To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

[TurquoiseKiss]

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

I'm sorry some people had traumatic births and difficult babies. But you did know that there are millions of mothers out there like you who either didn't qualify or couldn't afford year long maternity leave, yes? They had to get over their trauma within a couple of months and then be up all night with their bad sleepers and still go to work next day.

It's ridiculous to claim martyrdom if you choose to take a year off. Parenting is hard, but most parents have to parent and also go to paid work.

Also if looking after a baby/small child is such incredibly hard work for every second of the day, I hope those same posters who are now back at work, pay their childminders or nannies the amount that such terribly hard work is worth.

For the record I was one of those mothers with a traumatic birth, an emergency Caesarian, and other pregnancy and post natal medical and pain issues. And I still think people are massively exaggerating.

@LostThings

OP I don't think being on maternity leave is like being on holiday at all, which is what your colleagues are implying. I wish mumsnet was a more supportive place at times. I personally would talk at work about how hard the past year has been for you, then leave it at that. I can only imagine a lot of your colleagues aren't parents yet, or if they are they are just joking with you. The baby years are hard for most people, despite what many pps are saying on here.

This is spot on.

For a parenting website, MN can be extraordinarily critical and unsupportive of some new mums. Especially AIBU.

All at a time when they are often feeling fairly vulnerable too, as I know I did when the time came to go back to work.

I mean, the alternative is for everyone to assume that maternity leave is a heinous experience

No, the alternative is to recognise that women are doing something during maternity leave, not just getting a year’s treat as a bonus for having a baby. And that this something is why maternity leave is an important right for women and babies. Whether an individual woman finds or traumatic or fantastic is not the point, because something can be important work without being miserable to experience.

@TheWeeDonkey

Jesus Christ, remind me why I hate AIBU again?

Welcome to Mumsnet the "Parenting" website. Sorry you're getting so many wankers on your thread OP it seems there are a lot of people here with a chip on their shoulder.

Unfortunately I think like PPs have said people who don't want to understand won't understand. I hate to tell you welcome to being a working mum, because it sounds so daunting but IME its a case of damned if you do damned if you don't. Its a good stage to learn the fine art of not giving a fuck.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@GoldenOmber Again, I don't believe that anyone is saying that maternity leave involves doing no work at all. I don't think anyone in their right mind thinks that raising a newborn involves literally no effort, or that it's akin to a beach holiday.

The problem is with wanting everyone to recognise that it's important work. Raising a newborn is important to the parents and their wider family, but not to that person's colleagues (other than in an abstract sense i.e. in ensuring that a baby isn't neglected with all the societal consequences that flow from that). Similarly, me spending some annual leave renovating my house isn't a "holiday" - it's me doing work during my break from the workplace. It's involved, sometimes arduous and stressful, but overall beneficial to my life. It's probably not considered by my colleagues to be important work and they'd probably express the same feelings of envy at my having had some time away. I consider that fair enough.

For a parenting website, MN can be extraordinarily critical and unsupportive of some new mums. Especially AIBU

It’s hardly unsupportive to disagree with someone.

@Blossomtoes

For a parenting website, MN can be extraordinarily critical and unsupportive of some new mums. Especially AIBU

It’s hardly unsupportive to disagree with someone.

It is very unsupportive when people call the OP precious and a snowflake.

I'd try to forget about the comments, when I was younger and anyone had a baby and maternity leave I used to think, christ that must've been hard & tiring & feel awful they were back here so soon!

Most people won't be so ignorant. It's just stupid flippant young person commentary

I know MN is not only for Parents but I do think it often attracts a certain type of goady poster who wants to make a point at the expense of 'mums'.

@BraxtonChic your post makes literally zero sense. If you would ‘choose’ to do all those things as a first choice then why the fuck did you have a baby instead? You know they’re not compulsory...

It is very unsupportive when people call the OP precious and a snowflake

It certainly would be if anyone had.

Maternity leave is a year off work. No one is saying there isn’t ridiculously hard bits of being a parent but it’s a year off work.

It’s also a choice.

I don't think anyone in their right mind thinks that raising a newborn involves literally no effort, or that it's akin to a beach holiday.

Plenty of people do indeed think it is nice time off to spend as you choose, a relaxing break from work, an unfair perk that mums get which should be made more equitable by giving everyone a mat-leave-equivalent to spend as they choose, etc etc etc. They do. They really really do.

It's because maternity is undervalued, but it's also more broadly because caring for others is undervalued. I used to do (paid) care work and you would probably think that nobody ever in their right mind could ever ever think that's an easy relaxing time, but people genuinely actually did. I once had someone ask what I did on a shift - "do you sit around playing card games with the old ladies?"

People - many many people - massively underestimate what caring for another human being involves, or why measures to support it are is of benefit to wider society and not some unfair perk to the person doing the caring. You can twist yourself into knots trying to find ways to interpret the OP's colleagues' comments in a way that means they do really recognise what a hard time it is, and how it's not just "a year off", but you're missing the fundamental point that a lot of people really do think like this. They do. Honestly, they do. And when politicians start making noises about reducing rights to maternity pay and leave, these are the people who'll think "well, fair enough, nobody's funding my holiday so why did she get one."

@KarensChoppyBob

I know MN is not only for Parents but I do think it often attracts a certain type of goady poster who wants to make a point at the expense of 'mums'.

Quite a few mums have posted as well though. There is no hive mind.

Of course. Me included.

@Blossomtoes

It is very unsupportive when people call the OP precious and a snowflake

It certainly would be if anyone had.

"You asked if you were being a snowflake, the majority have said yes 🤷‍♀️ you were off work!!! Deal with it!!"

"Yes you are being a snowflake about it. It IS a time off from the workplace."

"I’m sorry OP but you’re being a snowflake"

Why do you need to explain anything to anyone? Lots of people have maternity leave and it is away from the office so it is a break from work.... Yes it to do something else but it's still a ‘break from work’
Why are you taking it as an insult? You have been away from the office for a yet and people are simply acknowledging that

Wow. The MRAs are rampant on this thread, aren't they!

Pay them no mind OP.

As for your colleagues, I think I'd just go for vague smiling, then changing the subject.

Nobody is forced to take an entire year off. I chose to, because I was enjoying maternity leave. If you hate it or are finding it a massive slog, go back at six months.

It’s ridiculous to expect sympathy from your work colleagues for how hard it is being at home with a baby, when you have chosen to be at home with your baby.

@GoldenOmber

I don't think anyone in their right mind thinks that raising a newborn involves literally no effort, or that it's akin to a beach holiday.

Plenty of people do indeed think it is nice time off to spend as you choose, a relaxing break from work, an unfair perk that mums get which should be made more equitable by giving everyone a mat-leave-equivalent to spend as they choose, etc etc etc. They do. They really really do.

It's because maternity is undervalued, but it's also more broadly because caring for others is undervalued. I used to do (paid) care work and you would probably think that nobody ever in their right mind could ever ever think that's an easy relaxing time, but people genuinely actually did. I once had someone ask what I did on a shift - "do you sit around playing card games with the old ladies?"

People - many many people - massively underestimate what caring for another human being involves, or why measures to support it are is of benefit to wider society and not some unfair perk to the person doing the caring. You can twist yourself into knots trying to find ways to interpret the OP's colleagues' comments in a way that means they do really recognise what a hard time it is, and how it's not just "a year off", but you're missing the fundamental point that a lot of people really do think like this. They do. Honestly, they do. And when politicians start making noises about reducing rights to maternity pay and leave, these are the people who'll think "well, fair enough, nobody's funding my holiday so why did she get one."

You’re kind of arguing against yourself there. I completely support women having proper maternity leave. I also support people with caring responsibilities having the right to paid time off. So, yes, I do think it should be more equitable.

YABU you had a whole year off. I only took a few months off as work was so short staffed and can guarantee was harder working and having a new born.

You’re kind of arguing against yourself there. I completely support women having proper maternity leave. I also support people with caring responsibilities having the right to paid time off. So, yes, I do think it should be more equitable

I don't see what that's got to do with anything I just said, but okay, good for you for supporting carers of all kinds.

@GoldenOmber I’m not twisting myself in knots to argue that colleagues recognise what a hard time it is. I think some do and some don’t. But saying it’s a year off from the workplace is an absolutely factual statement, and not the same thing as “you’ve spent a year doing absolutely no work at all”. I don’t believe that plenty of people think that maternity leave is spent doing nothing. They might think that it’s a nice time to spend as you like and a relaxing break - and from this thread, it’s clear that for some, mat leave is just that. You might want the default to be that everyone assumes those people are outliers and that the most likely mat leave experience is miserable-but-important - but I just don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.

People do undervalue the caring professions and perhaps maternity leave is a part of that that I don’t fully appreciate, but I also think that as a cause, trying to change the perception of maternity leave into a unrelenting slog to justify its existence isn’t the best feminist argument.

People do undervalue the caring professions and perhaps maternity leave is a part of that that I don’t fully appreciate, but I also think that as a cause, trying to change the perception of maternity leave into a unrelenting slog to justify its existence

I have not done that, not said that, and indeed said exactly the opposite of that. Look, here:

No, the alternative is to recognise that women are doing something during maternity leave, not just getting a year’s treat as a bonus for having a baby. And that this something is why maternity leave is an important right for women and babies. Whether an individual woman finds or traumatic or fantastic is not the point, because something can be important work without being miserable to experience