To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

[TurquoiseKiss]

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

@Narwhalsh

‘Glad to be back in the office for a break, some peace and a hot cup of tea, thanks!’

I found working a paid job is by far and away the easier option

But you'd have to have an incredibly easy job and a difficult baby to see going to work as 'a peaceful break'.

I know the Mumsnet idea of a job is a bit of light admin as an when you feel like it, interspersed with intelligent conversation and endless cups of proper coffee, but that's not the reality for the majority.

How nice of them Alexa .

Re the "any nice trips" it's a standard comment among my colleagues at the moment for any time off. We have a weekly project meeting on a Friday and it always starts off with someone asking what lovely things people have planned for the weekend. Someone will come back with "I managed to book a time slot at the tip" or similar and a typical response is "ooh, are you taking a picnic to make the most of it". It's standard workplace small talk at the moment but if you have been out of the loop you won't know it. Ii someone has a couple of days leave nice it's always a jokey "going anywhere nice" (unless you know it's a funeral or suchlike). If OP is going to get in a huff about that sort of comment she is going to give herself a rough time.

Its small talk, everyone knows you had a baby and are surviving on little sleep, same as every other woman who has been on maternity leave.

There isn't a polite way to say it, because it's bollocks.

You have had a year off work. What you were doing whilst off work is irrelevant.

The only way you haven't had a year off work would be if you still had been going to work! 🙄

If it was a holiday you wouldn’t accrue annual leave.

I’m 50/50 on this. But that’s because being at home with my baby was the most enjoyable thing I’ve done, I did have a very easy baby though.

Best to let your colleagues get it out of their system. If the comments carry on ask if they have ever thought of becoming nannies as then they would be on one long paid holiday surely.

Birthing a baby, even if it’s a traumatic experience for some, isn’t a year long event. It’s reasonable to assume that a someone might enjoy some of the time they had off work to be with their baby.

From the OP, I really can’t see what anyone has said that could cause offence. If it weren’t for covid it would have been perfectly normal for you to have taken a trip on holiday somewhere at some point throughout the year, and plenty of people probably did have a holiday at some point in the last year even if they were on maternity.

A change is as good as a rest. That said, going to work is a doddle after having kids - because change is as good as a rest.

Having a year out of work is something not everyone can do, money won’t cover it. So wouldn’t look to defend how you feel it was hard work. It is, but it’s different too.

Honestly, let it go.

You have had a year away from work, you have not rested but raised a child, just like you will do every weekend on your rest days and annual leave.

You have done this because it was your choice

There may be so many reasons your colleagues are envious, put your time and energy into something else.

I had a year off with my first and it was a year off, it was far easier than the holidays/ rest days in the toddler stages.

Oh for heaven's sake they're just making conversation, no need to take them so literally!!!

I thought both of my maternity leaves were a year off, I absolutely loved them and viewed them as a holiday

I'm off on mat leave and I'm loving my time off. You're being weird about it.

Yes, the OP's colleagues were just making small talk but if maternity leave or family leave is regarded as a perk rather than a workplace right it undermines a lot of equality progress in the workplace. This stuff matters.

Exactly. It is depressing to see how many other women respond to this attitude by going full on with it. Like if they just shout loud enough about how it REALLY IS a year off with your feet up and ugggggh babies who even wants to hear about that, they’ll get respected at work more than the rest of us. (You won’t, love.)

“Did you have a good year off?” is a bit but can be put down to general cluelessness. The “I wish I could have a year off”/“must have been nice to have a year break, you’re looking well” stuff is just arsey and doesn’t need pandering to.

@Namechangeme1

But it is a holiday. You didn't have to take so long off work.

I know many women who have babies to take advantage of maternity leave!!

So YABU,

Chinny reckon?

@BarbaraofSeville but what one person finds easy another won't. For instance I find plumbing work very easy because I have been trained to to do it and know what what I am doing, I don't think you could say it is an easy job though - it is hard work and you definitely can't sit around drinking tea all day if you want to get anything done. I do find it easier than being at home, I love my children and think they are great but I am a SAHM at the moment for both health and financial reasons and it is far more mentally draining.

@GoldenOmber

Yes, the OP's colleagues were just making small talk but if maternity leave or family leave is regarded as a perk rather than a workplace right it undermines a lot of equality progress in the workplace. This stuff matters.

Exactly. It is depressing to see how many other women respond to this attitude by going full on with it. Like if they just shout loud enough about how it REALLY IS a year off with your feet up and ugggggh babies who even wants to hear about that, they’ll get respected at work more than the rest of us. (You won’t, love.)

“Did you have a good year off?” is a bit but can be put down to general cluelessness. The “I wish I could have a year off”/“must have been nice to have a year break, you’re looking well” stuff is just arsey and doesn’t need pandering to.

Yes this.

I'm a bit embarrassed for people on this thread stating the obvious "yOu WeRe oFF wORk oP". Well we know she wasn't in work - that's not what her colleagues mean though is it. When people say this they're acting like women have swanned off travelling the world on the company dime. When maternity leave is probably one of the least enviable things going. It's not "time off" in the sense of a year long holiday, its exercising a statutory right to be with your child at a highly reduced rate of pay.

Very disappointed in the sexism in this thread.

It is a year off work though and for the foreseeable your holidays from work are likely to be comparable to mat leave (ie you’ll be looking after children). I went back to work during lockdown after mat leave and I can tell you know my mat leave was a bloody breeze compared to working while looking after a baby and a toddler during lockdown. I feel sorry for my friends with lockdown babies as they haven’t had the same mat leave they would have otherwise had but they were spared juggling childcare and work which was awful so in that sense they were lucky to be off when they were.

I think the point is that many mums aren't able to have anywhere near a years leave, so would be doing both "jobs". (Sleepless nights, etc, plus paid employment) You got to have a year off of one of the jobs. Though "any nice trips?" during a pandemic is a little disingenuous! That said, in normal times why wouldn't you take advantage of not being at work and have some trips with your baby?

I loved mat leave! Definitely better than working (outside of the home 😉)

I know many women who have babies to take advantage of maternity leave!

@GoldenOmber

Did every one of those women ACTUALLY tell you "I only had this very expensive child I have to look after for at least the next 18 years and then beyond just to get some maternity leave" or is this just a shitty envy-filled judgement about them you've decided to take?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I know many women who have babies to take advantage of maternity leave!

@GoldenOmber

Did every one of those women ACTUALLY tell you "I only had this very expensive child I have to look after for at least the next 18 years and then beyond just to get some maternity leave" or is this just a shitty envy-filled judgement about them you've decided to take?

Think you’ve tagged the wrong poster there…

So technically you were not in the work place, that can’t be disputed.

But the the language they are using is belittling a trying and/or lovely time for you.

I don’t blame you bristling at that on a personal level and I believe it shows how little they think of maternity leave/rights/the place of women in general.

If they’re just making 'welcome back small talk' why don’t they ask about the baby? How your year was? Etc etc

Feck sorry @GoldenOmber

@Goatinthegarden

Nobody made you have the baby. You took a paid year away from your place of work and paid responsibilities to pursue a personal dream, albeit one that involves a bit of effort.

I don’t have children through choice because it looks like drudgery I don’t really want to do. People with children tell me it’s an amazing experience and I am really missing out, I’ll never know love like it, etc..

So forgive me for thinking that if someone has time off work ‘birthing a child’ that they made a conscious decision to have, then it might have been a mostly enjoyable experience for them.

@Goatinthegarden You dont get a full paid year off.

I know many women who have babies to take advantage of maternity leave!

@Namechangeme1

Did every one of those women ACTUALLY tell you "I only had this very expensive child I have to look after for at least the next 18 years and then beyond just to get some maternity leave" or is this just a shitty envy-filled judgement about them you've decided to take?

The thing is, after kids, even when I do take a holiday it involves 15 hours a day of childcare, so maternity leave = non relaxing holiday. They are now indistinguishable.