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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

256 replies

TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 21:56

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

OP posts:
ParkItRay · 13/05/2021 22:07

No.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2021 22:08

Absolutely not. You have children. They have to come first. End of story.

Your DH can book him a hotel room if he really must be his saviour.

SemperIdem · 13/05/2021 22:09

Yanbu at all to refuse this.

Toolateplanting · 13/05/2021 22:10

Was he not released to an address? If he is homeless and been given temporary accommodation he will lose it and all his rights to it if he does not stay there.

mummysharkk · 13/05/2021 22:11

Omg no!

Why would dh even suggest it/ put you in this position?

Don't back down.
He's not much of a friend if he's put his foot through your door.

Stay strong- you are right.

SpacePotato · 13/05/2021 22:12

Fuck that.

Greenbks · 13/05/2021 22:12

Not all ex prisoners get accommodation when they are released and often are miserable, alone and have no where to stay so they get high again, break their parole and off to prison again where they atleast have a roof over their head and meals.

Op I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here, you shouldn’t feel bad for saying no and putting your kids & yourself first but I would say you are equally ok to let him stay a few nights as it is raining and he’s just come out of prison etc.

Do what is best for you.

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 22:13

Absolutely not. You need to put your kids first and so does your OH.

Give him a tent or an umbrella or book him into a hostel.

DishingOutDone · 13/05/2021 22:13

@Toolateplanting

Was he not released to an address? If he is homeless and been given temporary accommodation he will lose it and all his rights to it if he does not stay there.
Who else thinks he’s been released to OP’s address Hmm
Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 22:13

Ps what do you and your OH get from this friend?

Whatsthescoop · 13/05/2021 22:14

@Toolateplanting

Was he not released to an address? If he is homeless and been given temporary accommodation he will lose it and all his rights to it if he does not stay there.
Not necessarily, he's male & if he's not considered vulnerable then it's unlikely he will get emergency housing
Sinner10 · 13/05/2021 22:14

I work with homeless and drug addicted people and love my job but even I would say no to this. Many of the people I work with just tell me what they think I want to hear, eg they’re clean. He needs to present himself to the council who should find him some housing. The prison should of directed him to do this as well if they had not arranged for him something.

tonimitchell · 13/05/2021 22:14

He would have been given short term accommodation by his probation officer on release. Maybe he was kicked out for some reason

MargateSands · 13/05/2021 22:15

Definitely not being unreasonable.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 22:16

YANBU
Is there an Emmaus nearby? They are a charity that house homeless people and help them rebuild their lives. They were founded here in France, (Paris), but have U.K. branches as well.

emmaus.org.uk/

Original poster
TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 22:16

Thanks all, I've already said a firm no, just wanted some reassurance that I'm not awful for doing so.

I offered to pay for a Travel Lodge / take it out of savings but I think DH didn't want to make him feel bad that he couldn't stay with us Confused he's found somewhere to stay now.

The night shelter is closed due to Covid. The support for those leaving prison is terrible, they give you £46 and send you on your way, no wonder so many reoffend. It's been a real surprise actually, the lack of support. I have a lot of sympathy but I also have small children I need to put first.

OP posts:
Homehaircuts · 13/05/2021 22:16

Not a cat's chance in hell would I be happy about that either! Your husband could support him to find a room somewhere else.

QuarantineQueen · 13/05/2021 22:17

I totally understand your DH's desire to help his friend but you have two young children and are already looking after his vulnerable sister. This isn't practical. Did he not have temporary accommodation arranged by his parole officer? Has he been kicked out of that? If so, does that mean he is back on drugs?
If he isn't back on the drugs a homeless shelter might be able to help (although some have been closed due to covid which is unhelpful). If he is back on drugs they almost certainly won't accept him - but then he definitely shouldn't be in your house with your kids either in that case.

Saz432 · 13/05/2021 22:17

@Icancelledthecheque

God no, he’s a bloody criminal, not someone that’s fallen on hard times through no fault of their own!
WTF? OP didn’t say why the man was in prison and plenty of people end up in prison because they’ve fallen on hard times through no fault of their own - you realise that addiction is an illness, right?

I’m not sure I could say no in this situation, but then I don’t know the situation and what has happened historically, whether he has stayed with you before, how that went etc. Presumably the difficulties faced with him in the past have been due to drugs - if he’s clean, I would put him up if I had space.

QuarantineQueen · 13/05/2021 22:18

Crosspost. Glad he has found somewhere else to stay.

Saz432 · 13/05/2021 22:20

@Greenbks

Not all ex prisoners get accommodation when they are released and often are miserable, alone and have no where to stay so they get high again, break their parole and off to prison again where they atleast have a roof over their head and meals.

Op I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here, you shouldn’t feel bad for saying no and putting your kids & yourself first but I would say you are equally ok to let him stay a few nights as it is raining and he’s just come out of prison etc.

Do what is best for you.

Exactly. All these comments confused about the fact he has not been given somewhere to go and thinking the council will house him - why do people think there are so many homeless people? A single man with no additional vulnerabilities won’t get housed. It’s no wonder those released from prison end up quickly back on drugs and reoffending. It’s a shocking state of affairs.
Icancelledthecheque · 13/05/2021 22:21

@Saz432

WTF? OP didn’t say why the man was in prison and plenty of people end up in prison because they’ve fallen on hard times through no fault of their own - you realise that addiction is an illness, right?

Bollocks. Plenty of us have fallen on hard times and yet somehow have managed to not commit crimes and end up in prison Hmm

HerMammy · 13/05/2021 22:22

his friend should surely have some hostel or accomodation lined up if he is coming out of prison and has no where to go?
oh the naïveté, are you aware of the never ending homeless problem? do you think people enjoying sleeping in the streets?

Original poster
TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 22:22

Also he has been in prison for shoplifting, so nothing violent. I just don't feel comfortable with him in the house at all.

OP posts:
ForgedInFire · 13/05/2021 22:24

Absolutely not. And unless you are actually wealthy and its coming out of his "spends" I would put a stop to the considerable money being used to help him as well.

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