@workworkworkugh
Latest mini update.
Thursday wasn't the best day. DH and I have been doing so well in keeping our emotions and frustrations in check but Thursday it blew up a little bit.
We're pretty annoyed with ourselves as it feels like it sets us back. It's so frustrating though, DS just refuses to engage in any conversation, particularly about GF but also anything else if he feels like we 'have an agenda', when it's usually just us trying to have a conversation.
He was pretty rude to me and I was a bit upset and DH had just had enough and called him out on it.
DS still blames me for nearly everything that's happened and I did question why I'm held to a different standard compared to GF and her mum. (I know, I know, I should've just kept my mouth shut but it does wear you down over time).
Anyway, that aside, completely randomly GF told DS she was coming over to our house last night (Friday night).
I happened to have a work function on so wasn't home.
She apparently came in like nothing happened, gave DH a box of chocolates and had some chocolates for our other DS and stayed for an hour (it was after her work shift so pretty late).
We did ask DS why now after all this time, as she hasn't been over or barely seen us since October but he gave the standard answer of 'I don't know'.
It's actually really thrown us. We can't work out any reasoning or motive for her to suddenly come over. We feel like something is coming but maybe we're just too suspicious and on edge.
I mean, it was only on Monday that she was telling DS that she had the best day without him and realised how much she doesn't need him in her life anymore (because he went to work experience).
This bit is the most important.
In addition, what her mother said - encouraging him to anticipate, absorb, internalise and tolerate her toxicity and volatility is shocking. She is emotionally injuring your DS. He is carrying so much in this highly abusive RS that he is entangled in. He is expected to be the emotional punch bag of this unstable girl - I am sure that the parents are delighted that he has stepped into the ring to take the blows instead of them.
Looks like he has endured a week of emotional violence, bullying and threats.
He is likely exhausted, preoccupied and raw from this - so at the end of his tether and so flips out at you rather than her.
Hurt people, hurt people.
This doesn’t mean his behaviour is acceptable - it just means that if you can look behind his immediate behaviours, to explore and explain them, to understand where he is at emotionally, you might be able to see him more compassionately and then choose to respond to him in a different way.
I expect he has little emotional capacity left and any questioning or demands is too much right now. He has been pushed and pulled for nearly a year and all of his usual emotionally balancing and nourishing activities and outlets (friends, family, school, work, privacy, mental downtime) which help him cope with normal life, have been removed - so he has no emotional sustenance or fuel left in the tank.
Him flipping out at you is not acceptable but there is another response option which isn’t a tense, terse, angry outburst which is counterproductive. A calm, considered, de-escalation approach is needed.
Opposite to Michele Obama - when he goes high - you go low. Take the emotional temperature right down, don’t engage at this level, ask him to calm himself - if he is unable to, say that you are leaving for 5 minutes and are happy to discuss in an assertive, adult, calm, collaborative and cooperative way.
Model these skills for him.
It’s not a straight line - don’t lose hope - it will take time for him to untangle his mind and work a way out of this. He can only do this in a calm, supportive environment. You need the patience of a saint for this so make sure you fuel up emotionally at this very difficult time for your family.
Just continue to be light, compassionate, calm, listening (to his actions and moods - need words less) warm, loving but also boundaried, assertive and firm - no need for angry outbursts and confrontation (he gets enough of that from her) and it will drive him back to her.
He has come home because it’s emotionally safe and supportive.
Keep showing him your home is a contrast to his existence with her.
She is v unstable and enabled by her parents. Your DS is taking the brunt of this and then it passes on to you. So you need to not be triggered by his emotions. I would see him as a wounded, confused and disoriented animal that is snapping at the RSPCA who are trying to save it from danger.
Be careful not to chase him back to the danger.