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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Sssloou · 14/06/2021 21:30

Maybe he needs to just gather and settle his emotions for a bit - sort of reflection and he has chosen to do it at your home. He might still be reverberating but it looks like he is taking some emotional space.

I suspect the emotion has dissipated now that you have dropped the rope and are indifferent - they might soon get bored with each other.

Try not to be anxious that something is brewing because he might sense that. Just keep up the light, fun, social stuff with family and friends - so he can be reminded of the simple consistent pleasures in life before the psycho drama kicked off.

Justilou1 · 15/06/2021 01:41

If he is not seeing his friends, I have concerns that perhaps he is depressed. We all know that hanging out and waiting for the GF to become available or contact him is unhealthy. Organizing work experience is a fabulous step, but counselling is vital too. Is that still happening?

workworkworkugh · 15/06/2021 07:33

@Justilou1 we are worried too and a teacher at his school that knows what's been happening has also been encouraging him to attend counselling. Unfortunately because of his age it's not something we can enforce, it has to be his choice.
He has been playing and speaking with a couple of his friends over the Xbox but hasn't made any attempts to see them in person.

We're also slowly trying to get him back to work as when he tried to quit his manager told him to take a month off and then contact them as they didn't want to lose him as they think he's a great worker, so we're working on that as well.

There's still things we're concerned about and would love to get it all 'fixed' at once but are trying not to bombard him, so taking it one issue at a time. Baby steps.

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 15/06/2021 07:40

If she is working, why do you think he won’t?

Ohfudgeme · 15/06/2021 08:18

Do they work together?

Justilou1 · 15/06/2021 10:53

Thank goodness his manager is supportive @workworkworkugh! That’s wonderful! These sound like positive steps. I have a 16yo DD who is dealing with a rough situation at school also in Aus and understand what you can and can’t force here too. I hope he sees sense and returns to work and his friends. I hope they don’t give up on him. Knowing teenage boys, they won’t. They’re amazingly loyal critters. (Much more so than girls of the same age - which works in your favour!)
I agree that baby steps are the way.

itwa · 15/06/2021 13:47

Well done on baby steps. I would imagine your ds is emotionally exhausted after the last few months and will just need to reboot his energy levels.

I just wanted to say well done Thanks

NettleTea · 15/06/2021 17:00

@Twoforthree

If she is working, why do you think he won’t?
I assume she just about trusts him when he is at home, but doesnt want him leaving the house
Sssloou · 16/06/2021 17:23

@itwa

Well done on baby steps. I would imagine your ds is emotionally exhausted after the last few months and will just need to reboot his energy levels.

I just wanted to say well done Thanks

I think this is the case. I understand that his behavior has been problematic for you all - but if she is as you describe then he is in an emotionally abusive RS and will have lost his sense of self, agency and could slip into a depression confused by the intensity of what he has been through - although he may not be aware of this.

It’s unusual that he has stopped his job - almost a withdrawal - did the GF recently start there?

Is he still keeping up with his sports?

He might also be v uncomfortable going back to his friends if he dropped them all months ago for her.

Just keep being patient and supportive and trust that he will come through.

Take care of yourself.

Sssloou · 16/06/2021 17:32

Oh I see that the GF recently started at his workplace and she wanted to quit as well. Might be another example of her engulfing and controlling him?

TomNookk · 17/06/2021 21:47

nothing useful to say but you are doing so well

QueenBee52 · 18/06/2021 18:24

@Sssloou

Oh I see that the GF recently started at his workplace and she wanted to quit as well. Might be another example of her engulfing and controlling him?

possibly.. she sounds very manipulative 🌸

Sally872 · 19/06/2021 08:55

Glad to hear he is still at home and really admire how you are handling everything. You are right baby steps and it seems to be working. Hopefully he will think about seeing friends again soon. Great news about work experience!

Fieldsofstars · 19/06/2021 23:13

Baby steps sounds like a great approach. I hope it’s working!

workworkworkugh · 20/06/2021 01:46

Yes the GF started working at DS workplace around the time of the "kill your mum" message incident. I did hear that she was applying at other places so thought she was leaving but she is still there.
DS is still not working there but will be doing work experience this week in the field he is interested in and hopefully that will lead to an apprenticeship otherwise we will encourage him to keep his job.

He has stated to us many times that he doesn't want to be at school, he's a smart kid and doing advanced maths classes but he hates school. We are supportive of him leaving and ask if he hates it so much why is he still there but he won't answer (aka it's because of her).

We've had another reasonably good week.
He did sleepover at her Mums house last night. The Dad messaged us to let us know he is ok with it as he has been told and believes that while they are sleeping in the same bedroom, they have separate beds 🤦🏻‍♀️ I just can't with his naivety, but that's his issue I guess.

As for the future, we can't see this ending anytime soon. Some posters have suggested that he (or she) might meet someone else but they both don't go anywhere or do anything for that to even happen.
It's not like he sees his friends and she gets mad so he starts to realise it's not ok, as he just doesn't see anyone. When I'm feeling a certain way I can't see a way out of this for DS, he'll probably be with her forever as he doesn't and won't know any different.

And when I'm feeling another way, I sort of feel sorry for her.
I think part of all this is she was jealous of DS and my close relationship and that he has a larger family and she doesn't have any of that, so instead of integrating herself into our family and we certainly would have welcomed her (and did try) she went the opposite way and tried to make DS just like her, with no family and just them two.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 20/06/2021 02:02

Its sounds utterly intolerable, but as you say, it looks like it's forever as he is as committed to her as she is to him..

I despair at the thought of his quality of life with her.. imagine what his life will be like with her given an engagement/wedding/child..

she sounds like poison.. but until he sees it... sadly this is his life for now.

OP how are you and your Husband, how is your mental wellbeing, are you looking after yourself, and allowing yourself to step back and breathe ... be kind to yourself 🌸

Justilou1 · 20/06/2021 09:23

Well… you sound like you’re getting sucked into the narrative. Well done. WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT HER FAMILY OR EVEN YOURS IF EVERYONE IS LIVING ON A RAZOR’S EDGE BECAUSE OF A 15 YEAR OLD?

Stop justifying this to make it easier. It’s not ok. The responsibility lies with her parents who are not willing to stand up, so you bloody have to.

itsgettingwierd · 20/06/2021 16:40

Reading your latest post it sounds like she's less angry at him now as she now has him where she wants him.

He's no longer leaving her to go to work or meet his friends.

He's sat at home waiting for her to fit him into her life Sad

legosnowqueen · 20/06/2021 17:54

Sending you my sympathy & best wishes, just RTF & it is a terrible situation but you're handling it with dignity & kindness. Really hope it pays off Thanks are you in touch with any of his friends parents, would be great if he could reconnect with his friends....broadening his horizons...

workworkworkugh · 20/06/2021 22:25

@Justilou1 I'm not sure what you mean? Im not justifying anything?

@itsgettingwierd you're right, things do seem calmer because she has nothing to be mad at him about atm as he's not doing anything.
He did have a chat to me last night and told me a few things. I don't think he realised what he was doing/telling me as he just started chatting while he was busy. I didn't want to probe too much but took in what he was telling me and she hasn't changed at all, he's still trying to manage her moods.

@legosnowqueen I am friends with some of his mates parents but it would be really obvious to DS that I have interfered. He still speaks to them and messages them, just doesn't see them in person. They continually invite him to things and he just says no.

His best mate has an event coming up and he's already prepared the GF that he will be going, she's already not happy about it. It was one of the things we spoke about last night (in my comment above).

She is invited but he said she absolutely won't go, he also said that she, and I quote "hates everyone she basically comes into contact with and thinks everyone is an asshole, because Mum, it's all about her all the time".

OP posts:
legosnowqueen · 20/06/2021 22:50

Good his mates are sticking with it. Your last comments sounds like he might be seeing the light?

QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 00:45

She loathes anyone he cares for..

dangerous wee madam ..

you're doing amazingly well keeping calm @workworkworkugh 🌸

Justilou1 · 21/06/2021 05:33

@workworkworkugh - sorry, I felt like you were being swayed when you said you felt sorry for her. You were just understanding why she behaves like she does, but not remotely falling into her crap. I was thinking “OMG, Not after all this time!!!”
Glad he’s still in touch with his mates and also that they haven’t given up on getting him back from “The dark side!”

Sunbird24 · 21/06/2021 07:46

The best conversations on this are likely to happen when one or both of you is doing something else, as it feels less confrontational without eye contact. I hope you get many more of these little steps from him

MyOtherProfile · 21/06/2021 08:14

Wow it does sound like he is beginning to see the light. Here's hoping...