AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

[TheRobberBride123]

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

@Weareallvirgins that is completely untrue.

@Mollymoostoo TTG has been widely criticised as an abject failure.

@Happyd he won’t be. There is NO duty to house people leaving prison in the vast majority of cases. Why are people struggling to grasp this?

YANBU. You are not a bad person. Your children won’t know what to do with people like him and you and your OH won’t have time to train them. It might be best if your partner finds a place for his friends like a hostel or hotel but not your home. That’s your kids safe place. It won’t be if they have to deal with your OHs friends ups and downs. Hostels are used to helping homeless who do generally have habits they’ll have trained to manage them.

No way are you being unreasonable. I certainly wouldn't do it!

You are not being unreasonable. Your OH is being unreasonable, the kids should come first and it's not safe to have him there. Your OH shouldn't be putting you in the position where you have to say no, he should be saying no for you!

As a parent, I feel strongly that I have a duty to protect my children, from chaos and disruption and from other people’s dysfunctional behaviour.
It’s part of creating a calm, safe and stable home for them.
I also want to be emotionally available for my children and not sidetracked by devoting time and mental energy to inadequate adults in permanent crisis.
Personally, I would not be converting my family home into a facility for uni dropouts, criminals, junkies and drifters

Thats great @RoseRedRoseBlue

The State of California has cleared out the prisons of 10s of 1000's of inmates because of covid19. Many are violent offenders....I have no idea why this was thought to be a good plan...how are the freed inmates supposed to get along in society with no skills, no money for food or shelter? I really feel bad for their relatives who will no doubt be feeling pressure to let them move into their homes...it's hard enough to have a grown adult visitor who's not in the immediate family come to visit...much less a criminal. The entire family is affected

@GiftedFish for the umpteenth time, the prison WILL NOT have set up accommodation for this person. Please, stop making untrue statements about things you have no knowledge of. People need to realise that prisoners are released every single day who without housing. There is NO duty to accommodate them.

The sooner the general public realise that there are some deep rooted and serious issues in the Criminal Justice System the better. The utter nonsense being touted on here is very worrying and shows a total lack of understanding.

@RoseRedRoseBlue

The sooner the general public realise that there are some deep rooted and serious issues in the Criminal Justice System the better. The utter nonsense being touted on here is very worrying and shows a total lack of understanding.

I think there are two reasons for this lack of 'understanding': 1) People believe all teh rollocks that prisoners have it easy 2) People don't like to think about upsetting things so they deny the reality and pretend there is a decent system in place

The myth that there is accommodation provided is very persistent.

That is why some people steal the very first day they leave prison - either they steal or they go hungry. They have zero good options.

At last, someone with an understanding behind that offered by the Daily Mail. It is just infuriating how these untruths perpetuate.

I used to feel really frustrated until I read about system justification and that made sense to me. I don't know how we move forward though.

How we get our legal system unfucked I honestly don't know. People are waiting years for a trial - this is dreadful for those accused, and dreadful for their victims who are left hanging and with all that stress.

Cuts in prisons harm us all as we just pay more to clear up reoffending. Many crimes now go unpunished anyway due to lack of resources to investigate and prosecute.

The UK leagl system has been systematically degraded since 2010, it is heartbreaking.

The criminal justice system is rubbish...

BUT it is absolutely not your responsibility to house ex offender /homeless /addicts in your home... I wouldn't be happy re my DH funding it either remotely...

What I would do is help him access the agencies... /help him get employment...

The other worrying thing for your kids safety... Donuou actually KNOW what he was in prison for?? It is very unusual to be imprisoned as a bloke for shoplifting...

I came across many sex offenders who had been inside... And were now enscobsed in their old pals houses /single vulnerable woman with kids.... They had told all of them they were inside for either shoplifting /car theft/

They were ALL dangerous sex offenders....

Have a look on your local paper to discover what his crimes were...?

Agree entirely the shit system should not put pressure on the OP to make it right!

You are both right, it has nothing to do with the OP. I would say though, if this person had been habitually shoplifting to feed a habit, it is very likely he would go to prison.

I think he is lying.

When prisoners are released, especially when they are heroin addicts, they are given a hostel to go to and they have parole officers to follow them up. I'd love to know in what way this is a myth, because in every case I've known, many through work and also personally, including my family, ALL have been offered a hostel. Lots of them choose to not go the hostel.

Heroin addicts are notorious liars. He's chosen homelessness, specifically to prey on the likes of you, OP, and your husband.

I hope you left him out in the cold.

@ChristmasFluff this is absolute nonsense. I can only assume you are not in England as there is no such thing as Parole Officers in this country - we are Probation Officers. It is completely wrong that every heroin is offered a hostel place - so wrong it's laughable. In particular those who have a significant drug abuse history have less chance of securing even temporary accommodation.

I know this because I have worked with persistent drug users for the past 16 years of my career - I haven't read it on the Internet or in the daily mail, it is my daily working life. Please stop sharing untruths as fact

@RoseRedRoseBlue

It would be a hard no from me.

I’d suggest to DH to help his friend in other ways. Provide food, help him look for a job, offer support. But, all outside of the family home.

@GiftedFish I will tell you whatever I want, because your statement that prison wouldn’t release someone without somewhere to go is just not true. Furthermore, if someone is at SED they won’t be on licence.

@ChristmasFluff, Emotional is completely correct.