My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

We haven't asked him as yet but would place money on the fact he will definitely want to go.

@QueenBee52

ask him if he wants to go... let him go.. wave him off

step right back OP .. 🌸

Agree with this & with PP saying you will just be blamed if you say no.

However it would be perfectly reasonable to say regardless if he goes or not you expect him to come on family holiday. And focus on making that super fun and a contrast to his relationship.

DS must know, the gf will have asked her dad if you can come & he will have said he'd ask you.

What if you don't answer ?

I think you & your dh are amazing & doing the right thing letting this play out, keeping your front door open and still keeping your rules in place when he is home, because when this ends & I'm pretty confident it will your son will need the stability that you offer more than ever. Stay strong

Does the holiday explain her visit last Friday with the chocolates? It seems very convenient timing.

I would wait for your DS to ask you if he can go on holiday. If you say yes to her Dad your DS will have no choice as his GF will hound him to go. If you don’t respond immediately and then wait for DS.to ask you, you can give him the option of refusing so he doesn’t have to.

Does the holiday explain her visit last Friday with the chocolates? It seems very convenient timing.

it is rather 🤔

I agree with others tell him (DS) it’s his decision. I wouldn’t even bother responding. Ask DS, if he says yes then he can let the dad know he’s going, if he says no, again he can let the dad know. He wants to be treat like an adult then he can take up these responsibilities.

How tedious.

There is always something.

I would tell him he has been invited but importantly suggest he takes a little time to think about it and offer to provide a cover if he doesn’t want to go.

I would stipulate your expectation that he attends his own family’s holiday - but be ready for drama of him not going or wanting her to come with your family or her disrupting your break with a manufactured drama or stressful phone calls.

Just keep the same cool, calm, collected and boundaried approach.

Im in agreement with the others, ask DS if he wants to go. Ultimately, you've said you can't stop him, so I'd be weighing up the value of saying no when it likely has no impact VS telling DS its up to him but obviously he'd be paying his own way. Suck the air out of the drama they want to create, disengage from the conversation but as always let him know you'll miss him during whatever fun family stuff you happen to plan for the same weekend.

I'd text back 'I have no problem with him going, feel free to ask him directly'

They want to put you in the position of puppet master who is desperate to break them up at every chance. Don't be drawn into even discussing it, with the dad or with your ds.

Lots of 'that's nice, dear' then carry on washing up or whatever

I think itwa response is a good one. I would be very tempted to ask if he is going to chaperone to ensure they aren't having sexual relations seeing he thinks they are both still virgins

@itwa

I'd text back 'I have no problem with him going, feel free to ask him directly'

They want to put you in the position of puppet master who is desperate to break them up at every chance. Don't be drawn into even discussing it, with the dad or with your ds.

Lots of 'that's nice, dear' then carry on washing up or whatever

I'd go with this approach - you guys have done so well Op, stay strong!

@itwa

I'd text back 'I have no problem with him going, feel free to ask him directly'

They want to put you in the position of puppet master who is desperate to break them up at every chance. Don't be drawn into even discussing it, with the dad or with your ds.

Lots of 'that's nice, dear' then carry on washing up or whatever

Yip... this is good

We already know he will go with her/them, he won't even hesitate. And whoever said this is right, he probably does already know, this will have been discussed between them already and the dad is just asking us out of politeness.
The dad pays for DS, for everything, so we don't need to give him money and DS doesn't need to save.
Oh and we already know she will harass him if he we're to come away with us, even if he goes with her as well and does both, she's done it every time he's been with us for a special occasion/family function.

Someone said it earlier and DH and I had already mentioned this to each other, it feels like there's always something, we just don't get a break!

Would the current covid lockdowns and heightened restrictions around you be a way to decide him going is not a great idea at this time?

Someone said it earlier and DH and I had already mentioned this to each other, it feels like there's always something, we just don't get a break!

I agree... lets be honest we're blaming the GF but it's Her parents too .. your whole family is being gripped by the throat by them.

It's awful 🌸

They (the dad) has put you in yet another tricky situation. I think I'd leave it up to DS but tell him you don't expect repeat behaviour like last time.

You have already been painted into a corner by that spineless SOB. I would reply that you knew something was up when GF turned up at your house as though nothing had ever happened. You are deeply suspicious that DS Is already aware of these plans and you don’t think that this is in his best interests at the moment. You would like him to man up and brave a holiday with his own child without using yours as a buffer.

I'd let him go, on the proviso that he then comes away with you afterwards with no moaning/difficulties. All said to your son directly with a smile.

They have all been plotting behind your back about this though, including your son. I bet he knows the dad has text you.

I’d let him go. I think at this point I’d be just taking a hand off approach and a massive step back. Your son is probably being abused but I also think he’s quite abusive to you as well.

I would enjoy telling her father, In view of him facilitating this situation, he should ensure that his daughter has appropriate birth control.

As you say, it's likely the father, girlfriend and probably your son have already had some sort of discussion about the trip, which leaves you in an impossible situation. I'd reply to the father saying as much - that as he's indicated he's willing to have him come along, your left without much choice in the matter due the predictable behaviour that will ensue from his daughter, and that whatever you say your life will be made difficult again so why is he even bothering asking you?

@CatNoBag

As you say, it's likely the father, girlfriend and probably your son have already had some sort of discussion about the trip, which leaves you in an impossible situation. I'd reply to the father saying as much - that as he's indicated he's willing to have him come along, your left without much choice in the matter due the predictable behaviour that will ensue from his daughter, and that whatever you say your life will be made difficult again so why is he even bothering asking you?

I like this!!!

I'd text back "what did ds say when your DD asked him?".

Then wait for reply.

Basically as you say you have to let him go due to dynamics but you also want to basically answer how ds did/does and not give them any deviation from their script.

Actually, I like that idea… it also gives the GF the idea that she isn’t the first thing on yours or DS’s mind all the damn time. She’s so narcissistic, it wouldn’t occur to her that she’s not the sole topic of conversation in your house.