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Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
TabithaTiger · 13/05/2021 18:09

Should we no longer ask parents if they enjoyed their weekend then, or their annual leave? Because on this basis it's not enjoyable, or leave, when you have a baby or small children Hmm

Seriously, I wonder why people bother to make conversation sometimes as pretty much everything you say seems to offend someone. Having a baby is a choice, you're not doing it for the greater good of society. Yes, sometimes it is really hard, but surely some of your mat leave was enjoyable?

Summersun2020 · 13/05/2021 18:11

What? Of course it is a year off 🙄

IntermittentParps · 13/05/2021 18:11

Nobody is saying that it isn't "work"
Lots of people are, most pertinently the people at OP's workplace asking her about all these 'trips' they think she went on and wishing they could have a 'year off'.

Blossom,
Of course I think women of my generation won them - who do you think did? The equality fairies? Um, no, my point was that NO ONE has 'won' a fight for equal rights. As you actually say in your next para, so I don't really know what you were on about.

Unfortunately women’s rights won’t be taken seriously when debates like this are going on because they draw attention from major issues that need to be addressed.
That's exactly the argument that impedes progress on this issue. Everything is important, major and 'minor' issues alike. 'small' things like people thinking ML is a year 'off' all add up.

IntermittentParps · 13/05/2021 18:12

Should we no longer ask parents if they enjoyed their weekend then, or their annual leave? Because on this basis it's not enjoyable, or leave, when you have a baby or small children
Doesn't make sense. A weekend and annual leave are holidays. ML isn't.

trixies · 13/05/2021 18:14

@GoldenOmber So your argument is that mat leaves can be enjoyable and relaxing, but mustn’t be seen as or referred to as such by their coworkers, lest this dilute the perception that the leave was for the purposes of doing important work?

If something can be important without being miserable then why does it matter if people act as if it’s an enjoyable experience?

I’m genuinely confused.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/05/2021 18:14

@IntermittentParps

Should we no longer ask parents if they enjoyed their weekend then, or their annual leave? Because on this basis it's not enjoyable, or leave, when you have a baby or small children Doesn't make sense. A weekend and annual leave are holidays. ML isn't.
How is a weekend at home with DC any different to ML at home with DC?
GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 18:19

So your argument is that mat leaves can be enjoyable and relaxing, but mustn’t be seen as or referred to as such by their coworkers

No, my argument is that ‘enjoyable’ and ‘relaxing’ are different things. Something can be important and fulfilling and still hard work.

My job is enjoyable. It is not relaxing.

My maternity leaves were enjoyable. They were not relaxing.

When I worked in care homes, I found that work enjoyable and fulfilling and worthwhile and important. It was not, however, relaxing.

Part of the minimisation of care work is that it’s seen as not really work at all.

Topseyt · 13/05/2021 18:20

@Blossomtoes

It is very unsupportive when people call the OP precious and a snowflake

It certainly would be if anyone had.

They did, if you bothered to read the thread.
Whitegrapewine · 13/05/2021 18:20

It's not a year off.
Sick leave is not a year off.
Losing your job and being unemployed until you find another is not a year off.
Bereavement leave is not a month off.

Bad or difficult, tiring things are typically called time AWAY from work or LEAVE.

When someone says "time off" the absolutely clear implication is that they think you're doing something fun and discretionary. Like a holiday or a rest.

While having a baby is a choice, the whole year is not a holiday or rest.

People do think care work doesn't count or isn't valuable, and this muddled thinking is evident on the thread. Please let's value maternity work as it deserves.

trixies · 13/05/2021 18:20

Would anyone here genuinely respond to a colleague saying, on a Friday afternoon, “ah it’ll be so nice not to work tomorrow...” with “how DARE you imply I’m not doing any work on a Saturday! I have a child!”

You know there’s a difference between “work” and “workplace”.

saraclara · 13/05/2021 18:22

"Nobody is saying that it isn't "work"

Lots of people are, most pertinently the people at OP's workplace asking her about all these 'trips' they think she went on and wishing they could have a 'year off'.

I went on trips while I was on maternity leave. And yes I'm sure lots of people would like a year of their paid work, even if it involved a different kind of work at home.

Jeeeze all these pages reading way too much into welcoming small talk that will have been forgotten as soon as all the colleagues started their work.

Normal people just laugh off similar comments "well you're welcome to have a year off and look after little Ben for me!"
Both parties understand that it's light conversation that means little.

trixies · 13/05/2021 18:22

@Whitegrapewine What about annual LEAVE? I use that to go on HOLIDAY! Shock

Kendodd · 13/05/2021 18:23

It is a year off, it's even worth having baby for.
I loved it so much I did it three times.

NiceTwin · 13/05/2021 18:25

I loved my year off.
No commute, no office politics just my lovely baby to snuggle and nurture.
Yes, there was sleep deprivation but that was a whole heap worse when I had to get up for work.

People will think it was a holiday whatever you say, so say nothing.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 18:26

It is a year off. Why do some folks need to find offence in everything.

A year off doesn’t mean being a parent doesn’t take effort. But it’s a year off just like your two weeks in the summer is. You’re still parenting during that. Are you going to shout you weren’t off then either and how hard it is parenting? Should all parents do this?

ElderMillennial · 13/05/2021 18:26

Get over yourself OP

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 18:27

[quote trixies]@Whitegrapewine What about annual LEAVE? I use that to go on HOLIDAY! Shock[/quote]
Do you have kids? Do you not take them with you?

IntermittentParps · 13/05/2021 18:32

How is a weekend at home with DC any different to ML at home with DC?

On most given ordinary weekends people haven't just had to grow and birth a baby or deal with possible post-birth health issues.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 18:34

And yes I'm sure lots of people would like a year of their paid work, even if it involved a different kind of work at home.

They can! All they have to do is give birth to or adopt a child. Simple!

Unless, of course, that means that your ‘year off’ gets a lot more difficult than just some nice time out of the office, and that’s why people don’t just get pregnant when they fancy a bit of a break.

Whitegrapewine · 13/05/2021 18:35

@trixies you used your leave for a nice thing, but leave isn't the same as time off. I think, anyway. "Time off to go to the dentist" just sounds wrong to me?

Kendodd · 13/05/2021 18:36

They can! All they have to do is give birth to or adopt a child. Simple!

I'm sure loads of people really do wish with their whole heart it was so simple.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 18:37

@trixies

Would anyone here genuinely respond to a colleague saying, on a Friday afternoon, “ah it’ll be so nice not to work tomorrow...” with “how DARE you imply I’m not doing any work on a Saturday! I have a child!”

You know there’s a difference between “work” and “workplace”.

Yeah, that’s exactly what we’d say. Being silly overreacting entitled mummies and all.

For someone who says you appreciate how undervalued care work is in our society, you seem awfully resistant to listening when some of the women actually doing said care work point out examples of said undervaluing.

saraclara · 13/05/2021 18:37

@IntermittentParps

How is a weekend at home with DC any different to ML at home with DC?

On most given ordinary weekends people haven't just had to grow and birth a baby or deal with possible post-birth health issues.

Oh for goodness sake. Most of us here have had babies. We know it's hard, we know it's painful at times, but jeeeze. Why are a few people making it sound like a year of absolute torture that makes them special and heroic? Especially as, again, some people have a particularly hard time of it but still have to go back to their workplace after a few weeks!
Blossomtoes · 13/05/2021 18:39

Of course I think women of my generation won them - who do you think did? The equality fairies? Um, no, my point was that NO ONE has 'won' a fight for equal rights. As you actually say in your next para, so I don't really know what you were on about

If that was your point, you didn’t make it very coherently. If nobody had won the right to maternity leave and pay, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Of course there’s still work to be done, that doesn’t diminish what’s already been achieved.

And you’re wrong. Focusing on trivia that makes people roll their eyes is what impedes progress because it means you’re not taken seriously.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/05/2021 18:43

If it hadn’t have been for Lockdown my plans for mat leave would have involved at least 4 holidays and learning a language fluently while completing my degree. Instead I dabbled in consultanting, decided I was good at it, and accepted a redundancy to do it alongside my degree.