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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband wants a football season ticket, but I feel like this will put the burden of childcare even further on me.

250 replies

Rosebell100 · 13/05/2021 12:55

When I met my husband he was a committed long-term season ticket holder, and although it often meant arranging social plans around football fixtures this didn’t bother me too much. We then moved to London and he gave up his season ticket as it was just too far way to be able to go regularly. 7 years on, we’re now moving back and he desperately wants a season ticket. The reality is 23 matches where he will be out of the house mostly on a Saturday for approx 5.5 hours when you factor in travel there and back. We have a two-year son with suspected autism, and this will mean I spend most of Saturdays looking after DS alone. This comes on top of being the main caregiver all week with my DH regularly having to commute to London.
He says I could have the same amount of time to myself on the Sundays, but the reality is I won’t or, my child free time will default to cleaning the house. And if I did do that, we’d never spend time as a family, and that feels unfair on my son too.
I am all for DH going to matches occasionally, as and when he can, but a season ticket is too much of commitment while life is this hard. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Cuntryhouse · 13/05/2021 14:13

As a former sahm with 2 under 2 there was no way I was doing weekend care alone too. It would never be just the match, it would be beers too. Going to football matches fine, but not a season ticket. Dc are older now so I probably wouldn't mind, as the care is not all on me, plus they are more self sufficient.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2021 14:13

Really bernadette? The op fits cleaning into the weekend, he’s telling her to take time off for herself but he’s not offering to do the cleaning. He really means she should squash it stressfully into residual weekend time after they’ve both had half a day each. You can only manage that kind of me time regularly if you both pull your weight. Him experiencing what she does gives him context for the impact it has.

Tal45 · 13/05/2021 14:14

Why don't you let him get the season ticket on the understanding that you get gym/spa membership or something and that you get to go on a Saturday 26 times a year for 5 or 6 hours? Then agree between you that Sundays will be family day. I think it's a shame if he doesn't get to go, but you also deserve to have time out and a pricey hobby if he does.

It sounds like you feel a bit isolated too - will you have more friends and family around when you move back to London? That will probably make things easier if so x

Adventureswith · 13/05/2021 14:16

Twice a month he wants to go and do something without the family - of course YABU. And take some time yourself - the other 2 Saturdays a month or a couple of Sundays.
Sounds ,like you might actually need some time to yourself - why would you spend the time cleaning??

motherloaded · 13/05/2021 14:17

Exactly! How dare you expect a man’s life to be impacted even remotely by his choice to have children?! That’s for women, not men, their life should continue exactly the same as it was before, and you should dedicate your life to your child and making sure your husband is happy.

of course

being a parent means you go to work, rush home as soon as you are done and forget about any social life, hobby, sport, friends until your kids leave home.
You cannot be a good parent if you have any interest or don't spend any non-working minute with your kids.

You have no life for 20 years, that's what being a parent means..

Angel2702 · 13/05/2021 14:18

I think it’s unreasonable imagine if he dictated that you couldn’t do a regular hobby. I would not be impressed if my H told me I couldn’t have a season ticket. It’s one afternoon every few weeks, not unreasonable at all. And I say that as a family with children with multiple additional needs.

BoredatHome321 · 13/05/2021 14:19

@timeisnotaline but it's 5.5hrs every other weekend if we're going on the basis that majority of the time home and away games alternate each week also, some may be midweek games. It's really not that much time when thinking about it.. He could/should compromise if OP is struggling though, I just don't think he's asking for that much.

minipie · 13/05/2021 14:19

Absolutely YANBU

With a small child with additional needs and poor sleep, I longed for the weekends when DH was around to share the load. Would not have been happy with him disappearing for the best part of Saturdays every other weekend. I also missed DH (he worked long hours in the week) and looked forward to spending that time together.

It’s all very well saying OP should go see friends and family, but family may not be near and IME most friends with small DC are busy with their own families at weekends.

I think as a PP suggested, a few matches here and there is plenty.

OP I suggest you try leaving DH with DS for 5.5 hours on a weekend, do this a few times in a row, then he might get it.

Naunet · 13/05/2021 14:23

being a parent means you go to work, rush home as soon as you are done and forget about any social life, hobby, sport, friends until your kids leave home
You cannot be a good parent if you have any interest or don't spend any non-working minute with your kids

But it’s ok for OP to be at home 24 hours a day with their child and then left alone again at the weekend?! Where’s her time for hobbies, sport, friends?

No one is saying you’re not allowed to do things for yourself, they’re saying it has to be fair. And fair means BOTH parents getting the same amount of downtime and responsibilities, not just the man getting whatever he wants and works best for him.

TuesdayRuby · 13/05/2021 14:24

My husband is a season ticket holder at his football team. He’s always been massively into football and I knew this when I married him. I couldn’t ask him to forego something he loves that much (and all his family have season tickets too). Having said that, your husband does need to take into account that as a family, his priorities have changed now.
Why don’t you give it a go and see how you get on? If it’s too much, ask him to perhaps share his season ticket with someone else, so he’s only going to home game a month rather than two.
In any case, you never know, in a couple of years he might be taking your DS there giving you some lovely free Saturday afternoons!
I think there has to be a balance between partners, if you try and quash the person they were before they will resent you for it.

WingingItEveryDay7 · 13/05/2021 14:24

I think you need to sit down and discuss how chores that don't get done during the week are split between you at the weekend so that you both get some time out. I have a season ticket for a Premier league team and go (precovid) to all home games and buy tickets for most away games too. I would be gone for 5 hours if at home and all day if away. We just made sure that the other weekend day was a family day, and the times I had no game to go to my DP would do their own thing (if they wanted) so that we both felt we had a fair break. It's not fair to suggest that people should give up their hobby because you don't like it, what if the shoe was on the other foot? 7 years is a long time to have given up a passion you knew about when you got together, give him some credit. I've felt really down not having my footie days this past year, it's not done my mental health much good at all. What things do you like OP? Now is your time to take up that hobby whilst your DP does his share of parenting! Hope you can sort things out x

Naunet · 13/05/2021 14:26

OP how about getting a cleaner? Would that help take the pressure off you a little and give you some free time?

Hillse · 13/05/2021 14:40

@Naunet

OP how about getting a cleaner? Would that help take the pressure off you a little and give you some free time?

This is a good point - cost of cleaner (say £30 x 25 for every two weeks) is similar or less than a season ticket

motherloaded · 13/05/2021 14:42

@Naunet

being a parent means you go to work, rush home as soon as you are done and forget about any social life, hobby, sport, friends until your kids leave home You cannot be a good parent if you have any interest or don't spend any non-working minute with your kids

But it’s ok for OP to be at home 24 hours a day with their child and then left alone again at the weekend?! Where’s her time for hobbies, sport, friends?

who is stopping the OP from having hobbies and meeting friends exactly?

Who is making the OP wanting to use her child free time to "clean the house"?

minniemomo · 13/05/2021 14:48

Can't he take ds? My DD's have been going to professional sports from birth, my dd is autistic. If he takes dd to half the games that's fair

mrsm43s · 13/05/2021 15:10

Surely he has 23 Saturdays for matches (while you manage the home and your child) and you have 23 weekend days for yourself (while he manages the home and your child) and you have 58 weekend days together as a family.

This means that you get the opportunity to get a break - a proper break - 23 times a year! Surely that is what you need with a high needs child?

Seems to me that this is win/win!

It is important that you both have opportunities for equal free time, and that there is plenty of family time, but this offers both.

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all.

I can't really see what the problem is? Do you struggle to entertain yourself and rely on him to entertain you? Is the ability to go out without your child for lunch with friends/to a gallery, a museum or a show/go for a girls shopping trip/visit the spa/learn a new skill/take up some exercise etc not appealing to you?

Naunet · 13/05/2021 15:16

Who is making the OP wanting to use her child free time to "clean the house"?

So no one is making her clean? Well it seems like her husband is leaving it all to her to do, so should she just stop doing it too and they live in a shit tip? Maybe this grown man could start considering his wife and family rather than purely himself and what makes him happy?

BigFatLiar · 13/05/2021 15:38

Love so many think he's a twat/dick because he's asked his wife if she has a problem with him getting a season ticket. Doesn't sound like he has a ticket only opened a conversation with his wife. He may well be a twat if he disregards her issues with the situation but opening a conversation seems like a good thing to do.

YANBU to have concerns about it, discuss them with him.

motherloaded · 13/05/2021 15:38

@Naunet

Who is making the OP wanting to use her child free time to "clean the house"?

mate, you are projecting a bit here...

Fixitup2 · 13/05/2021 15:45

But it’s ok for OP to be at home 24 hours a day with their child and then left alone again at the weekend?! Where’s her time for hobbies, sport, friends?

Saturday mornings before football, anytime on Sunday, every other Saturday when there isn’t a match.

I don’t think parents should give up their hobbies and part of their identity just because they have children. Both parents should be allowed to do something they enjoy for themselves which is what OP’s DH is suggesting. I think you’re all martyrs if you think you have to give up all your hobbies when a baby is born until they’re independent adults!

Pinkylemons · 13/05/2021 15:47

Wouldn’t bother me, I’d love my DH to have a hobby. Can you find something you can do?

newnortherner111 · 13/05/2021 15:47

Seems unreasonable to me. The comment about 23 matches suggests that the DH follows a team outside the Premier League, so being able to get tickets for say 6 or 7 games a year is an option which allows him to enjoy some games (or suffer depending on their performance!!) and not leave an unreasonable burden of the care of his DS to his wife.

supersonicginandtonic · 13/05/2021 15:49

Firstly OP you are talking a lot of rubbish. The football season runs from mid august to mid May: so that's only 9 months for a start. Then the season ticket only works for home matches, do half that again. Then you have mid week matches and Sunday matches so no it won't be every Saturday woll it? It'll be less than 23 Saturday if you factor in evening and Sunday kick offs. Why is your husband selfish? You do realise there are almost a hundred other weekend days per year.
Get yourself a hobby too and have some tome to yourself.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2021 15:49

@Naunet

OP how about getting a cleaner? Would that help take the pressure off you a little and give you some free time?

Hmm: he gets a season ticket to something he loves and she gets.. to do less cleaning. Talk about life fulfilment! Maybe the cleaner should be for both of them AND she gets to spend her ‘season ticket’ on something she’d enjoy. Our cleaner is to help both of us, not just me.

Roboticcarrot · 13/05/2021 15:50

If its roughly 50% of Saturdays, can you have the same amount of time to yourself on the remaining Saturday, and then Sundays as family time together? Also he would need to increase his contribution to household chores, I don't think it's wildly unreasonable if he was willing to genuinely agree to stuff like that.

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