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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
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6
Mix56 · 03/07/2021 09:03

He should come on holiday with you, if not the gf & he will be together, probably in your house, 24/7 while you are away☹️

contrary13 · 05/07/2021 15:12

The thing about GF having no actual friends is undoubtedly why she's separated your son from his, @workworkworkugh - she's unable to comprehend the basic relationship of it all. The shared experiences, the comaraderie, the fact that when you have close friends, you can turn to them when you need a little bolstering or a shoulder to lean/cry on.

As I've said before, my daughter (24) has a diagnosis of NPD with traits of EUPD thrown in for "good" measure. When she was your son and the girlfriend's age, she didn't have any friends. Those she hung around with at school, openly reviled her when it came to parties and trips into town. As a mother, it was heartbreaking to watch her upset, yet at the same time, also because I knew why. It was entirely her own doing. When she started dating, the first boyfriend (at school) was seeing her for a dare, the second actually ghosted her, the third ran away to the other end of the country, and the fourth...? Well, I fully suspect she's lied to him about her illness and about me (she likes to claim that I'm abusive towards her - when actually, it's the other way around), so we've met once, briefly, and I was threatened with not telling him the truth about her. Every boyfriend she has, she decides she's going to marry after a few weeks of dating - this one, she's planning on buying a 4-bedroom house, marrying, and refusing to allow his small child to even visit "her" (ie, my daughter's) home. The boyfriend is pretty weak-willed and from what I can gather, very much enables my daughter's delusions of "happily ever after". She is also doing her utmost to separate him from his mates, by spending every free moment with him - and she complains bitterly when he sees his own daughter for 4 hours a week. I know it's not going to end well. I suspect your son's girlfriends parents know that their relationship isn't going to end well.

But end, it will, at one point or another. And you're doing the absolute right thing. I'm still flabbergasted by the lack of attention/support this girl's parents are actually paying to her/her life - the father truly believes that two 16 year olds aren't having sex?! It's remarkable... but also might explain a bit as to why her behaviour is so repulsive. If her own parents aren't paying her the attention that she believes she deserves - she will seek it elsewhere. And even bad attention, as we know from having raised toddlers, is attention at the end of the day. Perhaps she sees, in you, OP, the parents she actually craves her own to be? Hence the steady incline of threats/bad behaviour and then the mild apologies which you know she doesn't really mean.

Stand firm. Because as the mother of a PD girl, myself, I truly wish the latest boyfriend's parents were more like you, rather than buying into my daughter's fantasies as to how cruel and unusual I've "always been" towards her.

TomNookk · 07/07/2021 00:22

hope all is well op

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 07/07/2021 11:27

I really would have thought this would have worn itself out by now. I'm sorry you are still dealing with it.

SofiaMichelle · 09/07/2021 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DPotter · 09/07/2021 13:25

Well Sofia - it's a view.

Not a particularly helpful one and probably quite a distressing one given work's often stated intention to stand by her son, but it's a view nevertheless.

SofiaMichelle · 09/07/2021 13:52

@DPotter

Well Sofia - it's a view.

Not a particularly helpful one and probably quite a distressing one given work's often stated intention to stand by her son, but it's a view nevertheless.

You're right. I've asked for it to be deleted. I'm just so bloody frustrated on OP's behalf.

Apologies.

unim · 11/07/2021 10:43

How are you doing, OP?

Been thinking about this thread and feeling really sorry for you. I had my difficult moments as a teenager and must have put my parents through a lot, but this is another level really.

workworkworkugh · 12/07/2021 11:05

We're ok, thanks for asking.
He went away with GF as her dad and seemed to have a good time.
He told me he was worried about coming away with us after what happened last time so there was a bit of an issue around that but he came with us in the end.

He moped around the first day on his phone a lot, He said later on that she was a 'bit shitty' with him the first day but 'realised she was being silly' and by late the second day he was our old DS and he actually involved himself and had a good time (turns out the time period when he was in a good mood was when she was at work, coincidence 🙄)

Anyway, we got to go away and have a nice time as a family which was much needed.
Now back into normal routine.

Next to tackle is his best mates birthday/party which is also the day before their 1year anniversary so we think that will be an issue and then my birthday which I think will also be a problem. Will wait and see I guess, nothing surprises me anymore.

OP posts:
PeskyPurdy · 12/07/2021 11:12

I've been following / lurking since the beginning OP and logged on purely for this thread! I was hoping to have seen a good ending (for you and your DS) by now but sadly not :(

Stay strong!!

QueenBee52 · 12/07/2021 12:28

@workworkworkugh

Im surprised and very pleased He came on the family holiday...

He can see what this is ... how she behaves.. the time when he manages his choices to manage her behaviour will hopefully come to an end soon...

glad you had a good time 🌸💕

chasingmytail4 · 12/07/2021 20:01

Just to say, I think you're doing great @workworkworkugh. It must be so frustrating, but, by keeping calm every time she gives him grief, you are showing him how normal life should be. Actions are so much more powerful that words. Keep on keeping on. Flowers

prettybird · 12/07/2021 22:41

Well done for keeping your cool.

Hope both his best mate's birthday and your (his mum's Wink) birthday go well ThanksCake

Justilou1 · 13/07/2021 04:20

I actually see his comments as the very beginnings of pushback. He’s acknowledging that he’s not thrilled that she’s “shitty”. There are so many ways he could have minimised her behaviour, but he didn’t. It’s going to be a slow extrication, (as though from a cult brainwashing experience) but this is actually happening, I think.

Sssloou · 13/07/2021 12:39

This is a really good update - look how far you have all come from him being hysterical, living there, abuse of you.

That was a very dark place with seemingly no end in sight.

Now your boy is home, joining in, recognising “shitty” behaviors for what they are. He is out of his traumatised head space and getting some perspective and next step will be him putting in boundaries.....all because you have remained calm, consistent and loving - showing him again and again what real authentic emotionally healthy behaviours are and by not getting drawn in you don’t give it power or get goaded or triggered inadvertently into any “shitty” behaviors - so now it’s crystal clear for him to see where the shit lies.

Take each day as it comes - keep up your amazing effort - it will pay off.

Really delighted that you had some fun as a family of 5 again - that’s really wonderful.

Twoforthree · 14/07/2021 00:27

@Sssloou

This is a really good update - look how far you have all come from him being hysterical, living there, abuse of you.

That was a very dark place with seemingly no end in sight.

Now your boy is home, joining in, recognising “shitty” behaviors for what they are. He is out of his traumatised head space and getting some perspective and next step will be him putting in boundaries.....all because you have remained calm, consistent and loving - showing him again and again what real authentic emotionally healthy behaviours are and by not getting drawn in you don’t give it power or get goaded or triggered inadvertently into any “shitty” behaviors - so now it’s crystal clear for him to see where the shit lies.

Take each day as it comes - keep up your amazing effort - it will pay off.

Really delighted that you had some fun as a family of 5 again - that’s really wonderful.

Agree
TeaDrinker98 · 14/07/2021 00:39

You poor thing, OP Flowers

Standrewsschool · 14/07/2021 06:07

Thanks for the update. Glad you had a good holiday.

KnightandDay · 14/07/2021 17:21

Sounds like you'd a good holiday OP, hope things continue to improve!

FunMcCool · 14/07/2021 17:43

Gosh this one tear relationship has more ups and downs than most 40 year marriages!

@workworkworkugh I think you’re handling this all so well.

workworkworkugh · 18/07/2021 08:18

Well we've hit the one year anniversary. We've also gone back into lockdown so the mates party and his sports were cancelled so she had him all to herself. We all know she was giving him a hard time over the party.
Despite lockdown, her parents are still happy to have him there so he stayed at the Mums last night.

On their social media posts, one of his mates wrote 'ring?' And she replied "you bet I got one"
The story there is she wanted a ring from him a few anniversaries ago (they buy presents for each other every month) and he didn't buy one so she got mad at him. She's got it now.

This is going to make me sound childish I know, but I rarely dislike people and am always nice and polite (aka people pleaser) but I truly hate her and I struggle to be fake/fake it, I can't stand to think that this could go on for years and I'm going to have to plaster a smile on my face Sad

OP posts:
legosnowqueen · 18/07/2021 09:34

What a shame about his mate's party & the sporting activity. I really feel for you, not surprised you feel like that...I'd also really resent her parents' facilitating role & hate them too so you're a better person than me 😀 stay calm & composed like you have been, & hope this burns out soon...

Lockdownbear · 18/07/2021 10:05

Op been reading along but not got much to contribute.

Ah but was it the type of ring she wanted? My guess is she wants an engagement ring.

Hopefully this relationship will burn itself out fairly soon. But you'll have been thinking that for a year.

Lockdownbear · 18/07/2021 10:17

Have you asked him what the attraction is to her? Love shouldn't be so much hard work demanding gifts just isn't nice either.

The comment about her only having two friends but doesn't really like them. I'd try to open that conversation up a bit. She only has one BF how does he honestly know she loves him and isn't just putting up with him because there is nobody else just like her friends.

workworkworkugh · 18/07/2021 10:22

@Lockdownbear she told him the ring she wanted, it wasn't too expensive but he doesn't work now so used his savings.

I'm barely allowed to talk to him about anything these days (unless he's in a good mood and opens up but that's random and hard to tell). School, work and the gf are all touchy subjects and that's all he does anymore.

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