AIBU - family member and money issue arghhhh......

[stfuDoris]

Please be gentle - long time lurker but first actual post of my own....

So...roll back to first lockdown March 2020...I worked throughout each lockdown no furlough etc so maintained regular wage however my sister who is self employed had to cease trading and initially was not in receipt of any loans grants etc. She was extremely stressed during this time as had no way to cover her regular monthly outgoings so I offered to cover some of her bills to ease the pressure as did another family member - in total I paid £1800 of her monthly bills over approx 5 months until she was able to start working again. Yes I received my normal wage each month but I have my own bills and this was an additional expense each month that I had to budget for, it was not from savings etc.

Roll on to August 2020 my sister finally received payment - to the tune of £18k which was backdated to March 2020...she straight away paid back the other family member who had also paid some of her bills.

Now here is my dilemma...I rightly or wrongly ‘expected’ her to do the same re the money I had paid out but it was never mentioned...she has now put the majority of this money into savings - for a new car and luxury holiday for when times permit.....has not had to use any for expenses raised during that time if that makes sense as they were covered. She also lives with a parent and was rent/board free throughout.

A week ago I had mentioned a car bill I had and she said if I was short she could ‘lend’ me the money however would need it back as she was going to book a holiday as soon as she could. I ‘flippantly’ said - well instead of lending me the money you could pay back what I paid out during lockdown .....and all hell broke loose.... she said I had told her not to worry about it at the time which I am sure I probably did as she had enough going on, and at the time was unsure whether she would even qualify for anything. She also said it’s only because she received this money (8 months ago!!) that I brought it up....which again is partly true if she had not have been in a place financially to have paid me back I would probably have just written it off however, she is in a position financially and if that had been me ‘morally’ I would have paid it back regardless. I am now left feeling like I am completely in the wrong and the worst of the worst for even bringing this up, she has contacted me since saying she can’t believe I brought it up and reiterated that I was the one who said don’t worry about it at the time and that the offer of the loan was still there if I wanted it but it would be a loan.

For context she is quite a bit younger than me, late 20’s tho so not a teenager......is single, lives with parent, her monthly outgoings that she couldn’t meet during lockdown were all personal bills ie credit cards, car insurance, phone and finance agreements.

I feel a complete mug here as the money she received was backdated to March 2020 so she has been ‘compensated’ as such for money that she would have had to pay out during the time when she was unable to work however she is so annoyed and shocked that I dared to mention the money that I paid out on HER bills, I am second guessing myself and thinking maybe I was wrong to even bring it up?? AIBU?

[Pinkdelight3]

Your fixation with the 'it' is entirely your own. I'm merely saying that while 'don't worry about it' means 'don't worry about paying it back' to some people, it might not mean that to you, but it certainly can't be construed as meaning 'it's a loan'. Hence the confusion that's arisen, between the OP and Dsis's interpretations, and hence why in Judge Judy terms, the Dsis wouldn't have to pay it back, even if it's morally right that she should.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

I haven’t said the money lent by OP was ever explicitly meant as a loan. I don’t think that’s important really - not between two people who are ostensibly close enough to worry about each other’s financial security.

The OP helped her sister out in good faith, and that hasn’t been met with an equal response, even though her sister has been very well compensated. £1800 is a sizeable sum for someone to pay out of their own budget.

I have no fixation, but find it interesting how interpretation and extrapolation is so prevalent on MN, including your accusation of a fixation, or that I consider the money to have been a formal loan.

[Pinkdelight3]

I'm glad you find it interesting, but wearying of how you seem to think I'm only commenting on your comments rather than trying to get back to the crux of the matter. Never mind. You're clearly right so I'll leave you to it.

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

YANBU if she was paid money that was backdated to March 2020 during the period when you subsidised her. Even if you had said don’t worry about it it would have been good manners and reasonable to offer to repay you.

[willstarttomorrow]

18K is a substantial amount, I know she paid the other relative back, but she seems to have made a profit here. I understood you saying 'don't worry about it' to mean just that. So not to stress at a time she was not sure if she would have any income to cover the shortfall about paying it back. Basically she now has savings at your expense and you are worrying about a car bill. She also has lived rent free- she really needs sitting down and having it explained to her how much she is taking the piss. And include family members. You have kept her afloat and she has avoided arrears/debt because of your kindness and wanting to do the right thing by her. The resentment and ill feeling will just build and build so best to get it out in the open and everyone try and work through it.

[MotherOfGodWeeFella]

One telling someone not to worry about something gets translated as "you don't need to do it" rather than "it doesn't have to be done straightaway". I have learned this to my cost a couple of times.

[MotherOfGodWeeFella]

Not one - ime

[nicenicenice]

I think your sister is morally wrong, but you absolutely should have made the terms clear upfront as in pay mr back whenever you can. She has clearly written off the debt in her head and taken you at your word! She sounds like a spoilt brat.

[nicenicenice]

Never ever lend money to someone you don't mind falling out with!

[nicenicenice]

I mean you DO mind falling out wjth 😆

[DearFrutti]

@WestendVBroadway

I really don't understand why so many people would think 'Don't worry about it' would translate as ' you do not need to pay me back.'

I agree. To me it means don't worry, you'll pay it back when you can

[LookItsMeAgain]

Just wondering if you've had any progress on getting your money back @stfuDoris? Have you had a chat with your parents about this?

[stfuDoris]

Thank you again everyone for your responses. Apologies for the delay in update.

So...a few people have asked who the other person who had done the same was - this was a brother. Again older than her. I spoke to him about what had happened and he in turn spoke to her. She did initially offer me half ‘to keep the peace’ to which I said no, if she had received this payment straight away in March I would have never paid any of her bills she would have used the money from the government as it was intended to be used, and not for a holiday or car. She did finally begrudgingly say she would pay it back.....as yet she hasn’t done so, I am assuming she is fizzing over this and psyching herself up to do so!

I do get 110% what has been said about it not being clear from the outset with me saying ‘don’t worry about it’, and I have wrestled with this, she didn’t at the time say ‘thank you I will pay it back when I can’ for me to respond ‘don’t worry about it’ she did say ‘thank you’ and I responded with ‘don’t worry about it’ She wasn’t in a position to think about paying it back as again wasn’t sure what if anything she was eligible to receive from the government. The fact that she did receive payment backdated to cover the period I had paid bills for I feel does make a difference. She is not a child - she hasn’t always lived with parent - only moved back there at the start of last year when she split from partner of 6/7 years so she has lived ‘in the real world’ on her own two feet previously. Under normal circumstances money is not an issue for her however she does live a very high maintenance lavish lifestyle and had cleared a large joint debt she had with ex when she moved back with parent which accounts for her own lack of any savings to cover something like lockdown herself. Under normal circumstances she is much better off financially than I am or ever will be and is well aware of that.

It is not something I will EVER do again and it has definitely made me look at her in a different light which is very sad it didn’t have to be this way. As I have said she hasn’t yet paid it back I had hoped to update that all had now been repaid but unfortunately that’s not yet the case. I do think she will eventually pay it tho, brother that spoke to her she has always seen as a bit of a father figure and she hates for him to think bad of her in any way, suppose I will just have to wait it out. Thanks again all for the many many responses it has been much appreciated xx

[billybagpuss]

She really is a chancer isn’t she ‘half’ wow. Pleased she finally decided to do the right thing and hope she does it quickly.

[Newstepchild]

Part of it might be the age dynamic if you and your bother are a good bit older than her. I have much younger siblings and they sort of expect a level of treatment from us older ones ( although we’re all older now).

[Justilou1]

I am assuming she’s the youngest. She sounds like hard work to me. Very, very entitled. How on earth she felt justified in booking holidays, etc. while living at home and not paying you back is utterly beyond me!

[billy1966]

Don't back off now, keep on it
.
She sounds like a deeply dishonest person who thinks very little of you.

She has zero respect for you to even think of doing you over for yhis money.

Both for the money and sheer annoyance at how she thinks she can treat you, keep on her case until every single penny is paid.

Then let her hop off.

She is a deeply unpleasant person OP, certainly someone not to be trusted ever again.

[Justilou1]

I think a “Let me know when to expect this in my back account” msg would not be inappropriate

[blessedbe]

Did she pay? 👀

[Darbs76]

Of course she should have offered to repay you. I’d be absolutely furious that she said that, how dare she. Don’t feel bad for another second, it’s her who should feel bad.

[SD1978]

It doesn't sound like you properly thought/ spoke this through at all. You never told her you were lending it and specifically would like it back. When she told you she was paying your brother back, you never brought it up. Whilst I accept that morally she's acting pretty low, and should have offered when the back pay came in, you have never asked, never said in the beginning you'd like repaid, and she's had the money 8 months with you saying nothing.