AIBU - family member and money issue arghhhh......

[stfuDoris]

Please be gentle - long time lurker but first actual post of my own....

So...roll back to first lockdown March 2020...I worked throughout each lockdown no furlough etc so maintained regular wage however my sister who is self employed had to cease trading and initially was not in receipt of any loans grants etc. She was extremely stressed during this time as had no way to cover her regular monthly outgoings so I offered to cover some of her bills to ease the pressure as did another family member - in total I paid £1800 of her monthly bills over approx 5 months until she was able to start working again. Yes I received my normal wage each month but I have my own bills and this was an additional expense each month that I had to budget for, it was not from savings etc.

Roll on to August 2020 my sister finally received payment - to the tune of £18k which was backdated to March 2020...she straight away paid back the other family member who had also paid some of her bills.

Now here is my dilemma...I rightly or wrongly ‘expected’ her to do the same re the money I had paid out but it was never mentioned...she has now put the majority of this money into savings - for a new car and luxury holiday for when times permit.....has not had to use any for expenses raised during that time if that makes sense as they were covered. She also lives with a parent and was rent/board free throughout.

A week ago I had mentioned a car bill I had and she said if I was short she could ‘lend’ me the money however would need it back as she was going to book a holiday as soon as she could. I ‘flippantly’ said - well instead of lending me the money you could pay back what I paid out during lockdown .....and all hell broke loose.... she said I had told her not to worry about it at the time which I am sure I probably did as she had enough going on, and at the time was unsure whether she would even qualify for anything. She also said it’s only because she received this money (8 months ago!!) that I brought it up....which again is partly true if she had not have been in a place financially to have paid me back I would probably have just written it off however, she is in a position financially and if that had been me ‘morally’ I would have paid it back regardless. I am now left feeling like I am completely in the wrong and the worst of the worst for even bringing this up, she has contacted me since saying she can’t believe I brought it up and reiterated that I was the one who said don’t worry about it at the time and that the offer of the loan was still there if I wanted it but it would be a loan.

For context she is quite a bit younger than me, late 20’s tho so not a teenager......is single, lives with parent, her monthly outgoings that she couldn’t meet during lockdown were all personal bills ie credit cards, car insurance, phone and finance agreements.

I feel a complete mug here as the money she received was backdated to March 2020 so she has been ‘compensated’ as such for money that she would have had to pay out during the time when she was unable to work however she is so annoyed and shocked that I dared to mention the money that I paid out on HER bills, I am second guessing myself and thinking maybe I was wrong to even bring it up?? AIBU?

[Milkand2sugarsplease]

Definitely mention it to your parents!! You helped her out and this isn't how you repay a kind gesture.

[ladygracie]

The thing is that she’s made money out of you. That is troubling. She is not out of pocket and you are. Very unfair.
The pp who said that this will now impact on your relationship with her is right. That’s very sad especially as you were doing a good thing. I don’t have a solution but you are definitely in the right.

[user1471538283]

You tell her straight and follow it up in writing she pays you back in full immediately. Whether or not she thought it was a gift she needs to pay you back.

I would badger her until I had it back. People like this rely on others being too polite to chase.

[Wizzbangfizz]

I'd show the cheeky cow this thread

[AhNowTed]

Un-fucking-believeable!

So in her time of need you bailed her out, and now that's she's flush she's offering you a loan!!

And thinks you're in the wrong!!

OP I would be fighting tooth and nail to get my money back on the principle alone.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

She sounds unbelievable!

So when she’s short of money she expects a gift ( even though now she’s actually had the money from the govt too), but when you’re short it has to be a loan.

How can anyone justify that to themselves?

[AnUnoriginalUsername]

Is she actually saying that she has no intention of giving you your £1800 back?! That's absolutely ridiculous.

I'd call your parents tbh, she's acting like a child so treat her like one. She can't just take that much money from you and think she shouldn't give you it back.

[FijiCavanaugh]

100% bring it up with your parents. How grasping and shameless she is!

[ZenNudist]

Well looks like her tactic to not pay you back is working.

Be clear with her: until you pay me back it is going to affect our relationship. I am not impressed that you think having a holiday is more important than paying your sister back. Also I need a car loan because I couldn't save as I was paying your expenses. I am unhappy you are so thoughtless as to not offer to give me money back. I said don't worry about when you can pay me back. I mistakenly thought paying me back was a given as and when you could afford it. Stump up.

Personally I'd go low contact if she wont pay and tell your parents why.

[Coyoacan]

Well now you know never to do her any economic favours again.

I have a BIL who borrowed money from me many years ago and never paid me back. It was really hurtful but time has healed that hurt and he really nice in other ways, but I'll obviously never lend him any money again.

[MyDogIsDrivingMeMad]

Unfortunately, your sister is a spoiled brat. She knows that she morally owes you that money back. It just suits her to pretend that because you were polite and didn't specifically tell her it was a loan that means she doesn't have to do the decent thing and return your money.

You've said you'll never give her money again. I'd do one better and tell her that unless she pays you back, you will never spend a single pound on her again. No gifts. No meals out. Nothing. As far as she's concerned, you're "covered" for years to come.

I would definitely speak to your parents about this-- or anyone else you think might be willing to tell her some hard truths. It might damage the relationship, but she's the one who started it. I'd feel it was already damaged beyond repair, by her own hand. Maybe time can heal it, but for the immediate future, I'd be looking out for my own interests and not caring one bit if she was embarrassed or angry.

[allthequeenshorsesandmen]

F

[FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18]

Of course YANBU!

I think she's relying on the fact that the more aggressive she is, the less fuss you'll make. Don't give in! She knows very well that "don't worry about it" meant literally "don't be stressed", not "there's no need to ever pay back this large debt ".

[Chloemol]

YANBU and I would now be insisting she pays it back immediately

[Newmumatlast]

She should pay you back. Your parents should support you in that. And if it were me I would genuinely go no contact with my sister if she did this to me - and we are close - because it would tell me she has absolutely no respect for me

[Cherrysoup]

I echo a pp, talk about it in front of your parents. She’s taking the piss, big time.

[bp300]

Borrow the money from her and pay it back £1 per month.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

I don't think you should threaten to go NC, She will simply shrug her shoulders and think that its good you won't be there to keep asking for the repayment and she can go on holiday and forget all about it.

I think you should keep asking and reminding and bringing up the subject until she does pay up. Make it awkward for her. She doesn't mind about you not having the money for transport and blowing up at someone who has been very kind and generous. Her behaviour is shocking. If you walk away, she will get away with this. If she does repay you, there's a chance to salvage the relationship later on your terms .

[SnackSizeRaisin]

So she has made 1800 profit out of your generosity? She sounds awful. Tell her that you will be informing your parents and everyone else you know unless she coughs up immediately. If she has any shame she will pay you back.
If not just take the "loan" and don't repay her.

[Speakuptomakeyourselfheard]

I too agree with the PP who said bring it up in front of your parents. Presumably they brought you both up to pay your debts, and quite honestly, if I were in your parent's position and heard about this, I would give her an ultimatum 'pay your sister back, or you're out on your ear'. It's one thing as a parent to not take board when your grown up child is in a situation such as this, but she should have not only have paid you back, but should have insisted on repaying the board she owed. She's a CF and no mistake! I do hope your parents back you up, and that it's not them that have turned her into a selfish, spoiled little madam, who thinks the world, and especially her sister, owes her a living!

[Dobbyisahouseelf]

Your sister is really lacking in morals and should be ashamed of herself. You helped her out financial when she was in a difficult situation and she throws that generosity back in your face.

I wouldn't be helping her out ever again OP.

[Whoopsmahoot]

Wow, selfish and entitled - her not you! DEFINITELY ask for it back, you are paying for her holiday. She’s taking the piss.

[Serin]

How on earth can 2 sisters be so different? You sound lovely OP. She is a disgrace. I hope you get your money back and I hope you win the lottery this weekend.

[billy1966]

Definitely tell your parents.

Your sister has shown you exactly who she is and exactly what she thinks of you and your generosity.

You are clearly a nice woman but you need to look at your boundaries.

Your sister's behaviour is breathtakingly appalling, and someone with boundaries would cause such a stink she would be begging to repay.

Think long and hard about your relationship going forward, because with family like her, you really don't need enemies.

She has taken your money, don't allow her to take your self respect by allowing this to continue.

Tell your parents and kick up a stink.

Utterly shame her.

[Ohdobequiet]

So is she paying you?