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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

256 replies

TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 21:56

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

OP posts:
RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 19:58

@wizzywig we have spoken before 😀 this post demonstrates a huge misunderstanding of the situation and it’s really quite concerning how uniformed people are.

Emotionalfuckwit · 14/05/2021 20:30

@RoseRedRoseBlue I too am a Probation Officer and am sat here wondering how people don't realise that people come out prison everyday to return to the streets. I have spent most of my career working with offenders who been in the cycle of drugs/homelessness/offending who I couldn't get anyone to house in a million years. 😂 At the comment that people are released and given council accommodation. He is likely to have come out homeless but OP if I found out one of my cases had been residing at an address with young children living there without me knowing in advance and doing all the checks and safeguards needed I'd be taking swift action. We don't mess about when it comes to safeguarding children

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 20:34

@Emotionalfuckwit good to see another from the Probation crew 😀

Emotionalfuckwit · 14/05/2021 20:36

@RoseRedRoseBlue I feel like I should correct every bit of misinformation and scaremongering but you're doing an excellent job so Ill get ready for gardeners world instead 😊 keep up the good work!

Kitkatchunkyplease · 14/05/2021 20:36

You don't ever let a Heroin addict in with your children. It does not go well. You have a responsibility to your children, not to this man.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 20:42

@Emotionalfuckwit thank you very much 😀 enjoy the programme and I will hold the fort!

Serin · 14/05/2021 20:51

I'm glad he got sorted. You have to put your children's welfare and your own safety first. A man who put his foot in our door to prevent me from closing it, would terrify me.
There are ways to help that don't involve risking your own safety. I would try to help him find a room in a hostel, I would help him apply for benefits or work (dont know who would employ a thief though). I would go as far as providing some food, and you have been kind to offer to pay for a hotel but sleeping in our house with DC present, no way.

toocold54 · 14/05/2021 21:20

YANBU regardless of whether he’s been to prison or not you have a house full and don’t need a random person adding to stress.
Your DH could have easily said we literally don’t have the room so I’ve booked a hotel for you instead.
Your DH does sound lovely but I’m 100% with you in this one.

It’s terrible how little support ex prisoners get it’s no wonder for many their only option is to resort back to crime to be able to afford to live.

wizzywig · 14/05/2021 22:14

@Emotionalfuckwit fantastic name! Great choice in career too!!

Emotionalfuckwit · 14/05/2021 22:20

@wizzywig why thank you 😊 the username and profession are not linked 😂 we should get our own little club together 😂

IND1A · 14/05/2021 22:37

I’d advise your husband not to give his friend cash. People just out of prison are at very high risk of having a fatal overdose.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 22:37

@wizzywig @Emotionalfuckwit 🙂🙂

eeek88 · 14/05/2021 22:52

I once put up a friend for a month when he came out of prison, but he wasn’t a junkie and I didn’t have kids. It was a great experience. I wouldn’t do it for just anybody and didn’t invite him without extensive consideration and conversations with him, my partner and wider circle of friends and family. It’s not something to do on a whim. He has a fairly violent record. But turned out to be a dream guest - much better than the phd student who was our next long term guest !

Unfair of your husband to put you in this situation.

But FYI for those posters assuming the prison lines up accommodation for the first night out, it doesn’t. They get a bit of cash (enough for a hostel, bus ticket, hot meal), £30-£50 ish I think. That’s it.

godmum56 · 15/05/2021 17:26

YANBU. children's safety first.

Weareallvirgins · 15/05/2021 18:11

@TheRobberBride123 if hes fresh out of prisson he will have a half way house to stay at.

Happyd · 15/05/2021 18:20

He will be housed , so will not be homeless and will get an emergency UC payment .. you have children end off

Sweetpea1532 · 15/05/2021 18:29

@TheRobberBride123
Stand firm, OP!
Even if it were just you in the home, your DH should not be offering living quarters to this friend...your DH does not really know this friend...like previous pp have said, people will tell you what you want to hear in order to get a foot in the door of your home...and then you cannot get them to leave because they usually have not made any changes in their lives to become upstanding citizens or to make other living arrangements....of course there are exceptions to this, but very rarely.
You didn't mention whether you work outside the home...if you do that means this friend would be left alone in your home whilst you and DH were working to put food on the table and pay living expenses. While he sits there making himself quite at home.
And if you are SAHM, it is utterly ridiculous for you to have to share your personal space with this man.
I speak from experience! DO NOT EVEN ALLOW this man to use your address for purposes of having an address...such as getting post,or needing an address for any other purposes...this goes bad real fast!
We thought we were doing a favor for a family member who was down on his luck....after a few weeks, he disappeared, and then the late notices and warrants for his arrest started showing up in our post or people started showing up at ours looking for him! And he invited HIS sleazy friends to OUR home whilst we weren't there.
He also started wearing my teen son's clothes to the point of wearing everything in DS closet. He helped himself to DS expensive cologne and used the entire bottle!

My DH had helped him set up a bank account with his name and my DHs name on it....since this was at our bank, they had our address and banking info..when relative disappeared and his bank statement arrived, we learned that he'd over drawn the account so my DH was responsible for the overdraft.
Guard your home, OP, with your life because it IS your life and your safe place!
And this isn't even taking in to account of this being a safe place for your DC and SIL.
This is above your DH pay grade...he has not even the slightest idea what he is allowing by just trying to be nice.
The reason you don't like this guy is because you are picking up a bad vibe from him....women's intuition that this is a bad situation!
Pay for one night's accommodation...that's it..and maybe some food...you and DH cannot afford to support another adult! Any time or money spent over and above a small short term helping hand is taking away resources for your children..and he will suck your family dry and not even think twice about how any moneys he's used could be savings for a family emergency!

End of rant!Hmm
Sorry I got so long winded, but I wanted to let you see how this charity of your DH can go wrong very quickly.

Daenerys77 · 15/05/2021 18:43

Not unreasonable at all. I would not want this person in my house whether there were children present or not.

ERFFER · 15/05/2021 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeefi · 15/05/2021 20:05

Was gonna day you are but then saw heroin.

No sorry mate

Perhaps throw some Money at him for a travelodge ?

Looooona · 15/05/2021 20:06

Absolutely not, I have a brother like this, I help him from a distance but I do not let him stay with me. Your children’s wellbeing must come first, they might find someone like that quite distressing.

Looooona · 15/05/2021 20:08

@ERFFER my partner is the same, has such weird misfit type friends from school. I let them stay with us now but I wouldn’t if I had kids, not a chance.

tommyhoundmum · 15/05/2021 20:26

No, don't feel bad. YANBU

Mollymoostoo · 15/05/2021 20:47

Most prisons have a housing advice and resettlement service called Through the Gate. The service is delivered by charities including Shelter, St Giles Trust and Catch22. A resettlement worker in prison can help you with things like: referrals to suitable accommodation if you'll be homeless on release. Shelter website.