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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

256 replies

TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 21:56

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

OP posts:
Pyewackect · 14/05/2021 01:17

If you don’t feel safe then the answer is NO.

avamiah · 14/05/2021 01:21

PurpleTrilby,
I admire your straight talking post and hope that OP listens .

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2021 01:26

Guest has somewhere for tonight.

SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 14/05/2021 01:39

YANBA to not have him in your house, especially with DC. Not if you think he'd cause property damage, do you have a garage or shed he could sleep in? Is there a local hostel DH could pay for him to sleep in?

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 14/05/2021 01:50

Glad he’s found somewhere. YANBU and it’s unfair for your DH to put this on you. It’s not even about him being released from jail, it’s the fact you don’t like him and he’s intimidated you previously. It will also not only be one night.

Nancydrawn · 14/05/2021 02:02

I think you've done a compassionate thing to offer to put him up in a hotel.

It's a bit off that your husband is delicate about his friend's feelings/his own feelings around putting him up in a hotel (wasn't sure whether he was ashamed not to offer the house or worried his friend would be ashamed to accept the hotel) but not at all delicate about your very feelings about putting up a man who's been aggressive to you in the past.

There's also the Covid risk, of course. It depends on how recently "just got out of jail" is, but even if he were a very best friend of yours, I'd be wary of bringing anyone into the house who's lived in any sort of institutional setting within the past ten days, unless everyone's vaccinated.

duffmcstockings · 14/05/2021 02:04

I have been where you are. Not heroin but mental health issues. It turned our life upside down and when we tried to facilitate we let our kids down. It still had a shitty end and it took a long time to win back the kids trust. We are still paying off debt of the back of it. Protect yourself.xx

1forAll74 · 14/05/2021 02:13

NO, I would try and suggest a hostel or the like.. you may think he only needs one night of shelter, but that could run into more nights,if he is really down on his luck, and that would cause more problems.

AnotherKrampus · 14/05/2021 02:13

Massive nope and I'd sent DH packing if he expected this and anyone else such as SIL to stay here.

Dogwoodrose · 14/05/2021 02:58

I feel resentful of being put in this situation where I have to be the bad guy.

This needs addressing with your DH once tonight's drama has passed and everything is calm again, he absolutely shouldn't be putting you in that position. He needs to understand that your DC's have to take priority and their home should feel 100% safe and secure to them, which means no taking in waifs and strays. There are plenty of ways he can help his friend without endangering DC's stability but he needs to be clear in his mind that bringing an addict into your home is a hard no so you don't have to be the 'bad guy' (although 'responsible parent' would be more appropriate) in future.

PRsecrets · 14/05/2021 03:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GADDay · 14/05/2021 03:31

There are two separate issues here.

Should you accommodate this man? No way in hell. It is not your responsibility - moral or otherwise.

The bigger question is how, in the first world have we devolved as societies that our some of the most vulnerable don't stand a hope in hell as there is no support. At all. Mars is starting to look attractive.

mum23kidz · 14/05/2021 03:33

While I feel sory for him, I wouldn't allow it. You have children and it isn't worth the risk.

Ticklemycarpets · 14/05/2021 04:20

No way

MyDogIsDrivingMeMad · 14/05/2021 05:33

It's not about comfort. It's about protecting yourself and your family, physically and emotionally, from people who won't think twice about bleeding you dry, if you let them.

PopsicleHustler · 14/05/2021 05:37

My DH wouldn't even be associated with a drug addict, let alone be friends with one. I understand the need to want and help people I really do. But no you have young children. And he's being pretty careless with not thinking about both the children and his wife.
It's a firm no. Get him to a hostel or homeless shelter where they can give him the correct and appropriate support

GinAndTonicOnIt · 14/05/2021 05:40

No way would I let him in my house or near my children

YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 14/05/2021 06:08

Your husband needs to put you and the DC first, of course. His friend is a man who put his foot in the door to you, his wife. That alone is a huge breach of trust.
This is why I am so anti drugs, even light recreational, occasional MC weed smoking. Because this is where it ends for some and this is what it props up. Absolute and abject brutal misery. Violence, threat, fear, coercion, compulsuion and complete loss of dignity. I grew up around junkies (parent worked in residential therapeutic treatment centre in a country with more enlightened addiction services) and reserve a huge portion of compassion for addicts, and a greater portion still of accountability for those who enable the proliferation of drugs in society by insisting on recreational use. So irresponsible.

Beautiful3 · 14/05/2021 07:16

Be careful if social services find out you have a drug addict and offender in your home, they'll remove the children. You should say no.

Butchyrestingface · 14/05/2021 07:19

Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

Fuck, no.

And you're already accommodating his sister (and previously one of his mates) so I think you're doing enough to earn your angel's wings as it is.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 14/05/2021 07:27

@WarwickHunt

How exactly does that benefit my child? It doesn't and so therefore not happening. It's the same principal here. It doesn't benefit your children so therefore shouldn't happen.

This seems to be a remarkably selfish code to live by.

In their own home, the needs of the children should always be prioritised. How the hell is that selfish?
Hopeful201 · 14/05/2021 07:45

I feel some sympathy with your DH friend, it is so hard when they leave prison. Almost no chance of ever getting yourself straight. Unless you have some support.

I don't know what the answer is, but I wouldn't want your DH's friend around either but I would be trying very hard to help. They need support and friends and family can give this-obviously he has to want help too.

Daphnise · 14/05/2021 07:51

This "friend" sounds dreadful, and you are quite right not to let him in the house.
Your DH must be absolutely stupid- or taken in by this man's nonsense.

nancywhitehead · 14/05/2021 07:59

No.

The prison will have offered him advice and suggestions about accommodation once he is released. They won't have just left him homeless.

Also as PP have said, how would you know it's going to be only one night - what makes tomorrow any different?

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 14/05/2021 08:04

Nope. Your home is your safe space (and your children's). Your DH has an issue with boundaries to let (potentially dangerous) randomners violate this.

Also, SIL sounds quite vulnerable and (while it might be time to ask her gently about her plans) it doesn't sound like a good idea to bring someone unstable into the same house as her.