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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 13/05/2021 07:01

@Goatinthegarden

Nobody made you have the baby. You took a paid year away from your place of work and paid responsibilities to pursue a personal dream, albeit one that involves a bit of effort.

I don’t have children through choice because it looks like drudgery I don’t really want to do. People with children tell me it’s an amazing experience and I am really missing out, I’ll never know love like it, etc..

So forgive me for thinking that if someone has time off work ‘birthing a child’ that they made a conscious decision to have, then it might have been a mostly enjoyable experience for them.

Yeah, clearly you don’t have children... “a bit of effort”? So it looks like drudgery you don’t want to do, but if someone chooses it then they must find it easier than going out to work? Can you not understand that having children can simultaneously be an amazing experience and also a very difficult and exhausting one?

Dear god, this thread. I feel for you OP - it’s perfectly reasonable to assume you could come to a site called mumsnet and express how it feels to be spoken to in this tone about something you’ve found really hard and traumatic in parts. I would have been really angry too.

I was self employed when I got pregnant. Turned out to be twins, born early, couple of months in hospital and both have disabilities. I actually started a part time job when they were about 10 months old because I needed a break - those unaccompanied train journeys and adult-only meetings were the equivalent of a spa break for me at that point.

Nobody has ever spoken to me like this OP, it has never been suggested to me that my time at home is a break, I guess because most people understand that twins ranges from exhausting to terrifying and wouldn’t want to do it themselves.

All the “well my maternity leave was blissful” crowd have shown up too, and I’ve only ever met one woman who thinks like this - her baby had been sleeping through from very early and barely cried. I’m sure that makes the difference!

Of course a lot depends on the job - most people I know find their jobs easier but we all have nice middle class jobs 🤷‍♀️

And yes we are very fortunate to have such generous ML in this country compared to others - that still doesn’t make it a holiday.

AlmostSummer21 · 13/05/2021 07:04

@TurquoiseKiss

Thanks for the responses. Maybe I am being a snowflake about it, I think it’s the lack of the term “leave” that annoys me when people talk about it. As in, it gets my back up to hear “this happened while you took a year off” rather than “this happened during your maternity leave”.
For the live of all things holy. Perhaps write them a list of permitted words & phrases

You DID take a year off work. It really doesn't matter to anyone else whether you nursed an elderly parent, looked after your own baby, built a house or spent it lying on a beach... you were not at work.

lavenderandwisteria · 13/05/2021 07:04

My maternity leave has been lovely now (it wasn’t in January and February in lockdown but that’s another story) but I’d still argue against it being a ‘year off.’

It’s the connotations of that comment which suggest a lack of commitment to the workplace. Language is not just something harmless and a by the by sort or thing ... hence why certain words and phrases constitute hate speech.

Obviously that doesn’t apply here but language is important and it matters.

‘Did you have a happy and healthy maternity leave?’ - fine.

‘Did you have a good year off?’ - not fine, IMO.

lavenderandwisteria · 13/05/2021 07:05

There are actually certain words and phrases that are not generally permitted in common parlance almost

Countrygirl2021 · 13/05/2021 07:06

But it's true. It is a year away from work where your time is your own (obviously looking after baby). I loved being home to lay with my babies, sit in the sunshine, see friends and not have to rush around.

Yes it's tiring but it's a lot easier than getting up every day and going to work for 8 hours.

youngandbroken · 13/05/2021 07:08

I came back from maternity leave and was asked "how was your holiday" I had an extremely traumatic birth, both myself and baby had almost died, spent 4 sleepless nights on my own in hospital after a c-section and still extremely unwell (this would be OK but all the other mums had their husbands there so I was the only woman alone), had sepsis 4 weeks later and then spent the next 8 months with a non sleeping baby who wouldnt take a bottle or even go to her dad for the majority of that time, dealing with her big sister who was being very difficult because it was a big change for her too - and is still traumatised from seeing me carted off in an ambulance twice, suffering severe PND and on my own 90% of the time because my partner works very long hours.

I could have strangled the person who called it a holiday! Yes, we did choose to have the baby, but it is no bloody holiday.

CoalCraft · 13/05/2021 07:09

It is a year off work though? I'm loving it. Wish I could afford to stay home permanently as it's much easier than work, especially now the newborn stage is over.

CoalCraft · 13/05/2021 07:11

Oh and it's not like I had a particularly easy time of it. DD was born 7 weeks early and I spent 3 weeks in NICU with her. It was bloody stressful, and so were the first few months she was home. Still enjoying it as a break from work.

PomegranateQueen · 13/05/2021 07:14

Oh God, pre DCs I probably said this to a colleague returning from maternity. They are just politely asking how you are, things are probably ever so slightly akward because they haven't seen you in a year. They probably also want to ask how you are in a general way in order to avoid your birth story, stories of shitty nappies etc.

Sexism happens in the workplace (I know!) but I do think it's too far to suggest that this is sexism fgs.

Clarabella77 · 13/05/2021 07:16

Exactly. I am actually surprised at some of the responses here. Hmm

The OP is merely pointing out that she is surprised at how many people view her mat leave as a holiday. I don't think all the judgement is warranted. It's not a holiday. It's time off from a paid role - not all of it paid - to look after a new baby. Childbearing or childcare is work and it plays an important role in our society. Yes, the OP's colleagues were just making small talk but if maternity leave or family leave is regarded as a perk rather than a workplace right it undermines a lot of equality progress in the workplace. This stuff matters.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/05/2021 07:17

I don't think you're being a snowflake. But I dont get them asking about trips. Do you live in the uk?
Do these people have kids themselves?
I think many people just won't get it unfortunately unless/until they have kids. And sometimes not even then judging by many of the comments on this thread.

I think yanbu to want to change the language used and people's attitudes around this rather than 'suck it up'.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/05/2021 07:18

You’ve had a year off work, not sure why you are making a big deal out of them acknowledging that. You were free to do as you pleased with no pressure of work, boss, deadlines etc.

MildredPuppy · 13/05/2021 07:19

To be fair we use sick leave to cover people having terrible illnessess and compassionate leave after a death so leave doesnt mean fun. Maybe we need maternity recovery (for the first bit of mat leave anyway) followed by childcare absence. Sounds less holiday like.

I think i would just say my time away was life changing and i am enjoying the rest now im back.

Fixitup2 · 13/05/2021 07:21

I’m so confused by this thread. When I had a year off work for maternity leave, not during a pandemic, I did go on some nice trips. I also ´got up to some thing nice’. Yes you’re looking after your baby but you can still do other things.
Why can’t you just answer about what else you did? The best thing about going back is that you get to talk about things other than baby.

sashh · 13/05/2021 07:22

How about

"If you'd had your genitals ripped to bits and sewn back together you would need a year off too"

Or

"A year off? I'm so glad to be back and have a rest and some adult company"

Narwhalsh · 13/05/2021 07:23

‘Glad to be back in the office for a break, some peace and a hot cup of tea, thanks!’

I found working a paid job is by far and away the easier option Wink

KarensChoppyBob · 13/05/2021 07:23

Are some people deliberately being obtuse?

The reason nannies, nursery workers, au pairs etc are PAID to care for children is because it is WORK.

Being the biological parent doesn't make it any less work, just increases it to 24/7.

Internalised misogyny is bang on.

NotReallyFeelingIt · 13/05/2021 07:23

I just always laughed and said 'yeah and I'm glad to be back here for a bit of a rest!'

That did the trick. YABU and YANBU. Some people do see maternity as a giant holiday when it can be hard work. However we are lucky to live somewhere we have the opportunity and laws in place to allow this time and it is time away from your day job that some people will never have.

I wouldn't let it get to you.

EverythingRuined · 13/05/2021 07:24

@TurquoiseKiss

I’m asking for tips to change the narrative around maternity leave being viewed by some as a ‘holiday’.
Why? I had an absolute blast on maternity. It was a million times easier for me than work. I completely understand that other people have it much harder but I wouldn't feel that I would need educating about it😅

I wouldn't worry about it but you can always tell people you had a hard time of your maternity leave if you wish. I think there are plenty of people who find it difficult.

Alexapissoff · 13/05/2021 07:25

Say, “Oh, piss off”*

*this may be the reason I’m shit at keeping jobs.

Alexapissoff · 13/05/2021 07:27

The reason nannies, nursery workers, au pairs etc are PAID to care for children is because it is WORK.

Oh yes. But I pointed that out to someone once who then looked me up and down and said “I’d my nanny was like you, I’d sack her”.

I was in the depths of PND at the time, so that was nice.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/05/2021 07:28

I’ve only ever met one woman who thinks like this - her baby had been sleeping through from very early and barely cried.

DD was premature and growth restricted. She spent 2 weeks in NICU.she then got very poorly twice in her first year so had a couple of weeks in intensive care at about 3 months old, followed by another week in hospital later on. We had toddler DS too.

Yes there were hard parts but its perfectly possible to enjoy all the other bits of maternity leave. I remember sitting in the sunshine in an NCT friends garden when our babies were about 7m old, the babies were crawling about on a blanket and and we had 3 older ones between us too, it was a really lovely afternoon, there were plenty of nice days.

Maybe I enjoyed it more because my office job is a high responsibility slog

Pinchoftums · 13/05/2021 07:29

It was a spectacularly shit year to have off!
But I got over the initial awfulness of a newborn my 6 months off was more interesting than being in work. But I was lucky got to meet lots of new people, eat out at restaurants for lunch, nice playgroups. This year I imagine was very different.
However who gives a shit what they think.

Doghead · 13/05/2021 07:29

Get over yourself. You had a year off work.....for whatever reason, it was a year off work.

Heyha · 13/05/2021 07:30

Unless every single one of them is childless, they will already know this and are just making an effort at conversation with someone they haven't seen for a year.

I always used to say I was glad to be back at work for some peace and quiet (which was true!), but then I like my colleagues and knew they weren't trying to be horrible.