AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Do you work from 7am to 6pm doing your childcare?

No I don't, and I've never been asked to. Why?

Because if you don't offer childcare from 7am to 6pm then all those many many many parents you're meeting don't work those hours. It's selective bias and it's why you shouldn't use anecdotes as if they're factual evidence.

@Bluntness100

Op, do you really want another child? This reads like you’re doing it to please your husband, like some form of favour that you want paying for.

You need to want a baby for you. And if this was you wanted the baby there would be no demands. I assume if he says no, you simoly won’t have another child?

I do desperately want another child - I also very much do not want to be pregnant.

Well your demands around birth and induction are obviously fine that’s completely up to you. Tummy tuck and boob job should be a conversation for further down the line, you can probably have the boob reduction on nhs for the pain anyway.

But I don’t understand your plan for if you do suffer the same? Could you really stand to be away from your son for 30 weeks? Is that fair to him?

@MerryMarigold

A very odd thread overall, from the OP onwards! I voted 'YABU' because I think these are not demands, they are just things you need to agree on and I am not sure why you're not just having a chat with him, or why you don't already know what he thinks on nearly all these issues.

Have you thought through what would happen if you had twins?

Have you thought through what would happen if you have a really awful pregnancy and your kids don't get on, or Child 2 has special needs which makes that dynamic difficult? (It is possible, especially if they feel any pressure from you that you went through a horrible pregnancy just for child 1 to have child 2 as a sibling).

Not sure why you're bringing up twins or special needs? What the hell does that have to do with anything at all?

You're absolutely right. I'll quit my job, DH can quit his and we'll live on the street and spend loads of time together.

Or one of you could cut back your hours a bit so your child can be with his parents a bit more, and you could stop being over dramatic about everything everyone says.

I do desperately want another child - I also very much do not want to be pregnant

Ok. Which do you feel the most. The desire for another child or the desire not to be pregnant. Because I have to be honest, it reads like you’re performing a service for your husband.

Depending on the child you adopted if accepted you may be expected to give up work anyway.
Adopted people these days come with many additional needs, appointments, etc.
I think you have to come across as selfless, and be prepared to make sacrifices far beyond what birth parents do.

Lots of people on this thread seem to think hospitals are prisons - they aren't. You can leave, there's ambulatory care, DS is allowed in etc. The hospital I was in last time (which I one of the reasons I love them so much) allowed partners and children to visit 24/7 and had private rooms for children to stay overnight sometimes. You can still be an inpatient and go out for a few hours and do things and see people. It's not like being in an asylum.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You're absolutely right. I'll quit my job, DH can quit his and we'll live on the street and spend loads of time together.

Or one of you could cut back your hours a bit so your child can be with his parents a bit more, and you could stop being over dramatic about everything everyone says.

Or people on this thread could stop shaming other women for having a career because they chose not to have one.

Well it's good that you know your own boundaries Op. You have a list, DH has to agree to all otherwise no second child.

Not entirely sure why you've posted really.

@User7312019

Well your demands around birth and induction are obviously fine that’s completely up to you. Tummy tuck and boob job should be a conversation for further down the line, you can probably have the boob reduction on nhs for the pain anyway.

But I don’t understand your plan for if you do suffer the same? Could you really stand to be away from your son for 30 weeks? Is that fair to him?

Not really because a hospital 2 hours away doesn't have to take her on as a patient and there are a number of factors beyond one's control in pregnancy, such as pointed out, if she has to be inpatient for weeks, early labour, fast birth, etc.

I wouldn't count on getting the reduction on the NHS given the staggering long wait lists they have now for vital procedures due to Covid taking over.

@Bluntness100

I do desperately want another child - I also very much do not want to be pregnant

Ok. Which do you feel the most. The desire for another child or the desire not to be pregnant. Because I have to be honest, it reads like you’re performing a service for your husband.

I agree with this to be honest.

If you want another child and your husband wants another child then why would it come with 'demands'? You make it sound like a transaction not 2 people in a loving relationship deciding that they want to add to their family.

@Bluntness100

I do desperately want another child - I also very much do not want to be pregnant

Ok. Which do you feel the most. The desire for another child or the desire not to be pregnant. Because I have to be honest, it reads like you’re performing a service for your husband.

I think it's 50/50 at the moment but if I knew that the finances were 100% secure (by waiting until September), that DH would be there for emergencies (the holiday), that my body should (most likely) eventually recover and I could feel normal again (reduction) and that I'd be looked after and supported by people I trust and in a way I'm comfortable (points 4 and 5) then those things would tip the scale.

I was in hospital for a while with my pregnancy, the woman in the bed next to me had been in for 6 weeks as her waters were seeping and they wanted to keep an eye on her. Her other daughter was at home with the odd visit to mum in hospital.

Why would you risk putting your family through that? Plus yourself. You’ve been very honest here. Personally I would revisit adoption, different agencies even abroad. I know people who have adopted and it was a hard hard slog. But I wouldn’t be putting myself or my family through that.

@Scramblerr

Lots of people on this thread seem to think hospitals are prisons - they aren't. You can leave, there's ambulatory care, DS is allowed in etc. The hospital I was in last time (which I one of the reasons I love them so much) allowed partners and children to visit 24/7 and had private rooms for children to stay overnight sometimes. You can still be an inpatient and go out for a few hours and do things and see people. It's not like being in an asylum.

Plenty of hospitals are still not allowing this type of visiting due to Covid. And they're not hotels. They don't have to take you on as a patient if you're that far away.

I'm not sure why you bothered to ask IABU because you don't want to hear anything other than what you want.

@Scramblerr

Lots of people on this thread seem to think hospitals are prisons - they aren't. You can leave, there's ambulatory care, DS is allowed in etc. The hospital I was in last time (which I one of the reasons I love them so much) allowed partners and children to visit 24/7 and had private rooms for children to stay overnight sometimes. You can still be an inpatient and go out for a few hours and do things and see people. It's not like being in an asylum.

I totally get this, OP, but you said in your OP that you thought you were going to die, you wanted to abort and you felt suicidal. Unless you were exaggerating how bad it actually was, it doesn't sound like you would want your ds to be visiting you in that state - surely, it would be too distressing for him to see you so ill?

@Bluntness100

Op, do you really want another child? This reads like you’re doing it to please your husband, like some form of favour that you want paying for.

You need to want a baby for you. And if this was you wanted the baby there would be no demands. I assume if he says no, you simoly won’t have another child?

That's very well-articulated. I felt the same but couldn't express it as well.

I find the breast reduction being part of the 'deal' to be the weirdest bit. Can't you just do this regardless, if it's something you want?

@naunet You can't really think that spending 11 hours a day in a childcare setting, with very little one-to-one attention, is the best thing for a young child?

You seem incredibly defensive, OP. No one is calling you a bad parent.

Plenty of hospitals are still not allowing this type of visiting

I was in hospital for a while with my pregnancy, the woman in the bed next to me had been in for 6 weeks as her waters were seeping and they wanted to keep an eye on her. Her other daughter was at home with the odd visit to mum in hospital.

Which is why I want to be at the specific hospital that I do know does allow this because I've been there before and seen it first hand!

[quote Catkin8]@naunet You can't really think that spending 11 hours a day in a childcare setting, with very little one-to-one attention, is the best thing for a young child? [/quote]
Oh fuck off, plenty of working parents do that.

Because if you don't offer childcare from 7am to 6pm then all those many many many parents you're meeting don't work those hours. It's selective bias and it's why you shouldn't use anecdotes as if they're factual evidence.

Wrong. I don't advertise my working hours. I don't advertise at all actually, so parents font know the times I offer until they come to me, and in the 12 years I've been looking after children, I've never been asked for 7am until 6pm every day.

I don't think any of these are bad non-negotiables to agree to come off of contraception to TTC as they're clearly important to you, but some of these are out of DH's hands (particularly 5) and the only option you have if he says no is to not TTC, which from your posts you don't seem to want as an option. It can't be a 'demand' if you would give in to have a second child.

Unless this is more about wanting to motivate your DH to continue with the adoption route that he's struggling with unless the risks of pregnancy - including the expectation of ill health, that ill health may continue after, and so on -- are balanced out more against you're desire not to go through with pregnancy. That I could understand, but then there is an issue if he tries to go no to both, which is possible though hopefully in discussing things you could work it out.

@Scramblerr

Lots of people on this thread seem to think hospitals are prisons - they aren't. You can leave, there's ambulatory care, DS is allowed in etc. The hospital I was in last time (which I one of the reasons I love them so much) allowed partners and children to visit 24/7 and had private rooms for children to stay overnight sometimes. You can still be an inpatient and go out for a few hours and do things and see people. It's not like being in an asylum.

I didn't realise this. There's nothing like that in Ireland (where I live) that I'm aware of so this is a very different hospital experience than I've ever heard of.

24/7 access for visitors? That sounds so unusual. Even when rounds / medication administration are happening?

And when you were in for extreme HG, they still were happy for you to come in & out, and have visitors at any time? Surely the nature of your illness made that hard.

(Sorry I'm writing the above with the assumption you are in the UK but you may not be?)