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Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
Goodvibesfamily · 13/05/2021 10:28

My 10 year old was having an argument with his friend the other day. His friend said "your Mom only had a baby to have a year off"

I've had 4 maternity leaves whilst working for the same company. I've heard similar. I also had one person tell me I know how to play the system to have all that time off work. People come out with some nonsense, just smile and nod as nothing you say will make them think differently.

choli · 13/05/2021 10:29

@Ecruelworld

If anyone had a job where they were on duty 24/7, had a job description which spanned catering, personal care, entertainment, nursing, running a house they would hand in their notice on the grounds it was an insane workload that was totally unreasonable to expect one person to carry out.
If someone knowingly applied for that job then whined about it I would have little sympathy.
TheWayOfTheWorld · 13/05/2021 10:32

I just used to laugh and say I was coming back to work for a rest - that soon shut them up.

MmeLaraque · 13/05/2021 10:33

NRTT (16 pages....), but I'd say this, or something very like it.
"“I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

MIL's late partner declared multiple times, "You're at home with a kid all day. You don't do anything.....!!" So I set him straight.

He was a sexist git, and I wasn't having his ignorance. MIL laughed (at him), so I reminded her that she was a SAHM for my DH, and she, of all people, really shouldn't be accepting of such casual, everyday sexism.

There's nothing snowflakey about challenging casual everyday sexism. Nothing at all.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 13/05/2021 10:35

At the end of the day everyone is entitled to their opinion. People's life experiences/expectations are so individual (whether they have DC or not) that really you just have to agree to disagree (or preferably not make a big thing of it!).

Personally, now I've reflected on DSib and one of my best friends' situations, I really think they should be entitled to early retirement entitlement for not taking maternity leave. But what's the betting there would be uproar from parents if this was a thing. But why?

CoelacanthSharpener · 13/05/2021 10:36

Well, it is a year off from the job - yes, working very hard at something else - but a year off from the job nonetheless. I don't see why that's contentious.

HintofVintagePink · 13/05/2021 10:36

It’s factual. You have had a year off work.
Some of your colleagues probably have families too. So they get to work and look after children. Imagine that.

SuziQuatrosFatNan · 13/05/2021 10:36

Jfc is this a parenting site for women or a forum for misogynistic nihilists to batter said women?

OP utilised her statutory entitlement to time away from the workplace in order to give birth, recover from birth and care for a newborn.

Anyone who thinks that is worthy of any kind of derogatory or pass-agg comment needs to be directed towards an equality in the workplace training course.

OP yanbu. Just respond with "Well, statutory maternity entitlement isn't a holiday but ok hahaha". And put them on the shitlist.

CounsellorTroi · 13/05/2021 10:37

Ecruelworld
If anyone had a job where they were on duty 24/7, had a job description which spanned catering, personal care, entertainment, nursing, running a house they would hand in their notice on the grounds it was an insane workload that was totally unreasonable to expect one person to carry out.
If someone knowingly applied for that job then whined about it I would have little sympathy.

Especially if they were at the same time going on about how fantastically rewarding it was!

IntermittentParps · 13/05/2021 10:40

In every job I've had when someone goes on maternity leave it always has had an impact on the people at work. As in having to train people ,take on more work , put up with useless people who don't care as there only there temporary and supporting new staff .

This is more about where you work than the existence of maternity leave. IME maternity leave has never impacted me or my colleagues, because it's been managed properly.

OP, I agree use of words like 'holiday', 'off' and 'trips' is annoying and insensitive. I think workplaces should have guidelines and staff training on awareness around this issue; how not to talk to your colleague who's just got back, etc.
And not just for ML: I was signed off sick from work for three months once and faced some very thoughtless comments when I came back, along the lines of 'Oh, well I guess you had some good reading time' and, when I made the mistake of saying to someone that yes, I'd been out to meet friends/go to galleries etc, they said to another colleague 'If she's well enough to go to galleries why isn't she well enough to come to work?'
People are ignorant and thoughtless sometimes, and workplaces would be more harmonious if companies led from the front in how to be more considerate and aware.

maggiethecat · 13/05/2021 10:40

This has probably been mentioned upthread but I will say that in my experience a lot of people are resentful of colleagues taking mat leave. I feel that it's more than just the extra burden of having to pick up the work, it's the sense that you're off on a jolly.

Yes, it is your choice and yes, you're not at work but it's definitely not a jolly.

I also think that consciously or subconsciously giving birth is not viewed by some as valuable or important and that feeds into the snarky comments.

Daphnise · 13/05/2021 10:41

You have had a great deal of time off, and for some this is seen as a holiday- it's just how the workplace is, so best to ignore the comments or take them lightly.
If you had been off ill for a long time , some would even regard that as a holiday!
Are the comments mainly from women or men?

dottiedodah · 13/05/2021 10:42

I think unless they know someone who has given birth ,recovered while feeding round the clock, and so on then they will just think "yippee" a year "off"! I would not worry about it too much , they are just being insensitive I think.

AMillionMilesAway · 13/05/2021 10:42

@SuziQuatrosFatNan

Jfc is this a parenting site for women or a forum for misogynistic nihilists to batter said women?

OP utilised her statutory entitlement to time away from the workplace in order to give birth, recover from birth and care for a newborn.

Anyone who thinks that is worthy of any kind of derogatory or pass-agg comment needs to be directed towards an equality in the workplace training course.

OP yanbu. Just respond with "Well, statutory maternity entitlement isn't a holiday but ok hahaha". And put them on the shitlist.

Don't do this OP.
teenagewhore · 13/05/2021 10:42

I say things like, it's nice to be back at work, it's a bit of a break, I can drink a hot brew and go to the loo alone!

teenagewhore · 13/05/2021 10:43

But I do genuinely think working full time is easier that childcare full time.

CellyBee · 13/05/2021 10:44

But it IS so nice to be away from work for a year.

BlairWaldorfLovesShopping · 13/05/2021 10:44

Honestly OP I think you're being a bit oversensitive.

“I wish I could take a year off” - "Well you could if you had a baby too!" (in a lighthearted way not defensive - probably wouldn't work with a man)
“what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” - "Yes I went to XYZ, did you manage to get away during Covid?"
“you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” - "Thank you, I'm surprised as I don't get much sleep these days!"

For the people who claim that maternity leave is so hard it's basically work, did you consider sharing some of it with the baby's father?

Thisismyname77463 · 13/05/2021 10:44

Going to work is so much easier than childcare/housewife role.
Unless you have a delightful sleeping placid baby/toddler of course.

Ofallthethings · 13/05/2021 10:46

They sound like idiots to be honest, presuming you are in the UK you haven't been able to go on any "nice trips" during the pandemic, or do much that is enjoyable, so why are they asking?
I returned from mat leave in Feb and haven't had any comments like that, in fact people have been sympathetic as mat leave was during pandemic. Just say you've come back up work for a rest and that you haven't slept properly since April. It is true.

bluebird3 · 13/05/2021 10:49

Wow OP I'm shocked at the lack of empathy.

Maternity leave should be seen as leave - not time off. My maternity leave was much harder than going to my job. Yes some bits were lovely and relaxed and some bits were horrendous. For someone to act like I was out having a jolly for a year is very inconsiderate.

PLUS - A full year isn't even all paid so anyone too can have unpaid time off or work a few hours a week to make enough for measly SMP

SuziQuatrosFatNan · 13/05/2021 10:49

I agree that looking after a newborn is a lot of work @Thisismyname77463. Some people find that more stressful than being in the workplace, others don't.

But really that doesn't matter. OP doesn't need to justify herself to anyone and she shouldn't have to deal with any kind of hostility, veiled or not, having exercised a statutory right.

notacooldad · 13/05/2021 10:51

SuziQuatrosFatNan

Jfc is this a parenting site for women or a forum for misogynistic nihilists to batter said women?

OP utilised her statutory entitlement to time away from the workplace in order to give birth, recover from birth and care for a newborn.

Anyone who thinks that is worthy of any kind of derogatory or pass-agg comment needs to be directed towards an equality in the workplace training course.
What an over reaction!
Op says people have welcomed her back. So far so good!

*what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” Normally a reasonable question. Past response would have been , things like 'yeah, me and the little one a very familiar with the local park!!'

“you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” answer 'thank you' I've had my off moments, you know how it is!! But I'm back, it's like I've never been away!

*must have been nice to have a year break from work” well I did ( or didn't what ever the case may be) miss being here but I'm back! Time flies eh?

Nothing remotely offense and by the time the people have walked away from the water cooler or coffee machine the answers have probably evaporated from their heads because they aren't really invested in your mat leave.
It's office/ work chat and better than standing in awkward silence in my opinion.

Fixitup2 · 13/05/2021 10:51

@Ofallthethings

They sound like idiots to be honest, presuming you are in the UK you haven't been able to go on any "nice trips" during the pandemic, or do much that is enjoyable, so why are they asking? I returned from mat leave in Feb and haven't had any comments like that, in fact people have been sympathetic as mat leave was during pandemic. Just say you've come back up work for a rest and that you haven't slept properly since April. It is true.
We’ve had some lovely U.K. trips away last summer when the weather was lovely. Also had lots of lovely days out and picnics with parks.

There’s no disputing most baby groups haven’t been on and that it will have been immensely hard having a baby but these are pretty normal and acceptable questions to ask someone you haven’t seen for a year who’s had the freedom to do whatever without being tied to work. My friend went with her kids to spend 2 months in France with her in laws because she was on maternity leave. Another was wfh so went to her place in Spain in July.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 13/05/2021 10:52

You sound very precious OP. You had a year off work, hence your colleagues stating that fact. Yes childbirth and childcare are not a holiday - but most likely you chose to have a baby, so you were doing something you chose to do; meanwhile not many people choose to go to work, we need to work in order to survive.