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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 11:03

This is a whole shitload of incompetence and laziness. Not to mention inappropriateness. First the police and now this. Fuuuuuck!

Justkeepleft · 22/08/2021 11:50

Sorry to hear this is still going on.
It is hard to judge the school counsellor's tone. Maybe they would be just as shocked to realise her view of his future and it might mobilise them. Or they fall for ger baloney. Either way he should have his own goals. Would he be interested in doing yr.12 at TAFE?

Then again she is achieving her view of his future now.
Does he have a better week when she is at her father's?
I hope he finds himself again ♥️

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 22/08/2021 11:59

@Justkeepleft I think they were hoping with her there saying what she envisioned for DS future that it might encourage DS to make a decision.
But if she wanted to encourage him, she could do it from the sidelines and she had the chance when he did work experience but she got mad at him instead.
They also wanted to tell her if she realises what she's doing to DS, as in making him so stressed to make a decision in case he upsets her, but we also shut that down.

Also, she would of course tell them what they wanted to hear and be lovely and encouraging in the meeting then possibly (from past behaviour) get mad at him after the fact if he were to actually do something.

She doesn't like when he has experiences that don't include her (the driving, seeing friends, work experience etc).
But she's excelling in everything, straight A student, 2 jobs, savings, aspirations for her future etc and good on her, but she likes holding DS back and keeping him down so he only has her to rely on.

It is in part DS own laziness, we are well aware of that, but before he met her he had a job, a hobby that paid good money, savings, future career goals, great friends, a social life etc etc but now he literally has nothing but her (and us of course!)

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 12:40

She is treating him like a pet human. Gross.

Marni83 · 22/08/2021 12:45

But she's excelling in everything, straight A student, 2 jobs, savings, aspirations for her future etc and good on her, but she likes holding DS back and keeping him down so he only has her to rely on.

What is your DS actually doing when she is working s jobs and then studying very hard in order to achieve straight As? She must be very busy and he just have fair bit of time when she is preoccupied at work and studying

Orgasmagorical · 22/08/2021 12:50

before he met her he had a job, a hobby that paid good money, savings, future career goals, great friends, a social life etc etc but now he literally has nothing but her (and us of course!)

Have you had the opportunity to gently guide him to realising this?

Of course, he needs to have the courage to do something about it but the more he can see what she is doing to him, how she is using him to boost her own ego, hopefully it will give him that little bit of drive to start wanting to become himself again.

RandomMess · 22/08/2021 13:52

Think of you often, hang on in there Thanks

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/08/2021 14:37

I think of you often too Op - agree hang in there and hopefully his eyes will be opened to her behaviour sooner rather than later.

QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 15:30

me too OP.. 🌸

TomNookk · 22/08/2021 15:38

sending love

Sweetpea1532 · 22/08/2021 19:41

You are in my thoughts, OP.
One day in the future this will all be over and DS will be free of this bondage...he is fortunate to have you and your family who will be there to help him pick up the pieces..Flowers

I wonder what her motivation is to need to control your DS?

Sweetpea1532 · 22/08/2021 20:01

@workworkworkugh

The thought just occurred to me...it seems like she is trying to parent your son and put boundaries up for him because her own parents have not done so for her....not even realising that she's crying out for structure and boundaries because she has none in her own life ... she has created this little ad hoc world for him that in reality is what she is crying out for...I know that sounds kind of crazy and I might not have phrased it right as I'm dyslexic, but in an odd way it makes sense...otherwise, what could be her reasoning for doing what she is doing? It just doesn't make sense!

Hang in there, OP ...I know it is so devastatingly worrying about your son's future. He sounds like a bright young man who has a lot going for him. When he comes out the other side of this crazy situation he will be able to carry on..maybe not with the life that you'd envisioned for him, especially since he is missing out on opportunities that are available to him right now that won't be available later, but there will be new and exciting opportunities for him then...he's a hard worker and has a family and friends who care for him....
he has a support system to help him be successful in the future Flowers

Sssloou · 22/08/2021 22:05

She really is eroding him - deskilling him, isolating him, making him emotionally dependent, closing down every opportunity so it is like he is in some invisible emotional cage. As PP said like a caged pet where she is in 100% control.

He must be v stressed, confused and feel terrified, exhausted and trapped. Even if he is in denial and doesn’t know this consciously.

He is in trauma - he is in hyper alert state - and can’t think - that’s why he can’t make a decision - she holds all the power - he is currently helpless.

And you must feel the same.

Try not to worry too much about his failed academics and apprenticeship for now - because he can pick this up later - keep focused on his emotional well-being - anything and everything to show contrast to her way of being - provide him with choices, light, fun, busy, socially connecting - you are trying to woo him back with the carrot not the stick.

He is showing his trust in you when he opens up - in a good mood he is telling you stuff … notice this and this is the time to ask questions (not judge her to him) - does that feel fair? Is that appropriate? What did you want to do? What would happen if you said “no”? Etc ….. keep supporting him and encouraging him - with 10% chipping away with challenging Qs to leave him with (you don’t need him to answer for you).

When he is in a bad mood - it’s not with you - know that - it’s the stress of existing with her. Maybe at these times he needs some TLC / some implicit communication - no words - just a hug / cup of tea …. Even though you might be angry with his bad mood - see it as him in pain preoccupied with her.

So tough for you to watch but progress is being made if he is opening up to you. Keep focusing on his MH because that is the bit that will allow him to dig himself out of this.

And keep looking after yourself because there are a few more hard yards to go yet.

Do they even have any fun anymore?

Sssloou · 22/08/2021 22:07

Also any break he makes from her will not be smooth or straightforward. It will be messy, difficult and no doubt she will up the ante - so you all need to be strong and try to withdraw from her in a tactful way.

Lockdownbear · 22/08/2021 23:07

How are things now?
Are your schools back? Is he getting time away from him at school.

Thinking of what the previous poster suggested on her looking for boundaries, do you think DS could put some boundaries in place for her?

SofaSpuds · 23/08/2021 19:57

I've just read your update, sorry you're still going through this. Keep strong!

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 27/08/2021 23:26

So she has messaged me again.

Backstory, on my birthday I put up some photos of our day on fb and tagged my husband and DS, GF obviously saw this and for whatever reason blocked me (again, she blocks me whenever something happens that she doesn't like even tho I have literally no contact with her)

Yesterday she messaged to ask what I'm buying for DS birthday (which is two+ months away), I responded with "not sure yet" and she replied to "let her know then and btw she will be taking DS out for his birthday"

We're not responding. She was always going to be invited to whatever we did with him so he could have everyone together but I'll leave it in DS hands now. He will predictably choose her.
So he'll probably wake up, expect presents from us and then go see her for the whole day/night.

To explain, Birthdays are important in our family, we always try and do something really fun together and I always make a surprise (elaborate) cake for the kids.
Last year GF made DS cake (then complained she didn't get enough praise for it).

It makes me so sad, for us and for DS, I know he feels stuck in the middle and it must be so hard for him, but we've completely dropped the rope so I'm not sure how he feels stuck, from our side at least.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 00:39

Block her on everything. Don't give her the power over you too. Flowers

olderwiserbereal · 28/08/2021 06:34

I really really feel for you. I have a 23 year old and a 12 year old. Not sure that I would continue to do what you are doing. You are being very supportive and your son is old enough to think and appreciate what you, his family are all doing for him.His younger siblings no longer have any meaningful relationship with their brother either. He allows himself to be cowered by her and will further develop even stronger co-dependency traits. He realises things are not what they should be and simply think gf is difficult but you are all supposed to put with it because you are all willing to, just to be able to see him. Very entitled. His life with her spent like this with you all tiptoeing around this relationship will become the norm until she dumps him. I can see it happening. He will lose the ability to be the one standing up for himself or you(family) until she decides she wants to move on with someone 'better' and more suited to her demands. She is thoroughly sick. OP, this is affecting your family so much. Will you just carry on like this and wait for the inevitable to happen? I believe your son will be able to heal from this toxicity if he breaks this up, not when he is dumped.

StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 28/08/2021 09:37

I would love to get hold of that girl and give her a good shake. Absolute wagon. Maybe do your ds birthday the day before in your home? Surprise him with cake and a meal or something and then just give him the gifts the day of his birthday before he heads off to her?

cooldarkroom · 28/08/2021 10:04

I wonder if you should ask him, if he intends to spend any part of his birthday with you.
because why would you make a big deal of it, & loads of presents?
Historically he has been living with you & participating in his family.
But now, he has checked out & changed camp, he has dropped you, school, work, sport & friends & had got himself a shit girlfriend instead.
Does he still get "recompensed" with gifts?
I think I would offer to pay for some driving driving lessons, if he doesn't book them, he doesn't get the money.
Yes he will expect more, but he needs to learn you don't get presents if you don't deserve them.

Orgasmagorical · 28/08/2021 11:20

She wants to know what you've got planned so she can do better. She wants to show him how much effort she's put in; how crap you are - you obviously don't care about him as much as she does or else you'd have made more effort; how indebted and grateful he should be to her for her efforts; poor her she's done all this for him and he doesn't even appreciate it (even if he bends over backwards thanking her).

Whatever she does for his birthday I can almost guarantee she will punish him in some way, just because it's his birthday and that's taking the attention away from her, as she sees it.

notapizzaeater · 28/08/2021 11:26

I think she's making sure YOU know that she's taking him out as a snub to you, to show how much control she's got. She's a real class act !

Justilou1 · 28/08/2021 18:20

She is horrible. How dare she order you not to make any plans?!? I’m assuming you’re on lockdown anyway.

Parsley1234 · 28/08/2021 18:28

God I can’t believe this piece of work is still going your poor son and your poor family