out to you and yoir family. Your poor son just can see the light.

But for the valium,I would not be cool and breezy about that in no way,shape or form.

Not prescribed to him and so horrendously addictive.

Its what all the teens/young adults are fucked up on here in Ireland. It's like the new heroin.

So this mother and daughter are now giving him alcohol and benzos.

Jesus christ if he goes down that road op. I know you know all this but this is extremely dangerous for him.

I wish I had advice for you. You're doing brilliantly and doing so much more than my parents would have ever done! You're a really good mother.

Fingers crossed for you all op

Notimeforaname · 09/08/2021 01:08

So many typos Hmm

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 01:57

@workworkworkugh

is there a name in the box.. prescription dosage instructions to suit the patients needs ?

Diazepam is in a class of medications called benzodiazepines.

Nobody should he handing him 'their' prescription WTAF ..

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 09/08/2021 02:06

@QueenBee52 there was no box, just one pill on its own in the little blister pack (cut away from the others).

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 02:19

[quote workworkworkugh]@QueenBee52 there was no box, just one pill on its own in the little blister pack (cut away from the others).[/quote]

Aahh ok sorry I misunderstood..

Still very much cause for concern.. it's never ending 🌸

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 09/08/2021 02:22

We'll speak with him further about it tonight.
We're inclined to believe him in this instance but at the same time, how can we know for sure that there weren't more and he's been taking them for a while?
I guess we just need to trust what he tells us.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 02:47

@workworkworkugh

We'll speak with him further about it tonight. We're inclined to believe him in this instance but at the same time, how can we know for sure that there weren't more and he's been taking them for a while? I guess we just need to trust what he tells us.

Reckless endangerment is what crosses my mind..

handing a young adult your prescription drugs .. is so inappropriate Im lost for words .. its highly addictive .. never mind the complex dangerous side effects.. and had this happened.. you would not know what to tell paramedics what he had potentially taken.. extreme I know but things do happen ... 😕

keep a close eye ... and I'd also be asking which adult gave him this.. which is also illegal 🌸

mynameisbrian · 09/08/2021 09:46

Diazepam wouldnt be used to treat anxiety in children as it, my DD has just been prescribed propanolol by the GP. You need to be be very clear with him that medication should only ever be taken if prescribed for him by a GP. This is not a good path at all.

Emmelina · 09/08/2021 09:54

I hope you get to the bottom of why he has a pill… :(

Sssloou · 09/08/2021 10:11

Really nice positive increments - seeing his friends and calling out her shitty behaviour (to you at least) means he is getting some perspective - he is now capable of knowing what is going on and is trusting of you to speak about it. This is an important shift. What you are doing is working - the being of the end I believe - although it might be slow and not a straight line. Just keep chipping away encouraging him to fill his time with “normal” people and activities that he enjoys.

As for the Valium - it’s clearly v wrong / dangerous / illegal etc but be careful how you handle it - you don’t want this to backfire in you if you go after the GF or GF DM.

The real issue is that he is / was v v distressed and his MH is / fragile. So much so that another adult noticed and provided medication.

Speak to him about that episode/experience of being in mental turmoil. Maybe this is an additional opportunity to get him to a therapist?

He needs exposure to as many other other emotionally healthy, supportive and balanced people as possible to break him out of this trap he is in.

Is there anyway that you can find out who’s handwriting it is?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 09/08/2021 10:21

@Sssloou it's definitely his girlfriends handwriting. I believe it's come from her. After the concussion etc incident in April she was apparently so distressed that she was given something as a type of sedative which I think is this.

I understand what you're saying but it's not on another adult to give drugs/medications to someone else's child. It's not like it was a bloody Panadol.
If they were so concerned they could have contacted us.
We were concerned ourselves and tried many different avenues to get him help which he refused. He also lied to them about what happened.

I do believe it was just the one and it's gone no further, but they're (the GF/Mum) apparently giving him alcohol and now this, I just feel like she won't stop until he's lost everything and heading down the wrong path and then dump him.
But that's probably my anxiety talking.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 09/08/2021 11:04

Oh Jesus Christ - This family needs social services! They’re supplying alcohol and now sedatives! You keep this and the handwriting. Call the police - again. This is going way too far.

Sssloou · 09/08/2021 12:16

100% it isn’t for another adult to give a child any prescription medicine - it’s v wrong, dangerous and illegal.

But it seems that from the handwriting it was the GF who gave it to him?

That’s also v wrong - and it’s also important that he knows not to take prescription medication from anyone. That’s the important lesson for him here. He says he didn’t take any, you seem to believe him. I am only suggesting to plan how you will handle this as things are going your way currently and picking up something from months ago, that maybe never happened might flip you all back to square one because GF and GF DM will exploit and escalate and shit stir any discord to their advantage.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 12:25

I just feel like she won't stop until he's lost everything and heading down the wrong path and then dump him.
But that's probably my anxiety talking.

It's not your anxiety talking.. its your worst fears being realised .. because you are an adult and can see the potential paths ahead for this kind of behaviour ...

You're insightful and can see clear as day the control and manipulations of both her and her Mother..

how you are keeping it together is only credit to you and your DH.. because in all honesty I'd have gone nuts at them already.. I know thats counter productive but I'd certainly feel better letting them know Im onto their scheming alcohol/drug bull shit..

IS she perhaps trying to wipe out his attending football where he sees his mates socialises that peer connection she loathes so much.. by inducing him to take more drink then he's hung over than can't train.. then he's dropped etc..

They really ARE this calculating..

You're a stronger person that I OP.. keep going... he sounds a bit more responsive these days.. 🌸

Orgasmagorical · 09/08/2021 12:36

We're still to speak to him further about it.

It probably doesn't need saying but if you can gently reiterate that you're not the enemy/you're his mum and have loved him unconditionally from the moment he was born 16 years ago (very subtly pointing out that she's only known him for however long Wink)/only want the best for him, when you're talking to him that will hopefully reinforce to him the stability from his family. He will know that he can't tell the GF that as it will anger her and with any luck, if he has enough time for the headspace, he'll start to see the reality of his life just now.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 19:56

you can gently reiterate that you're not the enemy/you're his mum and have loved him unconditionally from the moment he was born 16 years ago (very subtly pointing out that she's only known him for however long )/only want the best for him

Very true 🌸

Theworldsgonemad · 13/08/2021 21:57

I've been following your thread and my heart breaks for you.
I came across this Ted talk and wondered whether you son would pay attention to this

I sincerely hope he can extract himself from this girl and the situation
debwong · 14/08/2021 12:03

Sorry if this has been suggested before, or happened already, but I wonder whether your DH could casually reminisce with DS about girlfriends he had when he was a teenager himself, to show that this relationship DS has is not the norm and he should be having a much lighter, easier time.

Sssloou · 21/08/2021 09:28

How have you all been this week?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 22/08/2021 03:27

We're plodding along.
We had a meeting with his school as he hadn't chosen his subjects for year 12 (last year of school) as he doesn't want to be there and he's failing a lot of classes but he's refusing to do further work experience or try and organise work or an apprenticeship.

The school counsellor suggested they get DS and the GF in a meeting together to ask HER what her vision for DS future looks like and what her aspirations are for him as they thought that might encourage him to talk.
We shut that idea down pretty fast!
She already has so much power over him, why give her more of a say Confused if she wanted to encourage and support him she could do it any other time but she chooses to get mad at him instead.

She's also recently got her learners licence.
We've tried for months to encourage DS to go for more drives (he only has 12 months to get his hours up due to getting them late because of lockdowns) but he has refused. But now she has hers he's suddenly interested.
He told us that she was 'restricting' the times he could go as she would get mad but now she has hers and is practicing she's ok with DS doing it.
The whole situation is so fucked.

We try not to ask about their relationship but sometimes the conversation happens naturally, if he's in a good mood he tells us things, if not he shuts us down.
We're so used to his/their routine and even his moods depending on where she's living that week, It's the new normal for our family.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 04:17

Is he talking about leaving home at all Workwork ?

You're right .. she has destroyed his finals.. everything... and Hell would freeze over before I'd let this Witch come into a educational meeting to decide his future path, WTF was this school counsellor thinking, it's so bang out of order Id make an official complaint, have they listened to nothing you have said.

He is living his life to merely please her, het grip around his throat is fatal, I fear for his future. Flowers

Orgasmagorical · 22/08/2021 10:02

We try not to ask about their relationship but sometimes the conversation happens naturally, if he's in a good mood he tells us things, if not he shuts us down. We're so used to his/their routine and even his moods depending on where she's living that week, It's the new normal for our family.

This has reminded me that when times were very bad with my then husband I'd occasionally share a little of what he was doing to me with a couple of my friends but more often than not when they asked how things were I'd just say "Fine" because (a) they weren't so bad at that particular time and (b) I'd forgotten what it had been like the last time I'd spoken to them and (c) I didn't want to admit that there was a problem, I was probably going through a hopeful phase at those times.

You just do what you have to do to get through each day, trying not to have them react to anything. It's not until you have room to breathe and are permanently away from the danger that you can see what was actually going on. That's my experience anyway.

I wonder if the school counsellor doesn't have much experience with manipulative abusers to suggest such a thing Confused

Mummyratbag · 22/08/2021 10:17

When I read that they suggested the girlfriend attend the meeting I was confused and thought "oh is this some sort of double bluff to get her to realise that she is controlling". Then realised no, they are serious. FFS they are enabling her and treating her as your son's parent. This is worrying. All this talk of joint counselling etc ...all enabling the abuse, your poor son must be so confused. He needs to hear that this isn't normal, he's already struggling without people encouraging her. This gives me the rage (I know you are not enabling her OP).