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Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 13/05/2021 07:57

I usually ask if they'd like to swap Grin no-one has ever taken me up on the offer funnily enough! It also works for wouldn't you rather be at home type questions - no thank you but I'm more than happy for you to look after them for 40 hours a week if you think it would be nice?!

HeadNorth · 13/05/2021 08:01

Just let it go - I bet quite a few of them are women who have had children themselves (and if they are older than you, will not have had a years maternity leave when they had their children). They are just making conversation - getting a year off is great, I had nothing like that when my adult children were little. From memory I think I was entitled to 4 months, so I gave up work for a while. Things have really improved for mum's in the workplace which is great - don't be a Debbie Downer to your colleagues about it, especially as they may not have benefitted from the maternity provision you had.

Ylvamoon · 13/05/2021 08:01

Ahh, just talk about that poonami nappy at 2am ... promise, they soon move on to a different subject!

MaryShelley1818 · 13/05/2021 08:01

It IS a year off work and we haven't been on lockdown for the entire year.
I'm currently on Maternity Leave with my 2nd and also have a toddler who I looked after whilst working and doing a full time degree. New baby is hard work atm and I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours at a time since she was born nearly 4mths ago!
HOWEVER in the last year we have had trips to Edinburgh, Yorkshire and the Lake District. Some lovely days out, baby classes etc I would still be able to let people know about the nice things we have done which is what people are asking...It sounds like they're just trying to be nice.

Nellle · 13/05/2021 08:01

Well, I'm about to start mat leave to have my first baby.

Great to hear how easy it's going to be from the sound of this thread! 😀

Imonlyhumanafterall2021 · 13/05/2021 08:01

It is a year off from the workplace for something you presumably wanted to do and so why get upset when people ask if you had a nice year off.

Years ago people didn't have the opportunity to have such a long amount of time (sometimes paid) with their baby - it is a wonderful opportunity be grateful you live in a society that supports this. Don't look for the negatives in every situation!

Imonlyhumanafterall2021 · 13/05/2021 08:02

@trilbydoll

I usually ask if they'd like to swap Grin no-one has ever taken me up on the offer funnily enough! It also works for wouldn't you rather be at home type questions - no thank you but I'm more than happy for you to look after them for 40 hours a week if you think it would be nice?!
I would go back in time and jump on the opportunity of a full year off work - yes please I'll swap.
GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 08:03

It sounds like they're just trying to be nice.

“I wish I could have a year off” and “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year off” aren’t just people trying to be nice.

Imonlyhumanafterall2021 · 13/05/2021 08:03

@HeadNorth

Just let it go - I bet quite a few of them are women who have had children themselves (and if they are older than you, will not have had a years maternity leave when they had their children). They are just making conversation - getting a year off is great, I had nothing like that when my adult children were little. From memory I think I was entitled to 4 months, so I gave up work for a while. Things have really improved for mum's in the workplace which is great - don't be a Debbie Downer to your colleagues about it, especially as they may not have benefitted from the maternity provision you had.
Indeed this. So very very lucky - enjoy it and realise how lucky you are.
paralysedbyinertia · 13/05/2021 08:04

Meh, I loved being off on maternity leave. It was hard work, of course, especially during the first few weeks, but I did feel like it was a long holiday tbh. I didn't have to answer to anyone during that time, and there was no real pressure, other than the demands of looking after dd. If I was tired, we could have a lazy day etc. I spent lots of time with friends, going to coffee shops, sitting in the garden etc. We traveled a bit, too.

Yes, dd was a terribly bad sleeper, and the sleep deprivation was hard, but tbh, that carried on long after I returned to work, and it was so much easier to deal with when there weren't any other responsibilities to think about. So yes, I experienced it as a "year off" and wouldn't be remotely offended by anyone saying so. The fact that I enjoyed it doesn't diminish how important it was!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 13/05/2021 08:07

Can we please not tell women who live a country with one of the worst maternity packages on the continent that they're "lucky". A PP put it well - we can't conflate human rights with perks of the job

Narwhalsh · 13/05/2021 08:08

@BarbaraofSeville no I definitely don’t have an easy job but I’ve been doing it for far longer than I had/have been parenting so it is, by comparison, easier. New parent and a new baby makes for a lot of learning in a very short space of time and once you think you’ve got the hang of it, the baby changes all the rules! And in my case (and many cases) doing it largely alone because partner is working and little/no local support network because friends are at work/working. Not to mention the sleep deprivation... I could go on but full time childcare is definitely harder for me.

enjoyingscience · 13/05/2021 08:08

It is a year off, and presumably you’ve had a much wanted child? So it’s not unreasonable of your colleagues to assume that you enjoyed your time off with your child. You’re also incredibly privileged to have been able to afford to take the whole year, something many many women can’t do. If you hated mat leave so much you could have come back to work earlier, don’t act like it’s an act of sacred martyrdom.

Adventureswith · 13/05/2021 08:09

Forget it, having been there the best thing you can do to integrate is get back into work. There will be people who get that it's not a 'holiday' but you can't get away from the fact that you've had a year out of the workplace and some people resent that or are a bit jealous... I went PT when I got back for a year or 2 and had to put up with endless comments about how lucky I was - we have flex options tho and when I offered my staff 3/4 days a week a reduced pay they all turned it down...

PomegranateQueen · 13/05/2021 08:09

All those agreeing with the OP, what do you say to parents who take time off in the school holidays? They are off work, but give me a squishy newborn over two hyper primary age children in a crowded soft play in the holidays Grin It's hard work, but it's not being 'at work'.

youngandbroken · 13/05/2021 08:10

Frankly I think it all boils down the completely ridiculous debate/competition between mothers who work full time and mothers who are stay at home parents. What works for one family won't be what's best for another, and what one person finds easy/hard won't be what another person finds easy/hard, likewise just because one person has been through an awful time doesn't mean that nobody else is ever allowed to struggle - but there will always be ignorant people who can't understand that and so the best thing to do is just ignore them.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 08:11

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Can we please not tell women who live a country with one of the worst maternity packages on the continent that they're "lucky". A PP put it well - we can't conflate human rights with perks of the job
Yes, exactly! If one of my colleagues tells me they’ve just had a really knackering week, I wouldn’t say “oh my God do you realise how lucky you are, did you know Victorian servants worked 90-hour weeks and had no employment rights?”
paralysedbyinertia · 13/05/2021 08:11

@PomegranateQueen

All those agreeing with the OP, what do you say to parents who take time off in the school holidays? They are off work, but give me a squishy newborn over two hyper primary age children in a crowded soft play in the holidays Grin It's hard work, but it's not being 'at work'.
I always loved taking time off with dc in the holidays. Surely this is time off as well?Confused
KarensChoppyBob · 13/05/2021 08:11

@Nellle

Well, I'm about to start mat leave to have my first baby.

Great to hear how easy it's going to be from the sound of this thread! 😀

Brace yourself Nellle Grin.
Youngatheart00 · 13/05/2021 08:12

But you DID have a year off work.

The fact you had a baby is a personal choice.

If they are implying you’ve had a year of chill time, that’s obviously different, but you have had a year away from the workplace which a lot of people would just salivate over right now.

PoppenhuisStories · 13/05/2021 08:13

Wait until you come back from an actual holiday with a toddler! I can already hear you internally screaming ‘it was not a holiday’. I think by the time my youngest is 4 holidays may start to feel vaguely leisurely again.

Iwonder08 · 13/05/2021 08:13

OP, with all sympathy as a fellow working mum of a young child it was indeed a year off. From your work's perspective you took a paid time off. Work didn't make you do it, you decided to do so. Your colleagues are just making conversations with a person who they haven't seen for a year. It will be over in a week once novelty wears off. Also quite a large number of mothers enjoy this year off. I think you are beigg too sensitive. Your colleagues also don't need to know all the gory details of the sleepless nights you had, it is a work place.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 08:13

If they are implying you’ve had a year of chill time, that’s obviously different

They clearly are implying that though! How else would you interpret “ you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work”?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 13/05/2021 08:14

All those agreeing with the OP, what do you say to parents who take time off in the school holidays? They are off work, but give me a squishy newborn over two hyper primary age children in a crowded soft play in the holidays It's hard work, but it's not being 'at work

That a holiday like anybody has but with small people. Maternity leave isn't a holiday it's a long period of hard work of giving birth and taking care of another human. It's not a holiday.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 08:18

I don’t get the “but you CHOSE to have a baby, it was YOUR PERSONAL CHOICE” stuff either.

I chose my job. Nobody made me do this particular job. Yes I had to do some job or I won’t have money, but likewise somebody in society needs to be having babies, or I won’t have any pension payments or state benefits or people providing goods and services I need when I’m old. It’s not the same as having a self-indulgent year off to build up my model railway collection.

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