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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

256 replies

TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 21:56

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

OP posts:
Cowbells · 14/05/2021 15:10

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@Upamountain43 that’s due to the fact that the minute he walked out, the prison’s obligation and duty of care ceased.[/quote]
It hardly sets him up not to reoffend though, does it? You'd think a good exit care package which included some buddying system and a supported place in an interim hostel would lower the rates of recidivism.

Being rejected by friends when you ask to sofa surf on your first day out is a slippery slope. (And I'd definitely have turned him down, as OP wants to.) It's not an appropriate solution.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/05/2021 15:17

Yanbu.

You have already helped this person a lot. Its not up to you to jeopardise your children to offer more help.

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 15:20

People need to start the-examining their misconceptions and views about ASB and crime

You're assuming my thoughts are misconceptions and yours are somehow better.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 15:31

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@thepeopleversuswork I agree, there is very binary thinking about this. This person needs help, not judgement.[/quote]
Step in and offer him your house then.

I wonder how many of these hand-wringers have had their lives and their family's lives utterly fucked by such people.

We're stuck in an HA property with a disabled child and forced to live under a violent offender and addict and his girlfriend and their constant, loud trance music, parties, noise, threats against us, a metal box over our letter drop and not a moment's peace. Ever. We have to pass their door to get out and live in terror.

I'm trying to research what legal action I can take against the HA.

There's no end of ill I wish on people who do this others. They destroy other peoples lives without a second thought.

I have zero sympathy. You try living with someone like this and see how judgemental you are about the poor dears who just need help and have rights. What about ours?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 15:31

@BimBimBapp

People need to start the-examining their misconceptions and views about ASB and crime

You're assuming my thoughts are misconceptions and yours are somehow better.

Exactly!
RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 15:42

@Cowbells agreed, but there is a culture of penal populism in this country and a reluctance to invest money into this sort of thing.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 15:43

@BimBimBapp I am not assuming anything about your thoughts or views.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 15:45

@osbertthesyrianhamster don’t be ridiculous. Like it or not, that’s how it is and everyone has rights, offender or not. The point being made here is about the lack of provision available.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 15:50

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@osbertthesyrianhamster don’t be ridiculous. Like it or not, that’s how it is and everyone has rights, offender or not. The point being made here is about the lack of provision available.[/quote]
Guess we have no right to live in peace from violent thugs then, Rose Hmm or we're 'ridiculous'. So you're taking in these community problems yourself? Or is that for others to do, too, and put up with or they're morally inferior to you?

SunIsComing · 14/05/2021 15:52

I don’t believe he was in prison for shoplifting…. He must have a history or there must be more to why he was in prison.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 15:53

@osbertthesyrianhamster stop projecting your obvious frustration at your situation on me. I am fully aware of community problems and live in area where there are ample issues.

oober · 14/05/2021 16:07

ex-con crackhead? No room at the inn.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 16:35

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@osbertthesyrianhamster stop projecting your obvious frustration at your situation on me. I am fully aware of community problems and live in area where there are ample issues.[/quote]
That's nice, dear. I can post how I like as long as it does not breach Talk Guidelines.

Hobbesmanc · 14/05/2021 16:41

There's some sour, cynical misanthropes on here. The OP and her husband sound like lovely, generous people. The kind of public spirited, life affirming, none judgemental people that I would aspire to be. I totally understand the OP's caution- and agree with her that she has to think of the potential risks. But God love her husband for trying to give something back to the world.

All you purse mouthed, judgey, sanctimonious posters sneering at his "white knight complex", calling him a fool. Telling us proudly that you'd be reconsidering your marriage. I hope you never need a friend so badly

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 16:46

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@BimBimBapp I am not assuming anything about your thoughts or views.[/quote]
I thought people had to examine their misconceptions? Am I not people?

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 16:49

@Hobbesmanc

There's some sour, cynical misanthropes on here. The OP and her husband sound like lovely, generous people. The kind of public spirited, life affirming, none judgemental people that I would aspire to be. I totally understand the OP's caution- and agree with her that she has to think of the potential risks. But God love her husband for trying to give something back to the world.

All you purse mouthed, judgey, sanctimonious posters sneering at his "white knight complex", calling him a fool. Telling us proudly that you'd be reconsidering your marriage. I hope you never need a friend so badly

I'm not a heroin addict just out of prison (again), and I'm never going to be.

OP doesn't want him there. She doesn't like him, he is not her friend. You've got so caught up in your fawning you haven't even noticed!

Her husband is a fool. He's so "public spirited, life affirming, none judgemental" that he is putting his family at risk. Are you opening your home to homeless junkies, are you just misty eyed at someone else doing it? Bet we can guess.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 16:50

@Hobbesmanc

There's some sour, cynical misanthropes on here. The OP and her husband sound like lovely, generous people. The kind of public spirited, life affirming, none judgemental people that I would aspire to be. I totally understand the OP's caution- and agree with her that she has to think of the potential risks. But God love her husband for trying to give something back to the world.

All you purse mouthed, judgey, sanctimonious posters sneering at his "white knight complex", calling him a fool. Telling us proudly that you'd be reconsidering your marriage. I hope you never need a friend so badly

I hope you never have to live in close proximity to a scumbag crim thug who makes your life hell or worse.
Delphinium20 · 14/05/2021 16:56

YANBU

About 10 years back, my DH tried to help a friend who had a serious opioid addiction. He wasn't violent but so had many other problems. A few times after we let him in, my home stank, was filthy and I had headaches from sleepless nights due to his music/TV. Our DDs were quite young. I put my foot down and forbade him from ever entering our house or interacting with our children ever again. It was an all or nothing demand. My DH was hurt and upset with me at first, but now, years later, all is well and he ultimately agreed it was the right thing to do. Stay firm and put your kids first. You owe THEM a safe home, not adult friends or family.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 17:38

@osber you sound quite bitter, patronising and unpleasant.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 17:40

@Hobbesmanc I am with you. There is no sensible conversation to be had with some posters.

AnotherKrampus · 14/05/2021 18:51

For all of those virtue signallers - I hope you will put your money where your mouth is and put up a habitual smackhead who after all of that help comes into your house and empties it of all valuables, while you are at your parent's funeral.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 19:01

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@osber you sound quite bitter, patronising and unpleasant.[/quote]
Sleep deprivation and anxiety from crim twat cunt neighbours has a very unpleasant effect on those who are forced to endure them, having to research how to take action against the landlord and fill out forms, because our rights don't count (we're at Ombudsman level now, our social worker is involved, as is our MP and MSP, next step is court to get
a restraining order against them which will force the matter but also fearful for our lives. It's hard for the virtue signallers to imagine, I know, what it's like to have to live with these poor ickle people.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 19:02

@AnotherKrampus

For all of those virtue signallers - I hope you will put your money where your mouth is and put up a habitual smackhead who after all of that help comes into your house and empties it of all valuables, while you are at your parent's funeral.
Oh, they'll swear they do!
wizzywig · 14/05/2021 19:47

@RoseRedRoseBlue totally agree. Am in the same job. Ttg is 9 times out of 10 non existent, despite actually existing as a service

Greenbks · 14/05/2021 19:55

@coldswimmer88

Op I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here

If you don't know that the right answer is "No you can't bring a homeless heroin addict who got out of prison today to stay with a woman who doesn't want to and 2 small children" you are out of your tiny mind.

That’s a really nasty comment to make, tiny mind, really.

I was supportive of the op- why exactly did you decide to bash me? You may be sitting on the other side of phone/laptop veiled by anonymity but words hurt and not everyone is strong enough to take verbal abuse like that.

I hope in future you will consider what you type before you attack someone.