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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
itsgettingwierd · 01/06/2021 12:50

@7yo7yo

Call his friends round. Maybe he’ll enjoy their company and see what life is like without that much angst and conflict. Life before drama llama.
Like this idea.

Also think you sound like your treating his return correctly. He has a place in the home - not as head of it.

And if he wants to have a home where he gets to rule what goes on then he has his GF mums house to return to. As sounds like the dads backtracking too (which is good!)

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 13:04

I agree with the carrying on regardless..

He's home.. no party.. no fanfare..

He'll leave again and return again,

It's not all about him.

OP you are doing fantastic throughout this terrible situation.

SofiaMichelle · 01/06/2021 16:41

These threads have been an education in how we see teen boys and girls. A fifteen year old girl accused of being manipulative, holding sway over all the adults in her life, cruel and scheming, but the sixteen year old boy is some innocent to be mollycoddled and not aware of how hurtful he is being towards his family. All I see is a pair of spoilt kids playing adults off each other.

Whilst OP's son is behaving like an arse, I don't think you can in any way compare what we've heard about his behaviour with that of the GF.

Sending abusive threatening messages to OP? Encouraging her DS to kill her?

We know the girl is a manipulative psychopath.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/06/2021 18:17

I know you are getting individual counselling but have you considered family counselling?

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 19:29

These threads have been an education in how we see teen boys and girls. A fifteen year old girl accused of being manipulative, holding sway over all the adults in her life, cruel and scheming, but the sixteen year old boy is some innocent to be mollycoddled and not aware of how hurtful he is being towards his family. All I see is a pair of spoilt kids playing adults off each other.

this is appallingly inaccurate ...

KarmaNoMore · 01/06/2021 19:40

Well... a lot if teens play being adults but there are not many that ask their boyfriend/girlfriend to kill their mother...

He may be bad, but the girl would be a psychopath even if she was a male.

GettingItOutThere · 01/06/2021 19:52

now hes home op, i would stop doing everything for him! including washing/lifts etc. If he wants to be the big man with psycho Gf, stop helping him

Taliskerskye · 01/06/2021 20:21

Well genuinely the cracks are starting to show.
That’s a positive.

Sssloou · 02/06/2021 22:54

I expect all of your emotions have been turned inside out by this tumultuous, manipulative, enmeshed wrangling.

You have done well to step back and to step up so that you can see the messy toxic energy system that this other family dragged you in to.

Keep with the detached and calm approach - light and breezy but consistent boundaries.
This is what has worked for you and will continue to do so. I think having “the conversation” could well be counterproductive.

He will be disoriented and she will be on the ceiling so expect the tension to rise in your direction - but as you have dropped the rope it can’t reverberate from him to you and back again which is what feeds them.

Don’t walk on eggshells or let him sense any resentment from you from the last few months - because that will be you inadvertently giving energy to the system which will trigger him ricocheting between the houses.

This is a great step forward - but it still has a long way to play out yet and it is v fragile and volatile. The long game is required - hold your nerve. “The conversation” will have more impact when he is able to reflect in a calm and considered way - which is likely when he is many months out of this drama RS where he is hyper alert 24/7 and unable to properly emotionally process.

Be patient and bide your time. With abusive marriages / relationships the abused partner leaves and returns on average 7 times before the final time. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Just make your home fun, light, busy, social, outward looking, collaborative, consistent, contained, boundaried - a direct contrast to the demanding and controlling emotional rollercoaster at his GF home. Pace yourself.

JeffreyJefferson · 02/06/2021 23:17

hugs op

Houseofvelour · 02/06/2021 23:36

De-lurking to say I'm glad he came home.
Is the dad realising they're in a toxic relationship?

Thegoodandbadlife · 03/06/2021 00:41

Sorry if this has been asked before or it’s it an inappropriate questions but when he makes comments about you not loving him so you question him on why he thinks that so hopefully he can come back to what is real and not in his head/been put in there. It could be the start of him starting to really question things

Dillidilly · 03/06/2021 08:25

We know the girl is a manipulative psychopath

We know no such thing. Has this girl been given a formal diagnosis? No.
Comments like this are pure hysteria and fan the flames of a disturbing narrative about a young person none of you even know for sure actually exists, because this is an anonymous Internet forum.
I find these descriptions of any young person extremely inappropriate.

workworkworkugh · 03/06/2021 08:56

@Houseofvelour I don't think the dad realises that it's toxic, I think he finally realised that they're probably sleeping together and wasn't happy about that.

@Dillidilly as far fetched as this sounds, I can assure you it's all real. I understand what you're saying though.

OP posts:
Budapestdreams · 03/06/2021 08:59

Hope are things going OP?
How is your DS doing at the moment?

Tistheseason17 · 03/06/2021 12:24

@workworkworkugh
Hope you're doing OK. When's your next counselling apptmt? I think I'd be doing the same Flowers

Lockdownbear · 04/06/2021 00:04

How are things?

Justilou1 · 04/06/2021 03:18

Dad sounds like a bloody genius....

cameocat · 04/06/2021 07:30

I think it will be a case of 2 steps forward and at least 1 back. At least in the right direction though!

SofiaMichelle · 04/06/2021 11:42

@Dillidilly

We know the girl is a manipulative psychopath

We know no such thing. Has this girl been given a formal diagnosis? No.
Comments like this are pure hysteria and fan the flames of a disturbing narrative about a young person none of you even know for sure actually exists, because this is an anonymous Internet forum.
I find these descriptions of any young person extremely inappropriate.

I'm not sure where to start with this!

You're saying this person might not exist and it's 'extremely inappropriate' to describe what you deem to be a possibly imaginary person as a manipulative psycho?

Do you also have these thoughts when watching/reading fictional works?

Batshit!

Dillidilly · 04/06/2021 12:29

And yet the OP says she understands what I'm saying @SoftMichelle...

Dillidilly · 04/06/2021 12:44

Apologies, @SofiaMichelle

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/06/2021 06:51

HI @workworkworkugh - how's it going? Is your DS still with you or did he flounce off?

FuchMyLife · 06/06/2021 09:44

Urgh! Sending strength and patience xx

bottleofvodka · 06/06/2021 10:07

Hope you are doing ok op X