AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

I think it is unreasonable yes. You said you want a second child, as does your DH, so why would you make 'demands' of him in order to have one? Certainly they should all be points open up for discussion, but it sounds more like you're using them as a bargaining chip to get something you say you want anyway?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Also, why do you keep banging on about home schooling? Who on this thread said that? Apart from you for dramatic affect.

Because plenty of children go to school and leave at 7.30 in the morning and do an after school club until 5.30, get home at 5.30. (I did that every day when I was at school and it wasn't unusual). That's an hour different from the time I spend with DS and I'm getting slammed left, right and centre for not seeing him enough. Plus, whilst private schools have longer hours, they do have longer holidays too so we make up a lot of time together then. The only way we'd spend more time together is making him give up his extra-curriculars (that he enjoys and are good for him) or homeschooling.

@EarringsandLipstick I didn't answer you because it's in the OP
"after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day"

Pregnancy = larger breasts
Hence, my demand that if I have to make them even larger, I'd like a promise we'll get them reduced.

I have just reread your posts OP and it strikes me that what is really going on here is that to feel as an equal to your DH you need to have a high climbing career and salary, which is all kinds of sexist.

Does your DH listen to you ? Do you feel you have to ‘demand’ things from him rather than talk them through as adults in an equal partnership?

I think all of those demands are attempts to impose lots of control on things when you really can’t. It sounds terrifying what you went through but you might feel completely differently in the next pregnancy. If you’re willing to take the risk again then you also have to go with the flow a bit. You might not get the pregnancy you want or the birth of your dreams, in the hospital if your choice. Or you might! I’d hire a doula for extra support throughout the whole process. Good luck OP.

they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day"

But this is silly OP (hence my point, that you are so dismissive of).

If they are 'ginormous' now, and you are in pain all day every day, surely to God you should seek a remedy regardless of another baby.

It's not relevant about having another baby (and I can see how it might make it worse). Decide the 2 issues independently.

1. Issue with boobs - organise a reduction if you wish

1. Second baby - decide if you are willing or not to take the risk & then make up your mind.

They aren't connected issues.

Don't think of them as demands, but what can we do as a team to make this remotely okay for me to go through again. x

@RowanAlong

I think all of those demands are attempts to impose lots of control on things when you really can’t. It sounds terrifying what you went through but you might feel completely differently in the next pregnancy. If you’re willing to take the risk again then you also have to go with the flow a bit. You might not get the pregnancy you want or the birth of your dreams, in the hospital if your choice. Or you might! I’d hire a doula for extra support throughout the whole process. Good luck OP.

You're completely right - that's exactly what I'm trying to do. And I needed to hear this. Thank you.

And what about the other points I made? That you don't sound remotely keen to have a baby, and that you've created a daft list of 'demands' that bar one, don't relate to your DH?

You say you want another baby. If so, the only relevant question is are you willing to run the risk of HG again?

Put the demand list aside.

@EarringsandLipstick

they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day"

But this is silly OP (hence my point, that you are so dismissive of).

If they are 'ginormous' now, and you are in pain all day every day, surely to God you should seek a remedy regardless of another baby.

It's not relevant about having another baby (and I can see how it might make it worse). Decide the 2 issues independently.

1. Issue with boobs - organise a reduction if you wish

1. Second baby - decide if you are willing or not to take the risk & then make up your mind.

They aren't connected issues.

There's zero point getting them reduced now if I'm going to have another baby because they'll swell up again and I'd have wasted thousands of pounds. The consultant was very clear that if I'm planning on having another child I should wait until afterwards (especially given that I could breastfeed DS well so makes sense not to mess with that).

@EarringsandLipstick

And what about the other points I made? That you don't sound remotely keen to have a baby, and that you've created a daft list of 'demands' that bar one, don't relate to your DH?

You say you want another baby. If so, the only relevant question is are you willing to run the risk of HG again?

Put the demand list aside.

I've said I'm desperate to have another child - you just didn't read it.

I made an entire post about why these relate to DH - again, you just didn't read it.

I've answered all of this. I'm not sure why you're pretending I haven't.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was always very lucky in my pregnancy that DS was always fit as a fiddle - it was just me that was ill. Thank you x

On another note, if you and your dh want a baby then yes he absolutely needs to cancel his holiday, given that he's aware of how bad it can get it's a bit if a shock that you're having to spell that out to him...

It's also very sensible to wait until you're entitled to more money, you know you won't be able to work so you're just being prepared for that.

The surgery is neither here nor there, if you want surgery then you should but that's not really a demand, especially if your breasts for example are causing you pain. You probably won't have to deal with surgery for a while after birth anyway (longer if you breastfeed / have a c section etc) so I'd put that on the back burner personally.

Feeling safe under the circumstances is important, if you want to labour in a hospital 2 hours away then that's your perogative but I'd advise looking closer to home as a back up just because you might have problems later on getting there or there could be another issue.

You know your child, that's between you and your dh, not anyone on here to tell you what's best for him or how to look after him.

Also, the amount of people saying you shouldn't have another because of your previous pregnancy is outrageous. You're probably going to be the same the next time but you might not be, you might not have HG at all. Also women are admitted in pregnancy for a variety of reasons, my mother was in with me for 3 months because I was small (now a strapping 5'11 rugby player lol...). My friend was admitted for a long time for gestational diabetes complications. My point is you never truly know what a pregnancy is going to throw at you, if you're mentally strong enough and prepared for it then no one should be telling you not to go for it xx

There's zero point getting them reduced now if I'm going to have another baby because they'll swell up again and I'd have wasted thousands of pounds. The consultant was very clear that if I'm planning on having another child I should wait until afterwards (especially given that I could breastfeed DS well so makes sense not to mess with that).

Oh I think I'm out now OP.

You must be wilfully misunderstanding me now?

That's not my point.

My point is: breast reduction (whenever it happens) is not linked with your decision about whether to have another baby (bar timing).

Why would you include it on a list?

The criteria are solely:

1. Do you want a second child?
2. Does DH?
3. Can you contemplate experiencing HG again?

Good luck with whatever you decide. Not too sure what the point of this thread was though.

I agree with a lot of other posters here and think you should just try and enjoy the family you have now.
I had to make a similar decision and chose not to have another child for similar reasons.
I had very bad spd when I was pregnant with my dd. I couldn't walk by the end of my pregnancy and was in so much pain I cried every day. I was out of work from 26 weeks and couldn't do anything. It was awful. The thoughts of having to go through something like that again while also trying to look after my dd isn't even worth thinking about. My dd is 7 now and always asks for a brother or sister but I've simply told her again and again that I can't have any more babies and was lucky enough to have her.

I've said I'm desperate to have another child - you just didn't read it.

I did. Don't be so bloody patronising.

As I said, if you are, then all you need to think about is can you face HG again. The demands are irrelevant.

I made an entire post about why these relate to DH - again, you just didn't read it.

I did, again you're rude. It didn't make one iota of sense. See point above.

FGS what relevance has your enhanced illness leave from September to DH? Surely that's just good sense.

The only 'demand' relevant to your DH was the holiday.

I've answered all of this. I'm not sure why you're pretending I haven't.

You answer in a really odd way. Like words put together that make no actual sense.

No reasonable person uses the words 'demands' about a decision to have a baby with their partner.

You don't deal substantively with what the decision to have a breast reduction has to do with whether or not to have a second baby (not the timing)

Anyway you've been kind of horrible so I'm out. I do hope it works out for you.

I wouldn't proceed because you think your son "deserves" a sibling. My parents went through a lot of trauma (lost babies and very high risk genetical issues) to ensure I had a sibling. We are now adults and (due to her narcissistic personality), we are NC. So effectively I do not have a sibling.

I'm struggling to understand how your husband's penis is affected in any way?

Sorry haven't read the full thread, but I don't think you should list your points as demands, but rather as discussion points. Things that will make you more comfortable.
That said if you are saying its your way or the high way than YABU.

I think you've been blessed with one child and should cherish him. I had an appealing second pregnancy and my dh got the snip after because I knew my body couldn't do it again. We are not yet 30 so very young but I couldn't put my family through the hell of another pregnancy. Think about the implications to your child. If you are in hospital all that time, how will your child feel?

I can't believe some of the responses on here. Seriously, what's wrong with people?

OP, your demands sound perfectly reasonable. It's normal to be very nervous embarking on a pregnancy in your circumstances, and it's a good idea to put supports in place to make the experience less difficult.

I had HG in my pregnancies, although not as severely as you. It got more manageable with each pregnancy. I would say by the third pregnancy it wasn't even HG, just severe morning sickness, and I didn't lose a lot of weight that time.

I don't know why people are trying to persuade you not to have another child. People bringing up all sorts of scenarios that could happen such as having a disabled child or being hospitalised with leaking fluid. Surely those risks apply to everyone. No one would have a second child if everyone thought like this.

Also, what is going on with all the people criticising you for working? Surely most families have two working parents these days? On most other threads here women are lambasted for not working and leaving themselves vulnerable.

I suspect people are treating you harshly on here because you let people know that you are young. They wouldn't talk to you like this if you were in your 30's.

I don't believe the adoption reasons at all. I think you want to control your husband and another pregnancy will do this.

Because plenty of children go to school and leave at 7.30 in the morning and do an after school club until 5.30, get home at 5.30. (I did that every day when I was at school and it wasn't unusual). That's an hour different from the time I spend with DS and I'm getting slammed left, right and centre for not seeing him enough. Plus, whilst private schools have longer hours, they do have longer holidays too so we make up a lot of time together then.
The only way we'd spend more time together is making him give up his extra-curriculars (that he enjoys and are good for him) or homeschooling

Home schooling and extra curriculars? He's in full time nursery. How many curriculars can he be doing? And who takes him to them?

@delilabell

I don't believe the adoption reasons at all. I think you want to control your husband and another pregnancy will do this.

And I think you're racist. We can all randomly accuse each other of nasty things that make no sense...

All sounds a bit weird. These aren’t demands of your DH, just your wishes.

I agree that the breast surgery is irrelevant to the baby demand list.

You need it done and it's just a question of when.

The list itself is a way of imposing control over what must have been a frightening experience. I can see the list should make for a good starting discussion with your husband - but there does need to be a discussion as it will impact him and your childcare and family life. I do think the 2 hour journey to a chosen hospital is unreasonable but that's just me, he may feel otherwise.

Ultimately I don't think you'll be able to bring as much control over how things progress because pregnancies/deliveries don't run to plan (IME). So that leaves you with managing some lack of control/order.