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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Justilou1 · 01/07/2021 01:40

Also, I would ask him to have a word to her to please stay away from your property as well.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/07/2021 04:47

@CatNoBag

As you say, it's likely the father, girlfriend and probably your son have already had some sort of discussion about the trip, which leaves you in an impossible situation. I'd reply to the father saying as much - that as he's indicated he's willing to have him come along, your left without much choice in the matter due the predictable behaviour that will ensue from his daughter, and that whatever you say your life will be made difficult again so why is he even bothering asking you?
I like this response. DH has already answered and just said We we're going away too and hoping DS would come with us, that we would discuss and get back to him.

We might try and reword your response though @CatNoBag so we're still not the ones making the decision and it's on DS.
We predict DS will go with them, not come with us or if he does she will harass him constantly as per usual.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 01/07/2021 04:56

Yes it's a good response.. glad your Husband replied.. kinda keeps you out of the equation..

this family GF/mum/dad are pretty fucking insidious the whole lot of them OP. 🌸

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2021 05:52

Just re-found this thread - sorry it's all still rumbling on!
It's good that your DS is striking out a little on his own, but she's still very much got him chained to her, hasn't she :(

She's probably threatened to dump him if he goes out with his friends, because "none of them like her" (surprise!) and it will be disloyal to her if he does.

I hope that the covid restrictions don't tighten further while they're away, meaning that he'd have to stay away for 14 days due to self-isolation. I know it's school holidays, but we have made a decision to go nowhere, even though our area isn't exactly in lockdown, but because new cases are popping up all over at the moment, we can't take the risk that we'd go somewhere and then not be able to get back home.

The reason I came looking for your thread was a news item about 2 teens in Nevada. Up to you whether you go looking for it, I imagine you can guess what it was about :(

I wouldn't eat the chocolates she brought over, either!

Yutes · 01/07/2021 06:18

Don’t think the Op is in the UK @ThumbWitchesAbroad

Shelby2010 · 01/07/2021 07:01

Is your family holiday before or after theirs? If it’s after yours then I would be tempted to make his going conditional on her not harassing him whilst on holiday with you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2021 09:11

@Yutes

Don’t think the Op is in the UK *@ThumbWitchesAbroad*
No, she's in Australia, as am I!
Yutes · 01/07/2021 09:21

My bad. Sorry @ThumbWitchesAbroad

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2021 09:26

All good :)

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/07/2021 09:28

I'm tempted to say no as he mentioned they're going regardless and that way he can listen to her tantrum but I know that's not the best way to respond.
They're are going for 4days and getting back either the day we leave or the day before (we haven't decided). We don't even know where they are going.

I think we will reply that it's "best to ask DS as we're damned if we do and damned if we don't"
I'd love to say more to him about GF but that feeds her narrative about me/us so probably shouldn't.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)
OP posts:
Justilou1 · 01/07/2021 10:25

They don’t even have the courtesy to tell you where the fuck they’re planning on taking your offspring? Fuuuuck! No manners!

Selttan · 01/07/2021 10:30

Any chance you can use COVID as an excuse and the recent outbreaks in australia have you concerned?

Justkeepleft · 01/07/2021 10:42

@workworkworkugh

I'm tempted to say no as he mentioned they're going regardless and that way he can listen to her tantrum but I know that's not the best way to respond. They're are going for 4days and getting back either the day we leave or the day before (we haven't decided). We don't even know where they are going.

I think we will reply that it's "best to ask DS as we're damned if we do and damned if we don't"
I'd love to say more to him about GF but that feeds her narrative about me/us so probably shouldn't.

Very rude not to mention where they are going. Has DS mentioned it to you? That is a bit strange too. Like you are planning he has to make his own choice. It is a wonder he is not nudging you along, which I see as a gain on your part. You and dh are doing a great job.
Feduppluckingmychinhairs · 01/07/2021 10:43

I have followed your posts from the start @workworkworkugh and I have to say you have remained very dignified and level headed throughout this nightmare. Your DS knows no matter what happens he has a safe place to return to. I hope this soon comes to an end for you all

Orgasmagorical · 01/07/2021 11:06

We don't even know where they are going.

That's worrying, do you feel able to ask the father, Workworkwork?

Beefcurtains79 · 01/07/2021 11:11

Doesn’t his girlfriend have any mates?
What weirdos she and her family are.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/07/2021 11:14

DH asked where they were going after I posted and they are going 6hrs away.
Where we are and where they are going there are no restrictions so cannot use that as an excuse.
She only has two close friends and DS has told me (a while ago) he understands why she doesn't have many friends as she's told him she doesn't even like them.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2021 12:35

If you haven't already responded, I wouldn't use the "damned if we do/don't" words - more something like "you'll have to ask DS as he'll do whatever he wants regardless of what we think about it".

StoneMap · 01/07/2021 12:45

I also have been following your story, and feel your agony. Your 'grey rocking' method is working, albeit slowly, but steadily.

You will end up being blamed all over again if you say no. I would let DS decide. I would maintain the conversation with DS light and breezy. However, I would make a few points clear 'politely' to the GF's father, without directly naming and blaming GF. Not sure how to phrase it, but something along... "Just in case you are not aware, we are in the middle of trying to give DS stability and a sense of normalcy, following such an abnormal and stressful state he has been in over the past months. So you can see that it's not a perfect timing, and we don't feel it wise, either. But we will let DS decide. Will you please make sure that this trip won't trigger a mayhem just like the one they had following the last trip in XXX, regardless which week? We strongly believe that any relationship or friendship should be based upon respect and trust, not on control, blame and threats. Lastly, please make 100% sure that there will be no pregnancy."

SingToTheSky · 01/07/2021 13:11

Can’t believe this is still going on :( 💐 I have nothing useful to add but you are being very strong 💐

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/07/2021 18:28

@StoneMap

I also have been following your story, and feel your agony. Your 'grey rocking' method is working, albeit slowly, but steadily.

You will end up being blamed all over again if you say no. I would let DS decide. I would maintain the conversation with DS light and breezy. However, I would make a few points clear 'politely' to the GF's father, without directly naming and blaming GF. Not sure how to phrase it, but something along... "Just in case you are not aware, we are in the middle of trying to give DS stability and a sense of normalcy, following such an abnormal and stressful state he has been in over the past months. So you can see that it's not a perfect timing, and we don't feel it wise, either. But we will let DS decide. Will you please make sure that this trip won't trigger a mayhem just like the one they had following the last trip in XXX, regardless which week? We strongly believe that any relationship or friendship should be based upon respect and trust, not on control, blame and threats. Lastly, please make 100% sure that there will be no pregnancy."

Or maybe just 'It would be nice if she didn't issue death threats after this holiday like she did last time.'
NeedMoreTea · 01/07/2021 22:23

Well I never thought I'd be quite so spot on with the "let's rock up with chocolate and they'll let us go on holiday together again" prediction. Am I allowed to shout bingo?

I'm sorry you're in yet another difficult position. I think you've got some good advice already above, but I suspect whatever you say to her parents about her behaviour/ pregnancy will fall on deaf ears.

Were you planning on going away for the family holiday on the same dates as this holiday with her dad? If not, do you think DS would accept that you're happy for him to go away with her but you would really love him to come on the family holiday as well?

Then you need to find a holiday spot with really bad mobile phone coverage so she can't text him constantly while you're away.

TomNookk · 01/07/2021 23:59

sounds like an awful family

Sssloou · 02/07/2021 01:14

Play it cool.

Don’t load any bullets in the GFs gun by saying anything to her DF.

I would however try to jiggle your own holiday so that he is able to come - I think that’s very important for the long game.

Don’t let any of them sense your frustration - it’s just energy that will inadvertently fuel drama in their relationship.

You are doing great. Resist any urges to be snippy or passive aggressive with any of them because this will only be ammunition which will backfire.

Get your angries out in another way.

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/07/2021 11:36

Lastly, please make 100% sure that there will be no pregnancy I would definitely say this - may change his mind about inviting your son Grin