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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
SuziQuatrosFatNan · 13/05/2021 16:06

Did you have a point?

SuziQuatrosFatNan · 13/05/2021 16:08

That was to @babyboomtastic btw

IntermittentParps · 13/05/2021 16:16

Thank you for what, Blossomtoes? Telling me something I already knew? Fighting for women's rights and then calling it 'trivial' when those using them object to thoughtless behaviour and language?

notacooldad · 13/05/2021 16:16

But she has not had bad experiences
. OK, so we can reword. 'Because you had no maternity rights, do you think it's OK for people to still be making light of/undervaluing maternity leave and all it entails?
What on earth are you going on about? You are quoting me I had maternity rights and I made the most of them and enjoyed being ' off work'

As for 'wistful comment saying they wish they could have a year off.' they can frankly fuck off and take their wist with them. It's thoughtless at best, and certainly low-level/unconscious sexism, to say to a colleague back from ML that she's had time 'off' in the sense of a holiday
Blimey, that is a rant.
I've heard mothers say it to other mothers and funny enough no one explodes and goes into orbit liket his! Crazy reaction.
It has felt like a holiday to many new mothers including me after the initial shock of the first week of having a baby. I loved the freedom of taking me and my baby where ever we fancied or staying in if we wanted. It was especially good that he was a summer baby. Sure its not like that for everyone but also can be like that for people as well!

TheLastLotus · 13/05/2021 16:18

Honestly OP they’re probably saying it because they don’t know what else to say. You’d probably also be pissy if nobody mentioned it at all and acted like you appeared out of thin air.
Also while SOME women may have had a traumatic time plenty of others didn’t. They’re not wrong, it is a holiday. If you’re unlucky enough to have a difficult birth/baby then that’s unfortunate but otherwise...

Blossomtoes · 13/05/2021 16:21

@IntermittentParps

Thank you for what, Blossomtoes? Telling me something I already knew? Fighting for women's rights and then calling it 'trivial' when those using them object to thoughtless behaviour and language?
Just fighting for women’s rights would do nicely. People like you make me wonder why I bothered.
Babyboomtastic · 13/05/2021 16:30

@SuziQuatrosFatNan

My point is that the end bit usually isn't maternity leave, but is annual leave, so its the same as anyone else with young children taking leave, and no one would bat an eyelid at asking someone with kids, who'd booked a week off, if they had a good break/time off/week away.

The OP can't criticise people for treating it like leave, when some of it literally is leave - just leave with children. It's just tacked on to the end. It's no different to someone using annual leave to do building work. Some people will use it for exciting holidays, others mundane things. Both are the same as far as work is concerned.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 16:37

Just fighting for women’s rights would do nicely. People like you make me wonder why I bothered.

Presumably you bothered because you recognised maternity leave and employment rights for mothers as important, not because you think mat leave is sitting around on holiday?

IntermittentParps · 13/05/2021 16:39

Sure its not like that for everyone but also can be like that for people as well!
Turn that sentence round and it would be considered, sensible and empathetic.

Blossomtoes, do you feel that women of your generation 'won' the fight for women's rights? And who are 'People like me' exactly? People who think we still have work to do on equality? Who think it's not OK for colleagues to make thoughtless and insensitive comments about giving birth and caring for a child being the same as a year 'off' or a 'holiday'?
I'm proud to be one of those 'People', if that's the case.

NewMatress · 13/05/2021 16:42

It is a year off from work. It was a year to spend with your family. What else would you do with a year off?

Blossomtoes · 13/05/2021 16:46

Blossomtoes, do you feel that women of your generation 'won' the fight for women's rights? And who are 'People like me' exactly? People who think we still have work to do on equality? Who think it's not OK for colleagues to make thoughtless and insensitive comments about giving birth and caring for a child being the same as a year 'off' or a 'holiday'? I'm proud to be one of those 'People', if that's the case

Of course I think women of my generation won them - who do you think did? The equality fairies?

Of course there’s still a long way to go. Equal pay is still only an aspiration nearly 50 years after the Act, that’s truly shocking. Unfortunately women’s rights won’t be taken seriously when debates like this are going on because they draw attention from major issues that need to be addressed.

Fucking feminists, eh? 🙄

LostThings · 13/05/2021 16:48

OP I don't think being on maternity leave is like being on holiday at all, which is what your colleagues are implying. I wish mumsnet was a more supportive place at times. I personally would talk at work about how hard the past year has been for you, then leave it at that. I can only imagine a lot of your colleagues aren't parents yet, or if they are they are just joking with you. The baby years are hard for most people, despite what many pps are saying on here.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 16:49

@NewMatress

It is a year off from work. It was a year to spend with your family. What else would you do with a year off?
Probably spend less of it caring for a baby while recovering from major surgery and massive blood loss. If I had a year off on holiday, I’d be sitting in the sun with my feet up and a good book.

I think most people can tell the difference between ‘time off on holiday’ and ‘time off for other reasons’? I was off for a while with (non-baby-related) health problems and surgery, and people generally refrained from saying “ooooh, lovely, wish I had that long off!” when I went back to work.

NewMatress · 13/05/2021 16:51

There must be a minute number of people for whom it takes a year to recover from the birth.

trixies · 13/05/2021 16:51

Good lord. Maternity leave is a break from employment. Nobody is saying that it isn't "work" - just that it's a break from the "workplace". Many people - parents, even! - feel envious at the idea of having a break from the 9-5 and just focussing on their household/children/other caring responsibilities. That doesn't mean that they're rolling back employment rights and/or devaluing the heroic sacrifice of new mothers and/or a threat to the equality of the sexes.

Having a baby benefits you and your household most directly (societal benefit is possible but not guaranteed; we're overpopulated and not in need of more babies; and nobody has children to benefit society in any case). Some people are likely to be insensitive about it because they don't see the immediate benefit to them. That doesn't make insensitivity OK but it doesn't warrant the outrage this thread has produced IMHO.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 16:54

@NewMatress

There must be a minute number of people for whom it takes a year to recover from the birth.
Ah okay, sorry. Yes for the first couple of months off after birth we’re recovering, and the rest of mat leave we’re sitting around with our feet up sipping mimosas by the pool.

Mat leave benefits mothers and babies, and the societies they are part of. It’s not some cushy perk that women tap into just by getting knocked up. It undermines the importance of social supports for new babies and their mothers by presenting it as a lovely relaxing break from work and wasn’t she lucky to get that.

Fixitup2 · 13/05/2021 16:54

@GoldenOmber if women only had 6 weeks off after having a baby they wouldn’t get the same reaction. Most women have recovered from giving birth after 6 weeks which leaves the rest of maternity leave to enjoy baby, or not. No one forces anyone to have more leave than the 6 weeks, it’s optional. So of course people can ask what you’ve done, if you enjoyed your time off etc.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 16:56

Nobody is saying that it isn't "work" - just that it's a break from the "workplace".

Yes, they are, though. “You’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work”? “It IS a holiday”?

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 16:59

So of course people can ask what you’ve done, if you enjoyed your time off etc.

“Have you enjoyed it”/“what did you do?”, fine.

“You look well, must have been nice to have a year off”/“I wish I could have a year off”, different.

TheWeeDonkey · 13/05/2021 17:00

Jesus Christ, remind me why I hate AIBU again?

Welcome to Mumsnet the "Parenting" website. Sorry you're getting so many wankers on your thread OP it seems there are a lot of people here with a chip on their shoulder.

Unfortunately I think like PPs have said people who don't want to understand won't understand. I hate to tell you welcome to being a working mum, because it sounds so daunting but IME its a case of damned if you do damned if you don't. Its a good stage to learn the fine art of not giving a fuck.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

trixies · 13/05/2021 17:01

@GoldenOmber I see the first as clearly referring to the workplace, given that it was a colleague who said it. The other was a comment on this thread from someone who'd have a relaxing time on their mat leave. They didn't say it wasn't work or that they were literally sunbathing in the Caribbean - just that it was a break from being at work. In the same way that it's possible to spend annual leave doing some "work" - e.g. house stuff - and yet still recognise that it's a "holiday" from the daily grind of your employment.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 17:07

Yes, I really enjoyed my holiday in hospital on morphine. I know technically it was sick leave, but I wasn’t at work, so it was a holiday really wasn’t it? Couldn’t move for people asking me what a nice relaxing time I’d had and saying “wish I could have time off like that” when I got back to the office.

Oh no, wait. Mysteriously, my sick leave was not seen as “a holiday” and “time off” that people should envy. How strange!

Harryfrog12 · 13/05/2021 17:07

I had 4 months maternity it was bloody lovely. Yes, the baby part made it slightly awkward for me to really enjoy it. Was still nice to have the time off my usual WORK though. Btw kids dont stop need shit when you go back so now you get the best of both worlds

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 17:12

Do women who take adoption leave get this kind of “what a nice holiday you had, wish I could have that much time off” comments?

(I would say “and men” but for some bizarre reason, most dads I know who’ve taken SPL/adoption leave do not get treated like they’re slackers having a nice break from work.)

trixies · 13/05/2021 17:14

@GoldenOmber Most people assume that the time spent with a new baby is quite distinct from having been at death's door.

I take the point that it's insensitive to assume that the birth experience and early days of raising a newborn were endlessly blissful, but it's a bit of a stretch to say that that insensitivity is a threat to women's rights.

I mean, the alternative is for everyone to assume that maternity leave is a heinous experience and to walk on eggshells around any returning mother, but that doesn't sound like it'd be acceptable to most either.