to not feel horny by my husbands requests?

[sparedblushes]

ok, my friend is a Mumsnetter and has persuaded me to confide in this site as she said you would all find it interesting and may come up with a solution.

my dh has always had a strange way of lovemaking. He calls his penis 'Tarzan' and my vagina is 'Muffy'.

i was ok with that, but then he started talking directly to Muffy, pretending that his Tarzan was having a conversation with Muffy. This seemed to excite him and i thought I should pretend to like it too. Only now he really does think i get turned on by this and has taken it a step too far.

The other night he took Tarzan out and I saw to my horror that he had stuck a pair of eyes on it. I pretended to be pleasantly surprised as I didn't know how else to react; now I wonder what else is in store, have I only myself to blame for not telling him that I don't get turned on by it, or am i being unreasonable in telling him the truth?

Have you tried stainless steel kitchen implements?

Or dressing like a horse?

Or a parrot on the shoulder? etc?

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Why doesn't Muffy talk back to Tarzan in a deep masculine voice?

Well. I think that roleplay is healthy in a marriage. I suggest you change your vagina's name to Jane and then Tarzan and Jane can have lots of jungle fun.

Alternatively, don't do any trimming for a month and you can be Cheeta....

i'm confused, tarzan doesn't really go with muffy, shouldn't it be jane - or cheetah

What's that smell? ............ bullshit??

Quite inventive though!

Snort

I think you should buy Tarzan one of those Groucho Marx moustache-n-glasses combos.

Good idea scanner

Why not put a pair of glasses on Muffy (I assume she already has a beard) and tranform her into Bill Bryson, and see where this gets you?

did he remove the eyes before penetration?

or were they drawn on?

why not draw horns on it next time?

maybe then he'll get the message.

if that doesn't work, next time Tarzan tries to speak to Muffy, have Muffy tell Tarzan she wishes he'd fuck off and send mute Penis in his place.

My first husband and I used to have named for our "bits"

I had completely repressed that until this thread

Now it has come jumping out of the box I reserve for this sort of stuff

What were the names MP?

Get Muffy to tell Tarzan she has a headache.

gawd yes, you don't want them stick on googly eyes getting stuck anywhere intimate

oh, go on,let me borrow him....i love a man with a sense of the ridiculous

hmmm I would be worried about spilt peronalities there......you might have to set a place at table for Tarzan before long lol

oh yes, do tell [sincerely but sympathetically interested emoticon]

I think it's best, Hekete, if I stuff that information back into the box in my head where it needs to stay

Glad I'm not the only one then morningpaper. He really does call them that, my friend thought it amusing too. she said you'd be understanding though. It was called Jane for a while but now he calls it Muffy the Penis Slayer, or Muffy for short.

And the eyes were stuck onto his pubes so no, he didn't remove them before penetration. He likes to pretend that tarzan is going into the jungle and recently asked how I'd feel about him doing a 'play'.

you mean you admitted this to people in real life?

Got to disagree with you there MP. Far better for you to get it out in the open.

If you tell me, I'll tell you......

Tell him to call it Spike instead. Goes better with the slayer

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Look on the bright side, sparedblushes (typed "sparebushes" then), at least she doesn't stop half way through and bang Tarzan on a chest of drawers

His was called "Sloop"
Mine was called "Floop"

I may have to delete this thread

ooh go on mp - make my day!!