Page 10 | My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

workworkworkugh · 2021-05-14T21:24:32+00:00

Link to part 2: My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2 http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am]][[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2 i]]i_[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2 being_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2]] Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit. I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are [confused]

DorsetCamping · 31/05/2021 18:44

@Faranth

When you think he might be ready to talk - I just wanted to say that my DM used to sit in the bedroom with me, in the dark so we couldn't see each other, when she knew something was bothering me.

It made it so much easier to talk when I couldn't see her. It meant I wasn't as defensive as I wasn't trying to read her reaction. It was more like talking to myself iyswim, I could pretend she wasn't there.

Similarly I find that driving DS somewhere tends to take the pressure off and he is slightly less reluctant to open up.

CoraPirbright · 31/05/2021 18:58

Wonderful news OP! Best of luck keeping it all light. I would be bursting to say so much and probably all of it wrong so just wanted to say - you are doing SO well

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/05/2021 20:16

@EarlLeighIndamornin

I've followed all your threads.

Honestly, now he's home I'd take his phone off him.

As has been said before, the last thing that is needed now is for the "star-crossed lovers" scenario to kick in, with Romeo and Juliet being kept apart by Romeo's controlling parents.

SavoyCabbage · 31/05/2021 21:36

Honestly, now he's home I'd take his phone off him

What for? He hasn't done anything that he should be punished for by having his phone taken away, which is absolutely how it would be perceived by any teenager.

It would also create the drama that this relationship seems to need and he's going to see the girl at school anyway.

Tormundsbeard · 31/05/2021 22:33

So pleased he is home. Sending supporting thoughts your way.

Justilou1 · 01/06/2021 07:20

I do hope he isn’t punishing you because he doesn’t want to be back @workworkworkugh

Dashel · 01/06/2021 08:05

Really pleased he is home and you have had a hug.

I think your stance of plenty of space is the right way to go. I certainly wouldn’t take his phone off him,

I think I would possibly try and have a game night or hire an amazing film and get lots of snacks and see if you can tempt him to join in.

I hope that you don’t end up with him alternating a week at yours and a week at the mums house. I also hope that her parents don’t give in to the tantrums and threats that are probably going on from her.

Stay strong and positive x

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 01/06/2021 08:56

@Justilou1 ding ding ding, we have a winner! 😩😡
Last night was great, tonight we said something he didn't want to hear (just in convo not an argument) and he walked off saying he'd "just leave again".
Going to be a long road back, he seems to have so so much hatred for us!

He's also impossible to talk to about anything. Claims he's growing up and then becomes so unreasonable about everything, twisting everything we say and refusing to answer.
I'm actually starting to wonder if he has some type of PD or is he just learning from her.

OP posts:

Twoforthree · 01/06/2021 09:02

His emotions are bound to be swinging back and forth. He’s still under her spell.
You’ve just got to roll with it unfortunately. I would try my best to make home a stress free, pleasant environment and not mention her at all. If you put pressure on him, even unintentionally, he’s going to get defensive.

Tistheseason17 · 01/06/2021 09:27

OP, was there even a hint of this type of behaviour from DS before he met GF?

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 01/06/2021 09:32

@Tistheseason17 he could be a bit moody and sometimes didn't want to talk etc like a normal 14/15yo but not at all like how he is now.

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 01/06/2021 09:37

@workworkworkugh
She's really done one on him, hasn't she. I'm not sure what I'd do as I'm the sort that sometimes reacts in the moment and could possibly tell him to go live with them if he likes it better there! You can still be cross with him and love him, too

Notaroadrunner · 01/06/2021 09:42

[quote workworkworkugh]@Justilou1 ding ding ding, we have a winner! 😩😡
Last night was great, tonight we said something he didn't want to hear (just in convo not an argument) and he walked off saying he'd "just leave again".
Going to be a long road back, he seems to have so so much hatred for us!

He's also impossible to talk to about anything. Claims he's growing up and then becomes so unreasonable about everything, twisting everything we say and refusing to answer.
I'm actually starting to wonder if he has some type of PD or is he just learning from her.[/quote]
So he's still being manipulative. Don't rise to it. Tell him he's welcome to stay or go, whatever he wants. But make it very clear that you won't be funding him to move out. Don't mollycoddle him now that he's home. Give him chores along with the other kids. Don't bother mentioning her or her family. Talk about mundane shite when he's in the room and don't bother directing conversation towards him. If he wants to join in chatting then so be it. Don't set yourselves up for a mouthful of abuse from him. You don't deserve it and he needs to learn to respect the rest of the household.

itsgettingwierd · 01/06/2021 09:45

Just remind him you love him and he's always welcome at home but no one is going to walk on egg shells there.

JonahofArk · 01/06/2021 09:55

I completely agree with @Notaroadrunner.

Dontbeme · 01/06/2021 09:57

These threads have been an education in how we see teen boys and girls. A fifteen year old girl accused of being manipulative, holding sway over all the adults in her life, cruel and scheming, but the sixteen year old boy is some innocent to be mollycoddled and not aware of how hurtful he is being towards his family. All I see is a pair of spoilt kids playing adults off each other.

When your DH collected him OP, you walked right into another trap, the story he and she are telling each other is that You dragged him home, so cruel to him. When really her parents wanted him gone, so they should have packed him up and dropped him home to you. He will be back with her and her mother next week, and your entire family will spend this week walking on eggshells to not upset the little prince.

JonahofArk · 01/06/2021 10:05

@Dontbeme

These threads have been an education in how we see teen boys and girls. A fifteen year old girl accused of being manipulative, holding sway over all the adults in her life, cruel and scheming, but the sixteen year old boy is some innocent to be mollycoddled and not aware of how hurtful he is being towards his family. All I see is a pair of spoilt kids playing adults off each other.

When your DH collected him OP, you walked right into another trap, the story he and she are telling each other is that You dragged him home, so cruel to him. When really her parents wanted him gone, so they should have packed him up and dropped him home to you. He will be back with her and her mother next week, and your entire family will spend this week walking on eggshells to not upset the little prince.

This sums it up for me. It may have something to do with the fact that I come from a completely different culture but I cannot for one second imagine anyone in my family allowing two teenagers to call the shots like this.

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 01/06/2021 10:16

@Dontbeme I fully agree that he is being manipulative too.
We are not stepping on eggshells around him either (we were giving him space) and that's why he was in a strop today, he seems to think that because we wanted him home that means we are going to do everything he wants and says in fear he will leave again and when that wasn't the case and he realised the house rules still stood, then here we are.
So I agree with you.
But as much detail as I'm giving, I'm still not putting every single thing on here.
I will speak to my psych about it at the next appointment.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/06/2021 10:21

I also agree with Notaroadrunner.

Be as nonchalant as you can, while reiterating that he's always got a home with you if he wants one and that you love him.

Do not tiptoe around him. If he chooses to throw a tantrum, go grey rock on him and refuse to co-operate with his tantrum. It's hard to keep having a tantrum if you get zero response!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/06/2021 10:22

Cross posted with you - good call.

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/06/2021 10:46

You're absolutely right to insist on house rules, there probably aren't any at her Mum's house. He's probably hoping that you'll lose your temper eventually then he'll have an excuse to flounce back to her, claiming he's the injured party.

Justilou1 · 01/06/2021 11:53

Well done@workworkworkugh... He needs to know that he’s back in YOUR house now, with your rules (even if they’re new ones, given the circumstances.) He hasn’t got their places as a fallback now.

7yo7yo · 01/06/2021 12:27

Call his friends round.
Maybe he’ll enjoy their company and see what life is like without that much angst and conflict.
Life before drama llama.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 01/06/2021 12:34

@7yo7yo

Call his friends round. Maybe he’ll enjoy their company and see what life is like without that much angst and conflict. Life before drama llama.

This is an excellent idea.

CoraPirbright · 01/06/2021 12:37

That’s a good idea 7yo7yo