To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

[TurquoiseKiss]

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

You need more sleep! Being a little oversensitive. Also why are they asking if you have been on nice trips away? Hello 2020!!

I'm on maternity leave until September and won't put up with any sniff of this bullshit. Fortunately I'm senior enough to make a point and be listened to.
My mother went further than that. If we asked what days she was working she would never tell us; she'd just snarl at us that every day was a work day for her. God, martyrs are hard to live with.

@CoalTit

I'm on maternity leave until September and won't put up with any sniff of this bullshit. Fortunately I'm senior enough to make a point and be listened to. My mother went further than that. If we asked what days she was working she would never tell us; she'd just snarl at us that every day was a work day for her. God, martyrs are hard to live with.

Not really the same thing though, is it?

Saying that ML is not a year-long relaxing jolly at the expense of your employer and colleagues does not actually make you a snarling, aggressive martyr.

Also why are they asking if you have been on nice trips away? Hello 2020!!
There have been times during 2020 that you were allowed to go away. I fitted a few shortbreaks in as well and a holiday in the Cairngorms.
We also visited a few cities. All perfectly legal until the next lot of restrictions came in.
I loved my little trips with my baby when I was on mat leave. We'd go to Formby, Crosby Beach Lytham, Buxton and so on. The Op hasn't said there was a reason why she couldn't do similar. So I think it is a valid small talk question.
Again this is from my perspective but it is not uncommon to enjoy your time on mat leave away from the daily grind. I sometimes went with some of my Sil's who had babies around the same time as me.
Same thing is happening with the women who are have had babies in my team recently. Its really lovely to see their Facebook photos having a lovely time at St Anne's or Worden Park with their babies and toddlers. Of course a few of us have put comments such as 'well jealous! Wish I was there! Have a great time' and we mean it. We want our colleagues to enjoy their time off from dead lines work routines meetings and love the time with their babies and other children.

Exactly @GoldenOmbre. It's not a year off. It's a year away from the workplace for the particular circumstance of maternity. OP is still an employee and retains all contractual rights. All women who take mat leave do. How you personally spend that time, whether recovering from trauma or watching Netflix, is irrelevant in the the context of a workplace interaction.

Am quite amazed at the number of women on here who are so quick to devalue their employment rights and to accommodate comments about them that chip away at equality and parity.

Laugh hysterically😂

I’ve only read 3 and pages and can’t read anymore. I’m stunned at a lot about f the responses to the OP.

I’m due to go back to work soon and I had no idea that so many people did see it as a year off! I’ll need to have my stock answer ready.

Don't fret SG, at least this has prepared you for the worst of them. Good luck.

@SuziQuatrosFatNan

Exactly *@GoldenOmbre*. It's not a year off. It's a year away from the workplace for the particular circumstance of maternity. OP is still an employee and retains all contractual rights. All women who take mat leave do. How you personally spend that time, whether recovering from trauma or watching Netflix, is irrelevant in the the context of a workplace interaction.

Am quite amazed at the number of women on here who are so quick to devalue their employment rights and to accommodate comments about them that chip away at equality and parity.

This exactly!

It's all good and well to laugh off the OP as being oversensitive but it is surprising that so many don't realise the negative play going on.

Would you have preferred it for them to be saying you looked dreadful, asked you how hideous it was having a new-born during lockdown, etc.

Personally I'd prefer it if people just said, 'How are you?/'How's it been?' etc and then took their cue from my response, rather than saying shit like 'I wish I could take a year off'/'must have been nice to have a year break from work' etc, which is offensive and ill-informed.

@Doghead

OP also needs to remember that many women (the older ones) won't have had such a lengthy period of time off work on Mat Leave. In my day I could only dream of having a year off work. I had less than 3 months off then had to juggle full time work as a single parent. So to them, a year off work at home with baby sounds blissful.

I had no entitlement to maternity leave. When my first was born you just left your job unless you were extremely valuable to a very enlightened employer - who might retain you but certainly wouldn’t pay you.

I never thought I’d see the day when people were whinging about what their mat leave was called.

Nobody wants to listen to you saying "yeah but baby is hard work". Try humour by totally going the other way and saying that it was lovely to sleep in every morning and sit on your arse all day, smile and wink.

Did you enjoy your time off work?

"Yes it was great thanks"

"No I didn't have a good year "

@TurquoiseKiss

I’m asking for tips to change the narrative around maternity leave being viewed by some as a ‘holiday’.

It depends on your baby. I had 7 months off and because he was a good sleeper, and very portable, it largely was a holiday! Sorry.

I used to laugh and say I'd come back to work for a rest!

@SarahAndQuack

Ffs. It's not the same at all. Not even close.

How so, then?

Sure, the childminder isn't working 24/7. But otherwise? It's the same, isn't it? It's work.

Agree!

OP also needs to remember that many women (the older ones) won't have had such a lengthy period of time off work on Mat Leave. In my day I could only dream of having a year off work. I had less than 3 months off then had to juggle full time work as a single parent. So to them, a year off work at home with baby sounds blissful.

I had no entitlement to maternity leave. When my first was born you just left your job unless you were extremely valuable to a very enlightened employer - who might retain you but certainly wouldn’t pay you.

The race to the bottom brigade have arrived then.
I think it's appalling that women in the workplace have been treated like this, and wish you'd benefitted from more enlightened policy.
But do you think that because of your own experiences, other people should not have better experiences?

@IntermittentParps

OP also needs to remember that many women (the older ones) won't have had such a lengthy period of time off work on Mat Leave. In my day I could only dream of having a year off work. I had less than 3 months off then had to juggle full time work as a single parent. So to them, a year off work at home with baby sounds blissful.

I had no entitlement to maternity leave. When my first was born you just left your job unless you were extremely valuable to a very enlightened employer - who might retain you but certainly wouldn’t pay you.

The race to the bottom brigade have arrived then.
I think it's appalling that women in the workplace have been treated like this, and wish you'd benefitted from more enlightened policy.
But do you think that because of your own experiences, other people should not have better experiences?

You quoted my post. Pre 1975 all women were “treated like this”. Why do you think you have an entitlement to maternity leave and pay? Because second wave feminists like me bloody fought for it, that’s why. It’s why it’s so irritating to see people complaining about trivia like what it’s called.

But do you think that because of your own experiences, other people should not have better experiences?
But she has not had bad experiences. She says people are lovely and welcomed her back, asked her what she's been up to ( meaning with her baby presumably ) and made what sounds like a wistful comment saying they wish they could have a year off. They are not going to mean it literally. Blimey work has been horrendous over the last 12 months and my fanciful thinking wishes I could have a year off. I know it's not going to happen and so do op's colleagues.

@Youdoyoutoday

I used to laugh and say I'd come back to work for a rest!

About 20 people have said this, and it wasn't funny or cute the first time. I can only assume anyone saying this has an easy job or just doesn't work very hard.

@Blossomtoes

You quoted my post. Pre 1975 all women were “treated like this”. Why do you think you have an entitlement to maternity leave and pay? Because second wave feminists like me bloody fought for it, that’s why. It’s why it’s so irritating to see people complaining about trivia like what it’s called.

When it's assumed that one has simply had a jolly for a year, as opposed to birthing and raising one's own child for the first year of its life, that's not trivia.

[quote MmeLaraque]@Blossomtoes

You quoted my post. Pre 1975 all women were “treated like this”. Why do you think you have an entitlement to maternity leave and pay? Because second wave feminists like me bloody fought for it, that’s why. It’s why it’s so irritating to see people complaining about trivia like what it’s called.

When it's assumed that one has simply had a jolly for a year, as opposed to birthing and raising one's own child for the first year of its life, that's not trivia.[/quote]
Of course it’s bloody trivia. It’s completely irrelevant how other people view it. It’s a year out of the workplace whatever you call it.

If we want to get technical about it, many women that take off a year add some annual leave onto the end of it to make up some of the time. So technically, some of it is officially 'holiday', it's just that with a baby, maternity leave and holiday are indistinguishable this continues for several years

Why do you think you have an entitlement to maternity leave and pay? Because second wave feminists like me bloody fought for it, that’s why. I know, but thank you for the patronising reminder.

It’s why it’s so irritating to see people complaining about trivia like what it’s called.
Someone's already said this better, but it is hardly trivia when a year of pregnancy/birth/child-rearing/attendant possible maternal health issues is lightly referred to as 'a year off' or a holiday.

But she has not had bad experiences. OK, so we can reword. 'Because you had no maternity rights, do you think it's OK for people to still be making light of/undervaluing maternity leave and all it entails?

As for 'wistful comment saying they wish they could have a year off.' they can frankly fuck off and take their wist with them. It's thoughtless at best, and certainly low-level/unconscious sexism, to say to a colleague back from ML that she's had time 'off' in the sense of a holiday.

Why do you think you have an entitlement to maternity leave and pay? Because second wave feminists like me bloody fought for it, that’s why. I know, but thank you for the patronising reminder

A simple thank you would have sufficed.