AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

[TheRobberBride123]

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

I also find it depressing how quickly people are condemning this guy as a write-off.

But the bottom line is that heroin addicts are not to be trusted and you are absolutely correct not to let him stay at your home. Of course your children take priority.

@Beautiful3. Having an offender or drug addict in the home does not mean Children’s Services will remove the children. It is far more complex than that.

Op I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here

If you don't know that the right answer is "No you can't bring a homeless heroin addict who got out of prison today to stay with a woman who doesn't want to and 2 small children" you are out of your tiny mind.

You did the right thing, the problem with giving him anything is that you set up an expectation and don't know when he'll be back expecting more of the same. If you let him stay one night then where's he going to stay the next night? It's awful that there are no shelters and you leave prison with pretty much nothing but you have to think of your kids. Everyone should be set up with accommodation before they leave if they want to reduce reoffending, the system is ridiculous.

Kids in the house - no way.

I think there are a few things that don't ring true here.

• Night shelters are not closed because of Covid. Extra beds have been made available because of Covid.

• Prison for shoplifting?

An awful situation to be in OP, I'd have found it very hard to say no but PPs are right, you and DH need to put safeguarding DC first and you offered to pay for accommodation for him.

Out of interest, what was the place he found? I.e. how hard had anyone tried before putting pressure on you?

@thepeopleversuswork

I also find it depressing how quickly people are condemning this guy as a write-off.

But the bottom line is that heroin addicts are not to be trusted and you are absolutely correct not to let him stay at your home. Of course your children take priority.

For me it was the fact he put his foot in the door to stop OP closing it, says all you need to know I think.

NFW he'd be staying over at mine.

The OP has said No and he found somewhere else.

@thepeopleversuswork I agree, there is very binary thinking about this. This person needs help, not judgement.

@Nanny0gg

The OP has said No and he found somewhere else.

Yes but she is still left with a massive DH problem. He never should have asked and is mad at her for saying no.

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@thepeopleversuswork I agree, there is very binary thinking about this. This person needs help, not judgement.[/quote]
From professionals. Not from OP, and not this kind of help.

I totally agree Op was right to say no. I have small children too and would feel vulnerable. However, when I think of it as my best friend from school...in that position I can see why your DH wants to help. My mother is an alcoholic and those old loyalties and trying to save the addict are so complicated and difficult to look at rationally when you just want that old person back.

It’s a horrible situation for you both, you aren’t in the wrong, but I do empathise with your husband too.

YANBU. If your DH wants to help him he can check him into a shelter/pay for a night's accommodation. However his problems won't be over in a night (obviously). Your DH should concentrate on protecting you and his DCs not his friend.

Hello no! Your DH is mental thinking you should agree to this. Is he going to expect to stay every time it rains? And what if he stayed over and never left?

@BimBimBapp actually, these things are COMMUNITY problems. Yes, the professionals will do their bit, but some of the dismissive comments on here are awful. I don’t recall suggesting that the OP personally had to step in?

No because you don’t like him or feel comfortable with him there and that’s enough in your own home given his previous behaviour of stepping in the door etc. Addicts aren’t a homogenous group and that behaviour is threatening. I know it’s been resolved but anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe should not be someone your DH considers as an option.

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@BimBimBapp actually, these things are COMMUNITY problems. Yes, the professionals will do their bit, but some of the dismissive comments on here are awful. I don’t recall suggesting that the OP personally had to step in?[/quote]
In what sense is a homeless , repeated criminal, drug addict a community problem? Who in the community exactly do you expect to be responsible?

@BimBimBapp because it will impact everyone in the vicinity in a multitude of ways. I don’t expect any one person to be responsible, hence the term ‘community’. People need to start the-examining their misconceptions and views about ASB and crime.

No fucking way. Your first duty is to your DC. Your DJ needs to get his priorities straight. You don't need to "feel bad" for telling a heroin addict aggressive criminal that he can't sleep in a house with your children. Your DH should be ashamed for even suggesting it.

I wouldn’t have allowed him to stay for the simple fact that he had previously shown up shouting in the middle of the night and tried to intimidate OP by putting his foot in the door.

Regardless to being a heroin addict or just getting out of prison I do not and will not tolerate being intimidated or feeling threatened. I understand that addiction is an illness however I will not be out at risk by anyone and illnesses don’t give people the right to be intimating other people.

I cannot and will not use the excuse “it’s because he’s addicted” I excused far too many times my ex husband with the “its the cocaine, he’s addicted it’s not his fault”. But he wasn’t hitting or stabbing anyone else was he? No so he clearly had some control.

No way. As soon as you mentioned the kids I thought "nope".

It's very kind of your husband to want to help but you can't rescue people. He did it before and the friend has unfortunately had a relapse so has naturally expected to be saved by his friend again. You can't do it, you just can't.

There are professional organizations for drug addiction issues. They are the ones to deal with this. If the friends really wants to get back on the straight and narrow he will accept this.

We had a friend who came out of prison after 5 years having being on suicide watch every 15 minutes for 4 weeks without a single check that he had anywhere to go.

Literally prison out in the sticks - door open - he walked out and door closed - not even a check he was being picked up.

@Upamountain43 that’s due to the fact that the minute he walked out, the prison’s obligation and duty of care ceased.

YANBU, your young children’s safety comes first. He can find a hostel.